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Thread: Funny Police Quotes!

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    Funny Police Quotes!

    “You know, stop lights don't come any redder than the one you just went through.”

    “Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch after you wear them a while.”

    "If you take your hands off the car, I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document.”

    “If you run, you'll only go to jail tired.”

    “Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? Because that's the speed of the bullet that'll be chasing you.”

    “You don't know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?”

    “Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I'm the shift supervisor?”

    “Warning! You want a warning? Okay, I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket.”

    “The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?”

    “Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn dogs and step in monkey poop.”

    “Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven.”

    “In God we trust; all others we run through NCIC.” (National Crime Information Center)

    “Just how big were those 'two beers' you say you had?”

    “No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we can.”

    “I'm glad to hear that the Chief (of Police) is a personal friend of yours. So you know someone who can post your bail.”

    “You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we don't... Sign here.”

    “I'm sorry Ma'am, but with the unlicensed gun in your purse plus the DWI, you ARE a real criminal.”

    “Hey John, get out of the cruiser and come over here to say “Thank You.” We stopped the guy who pays OUR salary!”

    “Yeah, I do have bank robbers to catch, but that might be dangerous, so I'm going to play it safe and write you this ticket.”

    “Hurry it up? Sure, I'll just go back to the cruiser and write the citation. Do you have food and water in the car? This shouldn't take more than six hours.”

    “Do you know why I stopped you, or do you THINK like you Drive?”

    “What do you mean I won't believe you? Just because you've got three kilos of smack and two bodies in the trunk doesn't mean there isn't a perfectly reasonable explanation.”

    “No, you've got that WRONG. I'm even TOUGHER without the badge and gun.”

    “Of course you didn't DO it. You just happened to start your wind sprints in front of the department store, the VCR is extra weight, and the security guards were providing MOTIVATION.”

    “She STARTED it? That's the best you can do? My four-year-old does better than that when I ask why his sister is crying.”
    jcioccke, HI629, thrombis and 3 others like this.
    America will never be destroyed from the outside. If we falter and lose our freedoms, it will be because we destroyed ourselves.

    ~Abraham Lincoln

    Quote Originally Posted by CACBAND View Post
    One of my background investigators put it best. He said, We're not looking for perfect people, they don't exist, we're looking for people who can be honest about their less than staler moments, face them, and learn from them.

  2. #2
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    How 'bout this one:

    "You can't rationalize stupidity."

    DYZ

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    One of my favorites...But these aren't my pants...

  4. #4
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    This reminds me of USMARINE's signature: "Real cousins or play cousins?".
    It is better to keep your mouth shut and appear stupid than to open it and remove all doubt.

  5. #5
    Another Day in Paradise
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    Na, I'm not a real cop, this isn't a real badge, handcuffs or gun either.

    I can't pull you over? Well, I just did...
    'nil carborundum illegitimi'

    Any and all statements made solely represent my opinion and do not reflect an official opinion, belief, or policy of any department or agency to which I am employed. Furthermore, I am in no way authorized to speak on behalf of any department or agency.

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    Bad guy, "your a phucking azzhole."

    Me, "you just got done talking to my wife, didn't you?!"
    Calling an illegal alien an "undocumented immigrant" is like calling a drug dealer an "unlicensed pharmacist"

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    (With a BG at gunpoint) "You so much as blink and you're gonna die in the dark"
    zeplin likes this.

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    I've actually witnessed this one...

    Guy asked officer for a warning for speeding. Officer stated "Your warning was back there on the speed limit sign".
    I have neither the time nor the inclination to explain myself to a man who rises and sleeps under the blanket of the very freedom that I provide, then questions the manner in which I provide it

    "But the bravest are surely those who have the clearest vision of what is before them, glory and danger alike, and yet notwithstanding, go out to meet
    it" - Thucydides


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    Whenever they start calling me stuff or say that I'm mean I just tell them, "as long as you call me officer hole"

  10. #10
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    now dat' was funny!
    From da' land O' nervous sheep.
    Quote Originally Posted by crass cop View Post
    who cares....was she hot??
    Quote Originally Posted by mookster View Post
    Sully, usually I hafta glance over your posts cuz my brain would have issues with the imagery you portray, however with that one I get it. And I agree one hundred percent with ya.
    Quote Originally Posted by CityCopDC View Post
    I swear to god you are not human. I have seen enough episodes of X-Files to know a rogue VI (Virtual Inteligence) when I see one.
    Currently Being Ignored by

    1) NYC Queeny.
    2) Officer retired.

