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Thread: My struggles from tragedy

  1. #101
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    Quote Originally Posted by deputy x 2 View Post
    Good job Stitch and the others who were involved.
    Yes! Good job is right.

    My good thoughts are with you, Pontiac. I'll add my name to those that have suggested you PM them. I'll help anyway I can, listen, suggest, whatever.

    We're here for you, for each other. I may not be a LEO, but I'm married to one and I feel the love here, time after time. After all, this is a big blue family.
    Last edited by Trauma1; 10-22-2011 at 08:57 AM.
    Quote Originally Posted by JasperST
    "The fail is strong with this one."

  2. #102
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    Y'all will want to know that I have heard from Pontiac, and he is doing better and appreciates all the concern of his friends here. He wants you to know that he is trying to get his account reinstated so he can post here, so he hopes to be in touch soon.
    We do not all come to religion over the wandering years,
    but sooner or later we all get to meet God. -- Edward Conlon

  3. #103
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    Quote Originally Posted by Chaplain Keppy View Post
    Y'all will want to know that I have heard from Pontiac, and he is doing better and appreciates all the concern of his friends here. He wants you to know that he is trying to get his account reinstated so he can post here, so he hopes to be in touch soon.
    Is it me, or is this screen just blurry? I'm so relieved.
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  4. #104
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    Quote Originally Posted by Chaplain Keppy View Post
    Y'all will want to know that I have heard from Pontiac, and he is doing better and appreciates all the concern of his friends here. He wants you to know that he is trying to get his account reinstated so he can post here, so he hopes to be in touch soon.
    Outstanding news. Thanks Chaplaiin Keppy for your follow-through.

  5. #105
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    Hey guys I would like to thank you all for keeping in touch. I hope to be able to post some more on here soon.

  6. #106
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    It is good to see you back, Pontiac!
    We do not all come to religion over the wandering years,
    but sooner or later we all get to meet God. -- Edward Conlon

  7. #107
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    welcome back, pontiac!

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    good to hear from you!
    Yeah. That would go poorly. Like, on the Scale of Fail, somewhere between "Titanic" and "Chernobyl."
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  9. #109
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    Hi Pontiac; we haven't met but I have heard many good things about you.
    I'm not small, I'm fun sized....

    You're the reason I have Pistanthrophobia.

    Where's my EFF You Font on my computer?

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  10. #110
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    I don't know if I'm allowed to post here but I'm going to.......when I quit crying!! I don't know know what compelled me to read this post or even go to this section as I've never entered it before but here I am!

    Pontiac,I am SO glad you're still with us and doing better. As the mom of a son who killed himself,I was screaming and crying as I realized you were headed on your way out of life and the date was awhile ago! The wonderful people here "ran" to your rescue without knowing you (except stitch I guess)and that's something you just don't see a lot of! They truly are the best anywhere! I can only imagine your pain and suffering and while it isn't quite the same,believe me my pain was equal to yours when learning I'd lost my son and wasn't able to help him when he needed me the most!! Thank you for not letting your mom feel the same way! At first I wanted to join my boy so badly I thought of nothing else and the loss was as if I'd lost a limb......and more. Suicide is never the answer,no matter what though. While it may not seem like it soon enough,life is worth sticking around for!

    Once again I thank God and the people on this forum for you being alive and doing better and I admire you for all you stand for as an officer (still are one in my book) and a person! May God and your friends continue to bless you and thank you for being the biggest warrior I've ever "met."

    Apologies for posting here if I shouldn't have but I was deeply affected by this entire thread!





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  11. #111
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    Hey guys, sorry it has been a while with the posts on updates. I have been searching long and hard for guidance and answers on where to go with my life. I continue to see doctors and as usual I continue to get more pills under WC. My darkest hours came out on this forum and for those that where scared and affected I apologize to them. My time in evaluation was in itself a personal hell. I was basically put in a jail like environment with former inmates which really disturbed my PTSD for quite a while. However, it was not for nothing. I am not mad at the actions taken, I made horrible decisions that accumulated until I was far from where I wanted to be at that point. Being in evaluation has served as a motivational tool to prevent myself from going back down that road. Has it been easy, absolutely not. Every day is a battle with my own self, I have to struggle with the negative thoughts and the disconnection with how I feel in relation to how I should feel given the circumstances in front of me. Going into public has been a very intense struggle, for the fact of that emotional disconnect. I have attempted things that I once enjoyed and that disconnect serves as a reminder of how different the PTSD has made me. Its almost like I have to relearn things, reinstate things into my life and force myself to go through it. As we all know, no one likes to be forced into doing something, therefore it has been extremely difficult to break this cycle.

