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Thread: My struggles from tragedy

  1. #126
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    I have been releasing my anger through probably some OCD rituals. Which in simple terms is I go around the house like a mad man cleaning and organizing over and over, or I create things to do after I run out of those things, which in turn equals physical pain because I have so much anger that I will do these things right through the pain, then crash and then I feel the pain.

    I learned yesterday that my supervisor who made the decision to let this guy out to be able to attack me was promoted to Lieutenant , the Sheriff said in a statement that he was promoted for excellent decision making skills! When I heard that I nearly collapsed. It makes me realize what I already knew, but it drives home the point that no one there acknowledges what has happened to me especially at the hands of this supervisor inept attempt to make decisions. To hear those words as the reason for his promotion hits me deep in my heart. Hear I am a man that tried so hard to do the right thing, to stay above the politics and out of the corruption and I get all this as a grand prize for my efforts to make a better career for myself.

    I get to have all this and more while I have to sit now, knowing that his life has gotten better for him, while mine was taken away by him. He gets to move on, I get to stand still. He does nothing to stand above the rest, yet he is called upon while I am thrown to the trash like I never existed. How can one work so hard and get this as their reward while another sits and has things given to them on a silver platter. BTW his Mother, dad and Uncle are all Lieutenants there now. Did I really ever stand a chance? Is this my punishment for all my battles?

  2. #127
    Forum Member Chaplain Keppy's Avatar
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    Pontiac, this is not your reward for trying hard! If you had been a BAD CO but were still at that place at that moment, you'd have been assaulted.

    It is horrible that it has left you disabled and in pain, but if you have to be dealing with such hard things, better to be a GOOD man dealing with them rather than a BAD man dealing with them! You can look in the mirror without cringing.

    I do not mean to dismiss your pain and frustration in any way. I just don't want to see you connect it in your mind with trying to do the right thing, or thinking of it as punishment.
    We do not all come to religion over the wandering years,
    but sooner or later we all get to meet God. -- Edward Conlon

  3. #128
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    It is just too frustrating, though, that life just rolls along for the others as if nothing happened-- THAT I would like to see challenged somehow.
    We do not all come to religion over the wandering years,
    but sooner or later we all get to meet God. -- Edward Conlon

  4. #129
    Forum Member Chaplain Keppy's Avatar
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    What would you think of writing the Sheriff? Not that it will change the promotion, but to make him understand there is unfinished business in his department. He needs to learn how to take better care of his disabled guys.
    We do not all come to religion over the wandering years,
    but sooner or later we all get to meet God. -- Edward Conlon

  5. #130
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    Writing them would open me up to all sorts of trouble from them. I already have patrol cars driving by the house constantly. I live in a neighborhood where police patrol was nearly non existent unless there was a call here. Now I see one every day. I know they didn't hire more deputies to give to hells about my neighborhood. If I was to confront them, I would never be allowed to rest easy for sure.

  6. #131
    forum member deputy x 2's Avatar
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    You're never going to "beat" nepotism so don't waste your energy on the negative...move forward!


    Nepotism is in every department. Just because of a "name" means promotions to those who can't find their way out of a paper bag. Trust me it's in Anytown USA.
    This profession is not for people looking for positive reinforcement from the public. Very often it can be a thankless job and you can't desire accolades, because those are not usually forthcoming. Just do your job to the best of your ability and live with the decisions you've made.

  7. #132
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    Quote Originally Posted by pontiacgm01 View Post
    I already have patrol cars driving by the house constantly. I live in a neighborhood where police patrol was nearly non existent unless there was a call here. Now I see one every day. I know they didn't hire more deputies to give to hells about my neighborhood.
    Pontiac, I've been thinking about what you mentioned, that they've stepped up patrol coverage in your neighborhood.

    It sounds like you are interpreting that as suspicion or harassment, but I am wondering if that is actually a positive thing-- keeping an eye out for you. I've noticed that when I have been riding along, that we very often pass through neighborhoods where cops or cops' families live. If someone is out in the yard, they always give a smile and a wave.