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    From one of our traffic guys: "Why don't you buy the upgraded model with turn signals next time?"

    And, I heard this one recently: "If I was still riding a horse in Angola I would put a shotgun to your head and pull the trigger."

  12. #12
    A literofcola
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    "I swear to drunk occifer, I'm not God!"
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    I had a suspect in cuffs one day that I caught driving a stolen car and was booking him into jail. He threatened me with everything he could think of.

    I finally got tired of it and said, "Hey! You just as well shut up. You can't call me anything that someone else hasn't already called me before and you can't do anything to me that my ex wife hasn't already done." So, shut up.

    He got this funny look on his face, opened his mouth like he was going to say something and then didn't. Not another word out of him all through the booking process.

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    Quote Originally Posted by FireCop203 View Post
    He got this funny look on his face, opened his mouth like he was going to say something and then didn't. Not another word out of him all through the booking process.
    Probably has an ex of his own...
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  15. #15
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    I get kinda impatient with people who stroll right past an eighteen by twenty-four inch "Keep Out" sign and go someplace where they shouldn't be. If they produce a driver's license for ID, I get this terrible urge to say something like, "You got this by taking a written test, right? So you can read?"

    Invariably, they'll tell me they "didn't see the sign(s)." That brings on an even worse urge to say "Okay. The sign's too big to bring to court, so I'll just bring photos of it. Here's your summons, and here's your sign."

    But we learned in Verbal Judo not to say things like that. As the saying goes, "If it felt good saying it, it was probably the wrong thing to say."
    It might all be in how you say it, but it's probably better to just think it.
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    A big LOL. I liked most of them. Here is the one i like :
    “If you take your hands off the car, I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document.”

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    Replies not quite over the line...

    When asked (while examining a suitcase with lady's underwear) if I was a pervert, "I've been doing this so long, I'm considered a 'pro-vert'.

    When asked what sort of [jerk] I was, "Oh, nothing special; just your average, garden variety jerk."

    Upon being told by an arrested subject I wasn't so smart, "I suppose not. But when you go off to jail, I get to go home."
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  18. #18
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    Had this happen recently:

    Suspect is struggling with two officers who are attempting to cuff him. All three are standing, nothing too terrible, guy is just trying his best to keep his wrists from being close enough to finish cuffing him. Third officer walks up, looks the suspect in the eye, places one hand on his holstered Taser, and says, "If you don't cut that out, you're gonna get fifty thoustand volts of 'Mind Right.'"

    Suspect looks the officer in the eyes, says, "Yes, sir," and stops struggling. It was hard for the officer giving him Miranda Warnings to keep a straight face after that.
    Last edited by BayouCop; 09-30-2012 at 06:57 PM.
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    After a long days, I could laugh a lot.
    Thanks friend.

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    Awwww, the pretty woman ticket one is not nice, haha! I know that officers could sit down and write books on all of the crazy things they see and hear on a daily basis.

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    I always thought the, "These aren't my pants" was just a joke that was passed around until I heard a guy actually say it (had a baggie of dope in the pocket). Maybe I should have charged him with theft too?
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    Really funny dude.

  23. #23
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    I have one.
    In a semi-circle handicap parking lot watched a suburban backing up, have a near collision with the car behind it, go over 2 curbs for a wheel chair ramp, almost strike me while I was making my approach to the driver side. The driver had the nerve to say "I'm a proffessional driver, I could see what I was doing." My only asnwer was I think you need to get your eyes checked. The driver was in his 70's
    GOD IS A NINJA WITH A SNIPER RIFLE, WAITING TO TAKE YOU OUT.

    "For weapons training they told me to play DOOM"

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    Quote Originally Posted by XD4ME View Post
    I always thought the, "These aren't my pants" was just a joke that was passed around until I heard a guy actually say it (had a baggie of dope in the pocket). Maybe I should have charged him with theft too?
    Likewise. Had a guy with 6 packets fall out his pants say that, then asked us to check his shoe for the one that was his.

  25. #25
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    I was booking a mutt once and he decided to get lippy saying "I'm gonna rape your mom (as well as a bunch of other sexually explicit things) when I get out." I told him "Hope you like maggots, worms and other crispy critters because my mom has been dead for years! If the critters don't get to you, then I'm sure the cheesy smell will." Dude nearly tossed his cookies and he was quiet for the rest of the booking process.

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