Like Tree2Likes
  • 1 Post By WillBrink
  • 1 Post By JasperST

Thread: Forget training, grow a beared!

  1. #1
    LOW SPEED, HIGH DRAG...
    WillBrink's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jul 2006
    Location
    Boston area
    Posts
    2,316

    Forget training, grow a beared!

    Pentagon Study Finds Beards Directly Related To Combat Effectiveness

    Tampa, FL – Forget new gear, weapons, or sophisticated targeting systems. The newest tool coming to combat troops is low-tech: beards. In a report released yesterday, research think-tank Xegis Solutions noted that beards have a direct correlation to combat effectiveness.

    Jonathon Burns was the lead researcher in the study.

    “We took 100 soldiers. 25 were Special Forces qualified and had beards, 25 were Special Forces qualified without beards, 25 were regular Army allowed to grow beards for the study, and the last 25 were regular Army without beards. All 100 of these subjects were in direct combat in Afghanistan during the study.”

    He continued, “Xegis Solutions had several teams of researchers embedded with these troops to make observations on their combat effectiveness. The results were overwhelming, out of the 50 soldiers with beards, zero were wounded or killed and they had a significantly higher accuracy of fire than the soldiers without beards. The soldiers lacking beards had a higher rate of weapons malfunctions and basically, **** went wrong most of the time.”

    CENTCOM wasted no time establishing a new rule forcing males to grow beards.

    Commander Gen. James E. Mattis issued a statement to all troops in combat zones.

    “The time has come for the Armed Forces to accept the facts, and the facts are that beards save lives. All this time it was speculated that Green Berets were better because of their superior and intensive training while in fact, most of it had to do with beards.”

    There’s no doubt that many in the Special Forces community will be angered, but General Mattis is convinced.

    “It’s settled science. In light of this information we will enforce a rule requiring all males to wear at least one inch of facial hair at all times. Furthermore, any females able to grow facial hair are encouraged to do so as well.”

    http://www.duffelblog.com/2012/04/pe...effectiveness/

    LOL
    thea_nonymus1 likes this.
    - Will

    Performance/Fitness Advice For the Tactical Community

    www.OptimalSWAT.com

    General Performance/Fitness Advice for all

    www.BrinkZone.com

  2. #2
    Haterade Distributor
    USMARINE's Avatar
    Join Date
    Aug 2008
    Location
    Boonies, OH
    Posts
    1,078
    This is why Leonidas was such a BA.
    "Naw officer, I was hanging with my cousin"

    "Sooo, real cousin or play cousins ?"

    Quote Originally Posted by JasperST View Post
    I'm thinking a battalion of menstruating bearded women could kick some serious booty!

  3. #3
    Forum Member

    Join Date
    Jun 2002
    Location
    USA
    Posts
    557
    I limit myself to a goatee to keep things fair.

  4. #4
    Off topic poster
    mookster's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2010
    Location
    Wild wild west in AZ
    Posts
    1,085
    Me thinks this is a delayed Aprils Fools article

  5. #5
    Banned

    Join Date
    Feb 2011
    Location
    Indiana
    Posts
    322
    Out of curiosity, how do you grow a beared? What exactly is that?

  6. #6
    Bigfoot Country
    JasperST's Avatar
    Join Date
    Sep 2008
    Location
    Pacific NW
    Posts
    9,624
    I'm thinking a battalion of menstruating bearded women could kick some serious booty!
    thea_nonymus1 likes this.

  7. #7
    Haterade Distributor
    USMARINE's Avatar
    Join Date
    Aug 2008
    Location
    Boonies, OH
    Posts
    1,078
    Quote Originally Posted by JasperST View Post
    I'm thinking a battalion of menstruating bearded women could kick some serious booty!
    Stolen for signature!
    "Naw officer, I was hanging with my cousin"

    "Sooo, real cousin or play cousins ?"

    Quote Originally Posted by JasperST View Post
    I'm thinking a battalion of menstruating bearded women could kick some serious booty!

  8. #8
    Forum Member
    Sgt. Slaughter's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jul 2001
    Location
    Nod
    Posts
    14,253
    Last time the Sarge grew a beard, Chuck Norris quivered.

    As a result, the Sarge won't grow one again until Chuck turns into a flaming ball of energy and departs this world.

  9. #9
    LOW SPEED, HIGH DRAG...
    WillBrink's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jul 2006
    Location
    Boston area
    Posts
    2,316
    Quote Originally Posted by mookster View Post
    Me thinks this is a delayed Aprils Fools article
    Intended as humor yes.
    - Will

    Performance/Fitness Advice For the Tactical Community

    www.OptimalSWAT.com

    General Performance/Fitness Advice for all

    www.BrinkZone.com

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •  

Log in

Click here to log in or register