    You are an officer who was assaulted on duty and injured terribly. Isn't it possible that your brothers and sisters in blue are keeping a watch over your house because they are concerned for you?
    We do not all come to religion over the wandering years,
    but sooner or later we all get to meet God. -- Edward Conlon

  8. #133
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    Quote Originally Posted by pontiacgm01 View Post
    Writing them would open me up to all sorts of trouble from them. I already have patrol cars driving by the house constantly. I live in a neighborhood where police patrol was nearly non existent unless there was a call here. Now I see one every day. I know they didn't hire more deputies to give to hells about my neighborhood. If I was to confront them, I would never be allowed to rest easy for sure.
    You have a right to be angry. It's a normal reaction. You are not standing still by the way.Your anger is a normal healthy reaction to a crazy situation. It proves that you have what it takes to get better.
    Keep writing to us. We are here to support you and we understand. Just don't give up, and remember we want to to try the EFRM therapy.
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  9. #134
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    Quote Originally Posted by Chaplain Keppy View Post
    Pontiac, I've been thinking about what you mentioned, that they've stepped up patrol coverage in your neighborhood.

    It sounds like you are interpreting that as suspicion or harassment, but I am wondering if that is actually a positive thing-- keeping an eye out for you. I've noticed that when I have been riding along, that we very often pass through neighborhoods where cops or cops' families live. If someone is out in the yard, they always give a smile and a wave.

    You are an officer who was assaulted on duty and injured terribly. Isn't it possible that your brothers and sisters in blue are keeping a watch over your house because they are concerned for you?
    She's right. Keep in mind a lot of officers in your area care about you. They may not know how to show it though. or what to say.
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  10. #135
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    I want to thank everyone that has replied and kept up with me on this forum. Everyday is a struggle for me in so many ways. I continue to be lost in my own thoughts and my own fears, I hope that I will soon find a way out of the darkness. I hope there is light for me, a purpose for me once again. Every ache and pain, I am reminded of my attack, I am reminded of those that went unpunished for what they did, what role they played in this attack. For those people, there is no justice on this Earth, I hope there is justice someday. As they move on with their lives, forgetting their role in mine, I hope that someday they will be reminded of my sacrifice that allowed them to move on.

  11. #136
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    Quote Originally Posted by pontiacgm01 View Post
    I want to thank everyone that has replied and kept up with me on this forum. Everyday is a struggle for me in so many ways. I continue to be lost in my own thoughts and my own fears, I hope that I will soon find a way out of the darkness. I hope there is light for me, a purpose for me once again. Every ache and pain, I am reminded of my attack, I am reminded of those that went unpunished for what they did, what role they played in this attack. For those people, there is no justice on this Earth, I hope there is justice someday. As they move on with their lives, forgetting their role in mine, I hope that someday they will be reminded of my sacrifice that allowed them to move on.
    Pontiac, I think you have only two choices, as far as those go who played a role in your attack. I think you either pursue them (even if they are are going to try to retaliate) or you let them go. What other choices are there?

    The important thing to me is YOUR life. Where does it go from here?

    Life IS unfair-- it really is! This is NOT the kingdom of God. That is yet to be realized. So in the meantime, what is to happen to your life?

    THAT is the only place you have power.

    You must grasp it with both hands. If you can see what you want from your life, move in that direction.
    We do not all come to religion over the wandering years,
    but sooner or later we all get to meet God. -- Edward Conlon

  12. #137
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    Nature of the Beast

    I often go through periods of time where I can easily identify the things that I do while being controlled by my PTSD. Today I would like to just share what I do, when I do attempt to go out into a crowd.

    First before even entering a building, I will analyze and scan the place for secure locations, easy way out and map out my direction of travel through the place. Constantly, preparing for the unexpected and coming up with alternative plans of action in case of a situation.

    Next, I will then start to look at everyone I can see or everyone that passes me. Making sure that I can keep a distance of safety between us. At which point I will watch facial expressions, body language, location and movement of one's hands, type of clothing they are wearing, how they looked at me. If they look at me too long or more than once, I automatically will deem them a potential threat and will focus onto them until the threat is no longer perceived.