    At first I was really ashamed of myself for letting myself get out of control, hurting my family and friends who didn't know what to do, or how to react to the idea I was in such emotional pain. I myself did not know what to do with myself. In the evaluation when I saw myself sitting there with these people that where career drug addicts, career alcoholics and severely disturbed beyond comprehension, I made a decision to fight this thing. I am not sure though if I am winning, only time will have that answer I suppose. I do not want to end up like the people I was around and I certainly do not want to go back to that setting again. Harsh reality is though, being in that setting and reacting the way I did actually hurt. It hurt, because it has been the closest I have been in the past couple years to a jail setting or around criminals and I felt the emotional pain from the assault rise up and take over. It made me think of how this PTSD and physical pain has taken away my career, a career that I fought so hard for. One of the hardest emotions to deal with in this PTSD can be the feeling of the unknown. Not knowing where you will end up in life and the unknown of a failed career in something that you enjoyed and wondering if you will ever find that enjoyment again. I yearn for a moment of pure enjoyment in this life again. I hope that I find it someday soon.

    Again, I will continue to post updates and my thoughts. I appreciate all of you guys' feedback. Hearing other perspectives, stories and thoughts are encouraging and sometimes helpful in putting some things in perspective. Thanks everyone for keeping up with this forum. I did not expect the outcry that it has gained.

    Pontiac

  12. #112
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    Pontiac, I have heard of an in-house PTSD treatment program in the area of Batavia, NY. I think it is mainly military folks-- maybe that sort of a setting and patient base would work better for you, and not be as likely to trigger the PTSD.
    We do not all come to religion over the wandering years,
    but sooner or later we all get to meet God. -- Edward Conlon

  13. #113
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    P,
    I too have been through some very very horrible things.. I am not brave as you are to put my feelings and thoughts out in the open.. I have great admiration for you that you could do that! One of my favorite sayings that always got me through is this: It is a quote from Ernest Hemingway's A Farewell to Arms:

    The world breaks everyone and afterward many are strong at the broken places...

    It is my heart felt wish for you: May you grow strong at the broken places.
    I'm not small, I'm fun sized....

    You're the reason I have Pistanthrophobia.

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  14. #114
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    Quote Originally Posted by pontiacgm01 View Post
    Hey guys, sorry it has been a while with the posts on updates. I have been searching long and hard for guidance and answers on where to go with my life. I continue to see doctors and as usual I continue to get more pills under WC. My darkest hours came out on this forum and for those that where scared and affected I apologize to them. My time in evaluation was in itself a personal hell. I was basically put in a jail like environment with former inmates which really disturbed my PTSD for quite a while. However, it was not for nothing. I am not mad at the actions taken, I made horrible decisions that accumulated until I was far from where I wanted to be at that point. Being in evaluation has served as a motivational tool to prevent myself from going back down that road. Has it been easy, absolutely not. Every day is a battle with my own self, I have to struggle with the negative thoughts and the disconnection with how I feel in relation to how I should feel given the circumstances in front of me. Going into public has been a very intense struggle, for the fact of that emotional disconnect. I have attempted things that I once enjoyed and that disconnect serves as a reminder of how different the PTSD has made me. Its almost like I have to relearn things, reinstate things into my life and force myself to go through it. As we all know, no one likes to be forced into doing something, therefore it has been extremely difficult to break this cycle.

    At first I was really ashamed of myself for letting myself get out of control, hurting my family and friends who didn't know what to do, or how to react to the idea I was in such emotional pain. I myself did not know what to do with myself. In the evaluation when I saw myself sitting there with these people that where career drug addicts, career alcoholics and severely disturbed beyond comprehension, I made a decision to fight this thing. I am not sure though if I am winning, only time will have that answer I suppose. I do not want to end up like the people I was around and I certainly do not want to go back to that setting again. Harsh reality is though, being in that setting and reacting the way I did actually hurt. It hurt, because it has been the closest I have been in the past couple years to a jail setting or around criminals and I felt the emotional pain from the assault rise up and take over. It made me think of how this PTSD and physical pain has taken away my career, a career that I fought so hard for. One of the hardest emotions to deal with in this PTSD can be the feeling of the unknown. Not knowing where you will end up in life and the unknown of a failed career in something that you enjoyed and wondering if you will ever find that enjoyment again. I yearn for a moment of pure enjoyment in this life again. I hope that I find it someday soon.