    I will avoid isles with more than one person on them, I will avoid as much human contact as possible. I process every inch of my training and apply that to everyone I see and every public situation that I am in. Always being prepared for the unexpected and the threat.


    I have since learned to go out at night only, I will remain at my home throughout most of the day, unless there is a doctor's appointment. Night time there are less people there is an easy sense that I can maneuver more carefully and care free. I consider myself a creature of the night now.

    A demon has awaken recently, and that demon is the urge to drink. The doctor has me coming off medications in order to reevaluate the situation and start a new drug based on that. He feels these are not working. Since, the urge to have a few drinks has been a constant craving of mine. I feel so strongly for a drink right now. Just to calm down and shut down my mind. My mind is constantly processing and thinking and trying to battle between the ptsd and reality. I can hear the rationale person inside me trapped deep down.

    I hear that person telling me things that are reality, like this person is not a threat, there are no threats, there is no reason to be scared, you should be the old you , you should be able to do this and that, but the PTSD has that person trapped deep down inside and I cannot free the person. I feel like I have no control over my mind, I just have to do what it says. I try to alter the thinking, but the more you try to alter it the more it comes back stronger more lively than ever. It is like a demon controlling me.

    I know eventually if I do not get that person free, that person will surely no longer exist and I will be left alone with the PTSD forever, ruining my life.

  13. #138
    Forum Member Chaplain Keppy's Avatar
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    Pontiac, have you been able to access EMDR therapy?
    We do not all come to religion over the wandering years,
    but sooner or later we all get to meet God. -- Edward Conlon

  14. #139
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    Have you ever talked to Bobby Smith? Bobby was a Louisiana State Trooper when he was shot and blinded in 1986. He went through the PTSD and came out the other side a better man. Check out his web site: http://www.visionsofcourage.com/Index.asp and check out his FORTE Foundation (There is a link at his home page).

    Back in 1993 I met a man who had been shot in the back by a police officer. The officer was shooting at a robbery suspect and missed. The bullet severed his spinal cord about the mid back level and paralyzed him with no feeling from mid chest down.

    After his injury he was in the VA Hospital when a flesh eating bacteria infected his bed sores on the back of his legs. The surgeons basically fileted the back of his legs in what is called a fasciotomy so that he could tissue debridement on a daily basis. He was one sick puppy.

    When I met him he was face down on a gurney and could not bend his legs. The wound care had a side effect of causing myositis ossificans. This is where the muscle start to turn to bone. He was at the VA Hospital in Houston for an operation that would cut out the top of his femurs so that he could flex his upper legs so he could be in a wheel chair.

    I expected to meet a man with a chip on his shoulder who hated police officers. Nope, far from that, he placed no blame on the officer at all. He shrugged and said, "Sometime life gives you lemons. You can be sour or add some sugar and make lemonade."

    Give Bobby a call.
    Ut humiliter opinor

  15. #140
    Forum Member Chaplain Keppy's Avatar
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    I have heard Bobby Smith speak at a chaplains' conference-- my, he was good! I bought a set of his videotapes. He is very inspiring.
    We do not all come to religion over the wandering years,
    but sooner or later we all get to meet God. -- Edward Conlon

  16. #141
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    Quote Originally Posted by Chaplain Keppy View Post
    Pontiac, have you been able to access EMDR therapy?
    I looked up the EMDR practitioners in Pontiac's area, and sent him the info. They are about 20-30 minutes from his place. I offered to help pay for it. (it doesn't cost too much). He never responded to that.

    I don't know Susan. Maybe we should show up and smack in the head and make him go.

    I would think he'd be running over there.
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  17. #142
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    He's got to be in control of it, Stitch-- so much in Pontiac's life has been taken out of his control, it is all the more important for him to be the person who decides what happens and when.

    And, after all, he is the leading authority on his life-- I'm saying it in a flip way, but I mean it. EMDR is a suggestion, but he will need to be the one to decide if and when to try it, and whether it works for him. I remain hopeful for it, and for him.