    Again, I will continue to post updates and my thoughts. I appreciate all of you guys' feedback. Hearing other perspectives, stories and thoughts are encouraging and sometimes helpful in putting some things in perspective. Thanks everyone for keeping up with this forum. I did not expect the outcry that it has gained.

    Pontiac
    Wow, Pontiac. You sound good my friend. You probably can't see it, but I can already see a marked improvement in your outlook. Hang in there. Believe it or not, life can actually be better than it was before. It will take time, but it happens for many many people. One of the keys? Religion calls it forgiveness. Shrinks call it "letting go." In quantum physics it's called moving from lower frequencies of negative energy to higher frequencies of positive energy. Take care.

  15. #115
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    Quote Originally Posted by pontiacgm01 View Post
    Hey guys, sorry it has been a while with the posts on updates. I have been searching long and hard for guidance and answers on where to go with my life. I continue to see doctors and as usual I continue to get more pills under WC. My darkest hours came out on this forum and for those that where scared and affected I apologize to them. My time in evaluation was in itself a personal hell. I was basically put in a jail like environment with former inmates which really disturbed my PTSD for quite a while. However, it was not for nothing. I am not mad at the actions taken, I made horrible decisions that accumulated until I was far from where I wanted to be at that point. Being in evaluation has served as a motivational tool to prevent myself from going back down that road. Has it been easy, absolutely not. Every day is a battle with my own self, I have to struggle with the negative thoughts and the disconnection with how I feel in relation to how I should feel given the circumstances in front of me. Going into public has been a very intense struggle, for the fact of that emotional disconnect. I have attempted things that I once enjoyed and that disconnect serves as a reminder of how different the PTSD has made me. Its almost like I have to relearn things, reinstate things into my life and force myself to go through it. As we all know, no one likes to be forced into doing something, therefore it has been extremely difficult to break this cycle.

    At first I was really ashamed of myself for letting myself get out of control, hurting my family and friends who didn't know what to do, or how to react to the idea I was in such emotional pain. I myself did not know what to do with myself. In the evaluation when I saw myself sitting there with these people that where career drug addicts, career alcoholics and severely disturbed beyond comprehension, I made a decision to fight this thing. I am not sure though if I am winning, only time will have that answer I suppose. I do not want to end up like the people I was around and I certainly do not want to go back to that setting again. Harsh reality is though, being in that setting and reacting the way I did actually hurt. It hurt, because it has been the closest I have been in the past couple years to a jail setting or around criminals and I felt the emotional pain from the assault rise up and take over. It made me think of how this PTSD and physical pain has taken away my career, a career that I fought so hard for. One of the hardest emotions to deal with in this PTSD can be the feeling of the unknown. Not knowing where you will end up in life and the unknown of a failed career in something that you enjoyed and wondering if you will ever find that enjoyment again. I yearn for a moment of pure enjoyment in this life again. I hope that I find it someday soon.

    Again, I will continue to post updates and my thoughts. I appreciate all of you guys' feedback. Hearing other perspectives, stories and thoughts are encouraging and sometimes helpful in putting some things in perspective. Thanks everyone for keeping up with this forum. I did not expect the outcry that it has gained.

    Pontiac
    well, i'm glad you're still in one piece. BUT i really feel like crap about what you went through recently.
    It brings up the questions: where to now? how to move forward?
    back in this thread Chaplain Keppy mentioned EMDR therepy. she feels it is a good fit for PTSD. I'll vouch for that. It's easy and it works. You gotta try something new at this point anyway.

    i'm reposting the link:
    http://www.emdr.com/find-a-clinician.html

    drop chaplain keppy a line or give a call if you have question.

    I'll send you some phone numbers.
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    Hey guys, I wanted to post before the Holiday coming up. I have been working hard on establishing a connection between the emotions that I feel and the proper emotions that should be attached to an event or action in real time. Right now that has been a real big part of my chronic depression. It seems to be very hard to establish a real time emotion other than that lost, sad feeling.

    Thanksgiving is coming up with all the family and I am very anxious about being part of a celebration, simply because of that emotional disconnect that I am experiencing right now with things. I want to enjoy this holiday, but deep down I know that I will not and that I will be regretting that afterwards, I did not enjoy a special occasion that I might not see again. I say that because I have learned in this assault that life is very unexpected and things change in an instant. I want to make the most of it as I had before this assault and I know that this PTSD has control and power still that I can not force loose.

    I have looked into the EMDR and after the holidays I hope that the WC will see fit to allow this procedure. I have people working on getting that done for me in the near future. If they do not approve it, I will see what I can do myself. Also, I am being sent to pain management for my back and jaw pains and will I am sure be facing more medications. My med cabinet is starting to look like a pharmacy.

    But, enough about me on this holiday week. I want to wish everyone on here a special happy holidays. Spend time with love ones, enjoy this special occasion, life is not always perfect and life is not always going to go according to plan. So take this opportunity to be with others. For those that might be reading suffering as I have or worse, its not easy to face our demons, but it is more beneficial to face our demons with ones that care about us. Despite what those demons tell you, those fears instill in you, stand up for this occasion and enjoy the moment, or at least fake it along side me.

    Thanks to everyone that has been a part of this forum and offered encouragement and hope. Have a blessed Thanksgiving. Thank ya'll so much.

  17. #117
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    service dog

    There are so many replies that I'm not sure if anyone brought this up or not.. one of my friends came back from Iraq and issues.. he found great success using a trauma service dog... it's helped him get out of the house etc.

    I am attaching the link for you .. I don't know if you're an animal lover or not.. but it really helped him when nothing else would.

    http://www.healingcombattrauma.com/service-dogs/
    I'm not small, I'm fun sized....

    You're the reason I have Pistanthrophobia.

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  18. #118
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    Quote Originally Posted by Elle p View Post
    There are so many replies that I'm not sure if anyone brought this up or not.. one of my friends came back from Iraq and issues.. he found great success using a trauma service dog... it's helped him get out of the house etc.

    I am attaching the link for you .. I don't know if you're an animal lover or not.. but it really helped him when nothing else would.

    http://www.healingcombattrauma.com/service-dogs/
    Pontiac does have a puppy dog
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  19. #119
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    Quote Originally Posted by pontiacgm01 View Post
    Hey guys, I wanted to post before the Holiday coming up. I have been working hard on establishing a connection between the emotions that I feel and the proper emotions that should be attached to an event or action in real time. Right now that has been a real big part of my chronic depression. It seems to be very hard to establish a real time emotion other than that lost, sad feeling.

    Thanksgiving is coming up with all the family and I am very anxious about being part of a celebration, simply because of that emotional disconnect that I am experiencing right now with things. I want to enjoy this holiday, but deep down I know that I will not and that I will be regretting that afterwards, I did not enjoy a special occasion that I might not see again. I say that because I have learned in this assault that life is very unexpected and things change in an instant. I want to make the most of it as I had before this assault and I know that this PTSD has control and power still that I can not force loose.

    I have looked into the EMDR and after the holidays I hope that the WC will see fit to allow this procedure. I have people working on getting that done for me in the near future. If they do not approve it, I will see what I can do myself. Also, I am being sent to pain management for my back and jaw pains and will I am sure be facing more medications. My med cabinet is starting to look like a pharmacy.

    But, enough about me on this holiday week. I want to wish everyone on here a special happy holidays. Spend time with love ones, enjoy this special occasion, life is not always perfect and life is not always going to go according to plan. So take this opportunity to be with others. For those that might be reading suffering as I have or worse, its not easy to face our demons, but it is more beneficial to face our demons with ones that care about us. Despite what those demons tell you, those fears instill in you, stand up for this occasion and enjoy the moment, or at least fake it along side me.

    Thanks to everyone that has been a part of this forum and offered encouragement and hope. Have a blessed Thanksgiving. Thank ya'll so much.
    Hi buddy,

    For what it's worth, I'm impressed and proud as h-ll at how far you've come. Even if it seems like you are standing still you're not. I'm very moved and encouraged by your post, and I will take your advice.
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  20. #120
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    Pontiac, I am glad to hear you are trying to move forward on the EMDR angle-- I have hope for it, and for you.

    Thinking about the sadness you feel and holidays, several things come to my mind.

    I have myself been through periods where life has felt so vulnerable and fragile, that the sight of simple and lovely things like people enjoying a holiday have filled me with sadness. I think of it as "the sadness of mortality" and I really do think coming to terms with it is one of the chief spiritual tasks we as mortals face.