    It is really difficult, when you are being held a prisoner in your own body. I only wish there was an internal SWAT team that a person could send inside himself/herself at times like this!
    We do not all come to religion over the wandering years,
    but sooner or later we all get to meet God. -- Edward Conlon

  18. #143
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    Quote Originally Posted by Chaplain Keppy View Post
    He's got to be in control of it, Stitch-- so much in Pontiac's life has been taken out of his control, it is all the more important for him to be the person who decides what happens and when.

    And, after all, he is the leading authority on his life-- I'm saying it in a flip way, but I mean it. EMDR is a suggestion, but he will need to be the one to decide if and when to try it, and whether it works for him. I remain hopeful for it, and for him.

    It is really difficult, when you are being held a prisoner in your own body. I only wish there was an internal SWAT team that a person could send inside himself/herself at times like this!
    i know your are right...but i'm still gonna rattle his cage from time to time.
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  19. #144
    Civilian Sheepdog zeplin's Avatar
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    Stitch, Pontiac doesn't need comments like smacking him up the side of the head or rattling his cage.


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  20. #145
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    Quote Originally Posted by zeplin View Post
    Stitch, Pontiac doesn't need comments like smacking him up the side of the head or rattling his cage.
    He and I are friends in real life. He's stubborn.
    Last edited by Stitch; 02-08-2012 at 07:46 PM.
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  21. #146
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    I thought I would check in for a minute with you guys. I have recently been taken off another failed anti-depressant drugs and been experiencing the withdrawals. I swear I almost want to get rid of this medication and suffer the consequences of this PTSD all natural. I have struggle at time to time lately, just with being able to go out an function in public as well as to just go out and accept the fact that I am not home where I feel safe. The doc, thinks that I should just slow down while I am out and try and relax, I tell him that may be natural to everyone else, but for me the body's natural function is to freak the hell out and get through the even as soon as possible and get back home. The longer I am out the more open I am for another attack.

    I have sat a while this past week and thought about how much I missed certain things in life. I miss just feeling normal. I miss having a purpose in life. I miss having ambition.


    I have not tried the EMDR therapy yet, because honestly I feel hopeless and burdensome, even going to my own therapist, I feel like I am wasting his time, mine and boring the hell out of him. I don't even know what to talk about anymore? The depression, the mood swings, the nightmares, the manic episodes? I mean I can only say so much about them til I feel like exploding just talking about them or knowing I have to talk about them again and again.


    For the record there are a lot of drugs out there for people with PTSD and I think that nearly all of them are a waste of time for everyone involved. I mean are they curing you or are they just masking the real problem? I can say from experience that drugs are almost as worse as the problem.

    Thanks for listening , caring and responding. Stitch, I probably do need another hit up side the head, the last one I got sent me into this PTSD, maybe another one will set me back the way I was, kinda like a skipping record?

  22. #147
    Forum Member Chaplain Keppy's Avatar
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    Pontiac, since you are not sure what to talk to your therapist about, how about raising the subject of EMDR, and your feelings about it?

    I really DO hear what you are saying about feeling hopeless-- having had a bout with depression some decades ago, I really do know what it feels like to have no hope. It takes away the energy to even try.

    What if you framed it this way-- "I will try EMDR just to know definitely that I can take it off my list"?

    The good thing is, it doesn't require medication.
    We do not all come to religion over the wandering years,
    but sooner or later we all get to meet God. -- Edward Conlon

  23. #148
    Forum Member Chaplain Keppy's Avatar
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    Think of it this way: it would take you one trip to an EMDR therapist to see if the therapist thought it was an appropriate therapy for you-- and I expect that one trip would be the first treatment and would give you an idea of what to expect or when you should see a change if you are going to see a change.

    The potential of having a positive change-- a diminishment of your symptoms-- is worth one trip, isn't it?
    We do not all come to religion over the wandering years,
    but sooner or later we all get to meet God. -- Edward Conlon

  24. #149
    Civilian Sheepdog zeplin's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Stitch View Post
    He and I are friends in real life. He's stubborn.
    You two being friends then I understand. Just don't push too much at once. You got to allow for things to fall in place for him before going to the next step.


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  25. #150
    Civilian Sheepdog zeplin's Avatar
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    Good advice Chappy Keppy.


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