    IF we face it, that is.

    Many people do not-- and for understandable reasons. It is certainly not fun to face. We would much prefer to not to look too closely at reality, to pretend we will be here for ever along with everything and everyone we love.

    We won't, of course, and more's the pity. But I do believe it is important to face this reality, first and foremost because it IS reality. If we do not face it, we risk wasting this precious life on things that do not matter. When we are not aware of the limited nature of time (and health, and love) we become blind to these treasures, and we fritter them away.

    So... it is important to face them, and that is what happens to us when life gives us a reminder in the form of a "near miss" or a bereavement or loss.

    That's not all you are dealing with, though. We ALL are in that same boat with you, whether we are facing it or not. But in addition you are dealing with PTSD, which is not just a thought you can turn on or off, but a physiological reality. AND you are dealing with pain. AND you are dealing with all those medications. AND you are dealing with the loss of a career that gave you a sense of purpose, and having to fight with WC, and so on and so forth.

    Which is to say, be gentle with yourself as you carry these burdens and fight these demons. Your battle has several fronts.

    I believe a time will come when you know joy again. Do not let go of the hope of that.
    Last edited by Chaplain Keppy; 11-22-2011 at 09:09 PM. Reason: fix a grammatical error
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  21. #121
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    Glad to see you're improving. You may not think so, but it's apparent that you are.

    Struggles are part of life.. they happen to all of us.. some greater than others on the surface, but to us they may deeply painful and disturbing. You're not in this alone. I still think coming on this site and posting was very courageous. And I'm glad to see you don't have any resentment for being taken in for treatment... another positive sign.

    It's not going to be easy. You will have ups and downs. But you WILL make it. You will beat this.

    I am facing these upcoming holidays with my daughter who passed away this summer. It's not easy. I wished I could just pack a bag and disappear. However, I still have a wife (some have ventured to say she suffers from PTSD) and a son that need me so I MUST be strong for them. I spend every moment of my day putting up a facade and working on keeping my family happy. Me? Well, my family comes first... once I see them progressing, I will take some solace in that.

    Anyways, it seems you're on the path.. just stay on track and remember it's a long journey.

    I have a close friend that has a brother with PTSD.. we recently started hanging out.. great guy, but you would not believe the problems.. forget suicidal, he turned homicidal. Luckily, nothing evolved and he is now in a facility treating his issues. It seems to be going well now.

    Point being, you're not alone. Stay strong.

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    Pontiac
    Wow! You have seen some rough times. The first time i went through chemo for cancer, I too felt abandoned. Chaplain Keppy suggested that I contact you. I am going through some tuff times as well (http://forums.officer.com/showthread...81#post2935981), but I too will offer my assistance. I believe my four F's have carried me well. My Family, My Friends, My Faith, and My Future. PM me if you like.
    Last edited by scarney; 12-06-2011 at 03:16 PM. Reason: correct typo

  23. #123
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    Pontiac, how are you doing these days?

    I think the Thanksgiving-through-New-Year's holiday celebration season can be tough for folks who are trudging through dark places.
    We do not all come to religion over the wandering years,
    but sooner or later we all get to meet God. -- Edward Conlon

  24. #124
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    Hello guys, sorry it has been so long since I posted. I do not want you to think I have abandoned my creation here.

    These past few weeks have been extremely tough for me. It was during these times when my assault occurred and I can not help but associate the holidays and the assault together. I keep remembering my assault and the surgery, the mouth being wired shut, those feelings, that fear. It doesn't help that the orthodontist decided to mess with my braces now, seems like everytime I get it out of my head that these braces feel like those metal wires holding my jaw in place, they go and do something to draw more attention to them. I have a permanent reminder in my mouth for the next 2 years. They have gotten things in place in order to place screws into my gums that will attached to the braces for support....OUCH!

    Also the Holidays have been tough, because everyone is going around having fun and its tough for me to pretend and its tough for me to not be happy during this time. I feel like I am letting parts of life go on without me. I do not feel involved anymore. I feel like maybe I am orbiting outside of life, looking in.

    I have not been able to go out that much, I can not stand the frustration associated with groups of people and we all know that the holidays makes for a larger group of people. I have tried a few times and I have always come home completely over the top angry and myself and other people. Nothing seems to be good enough for me, so I end up in an OCD coma until about 3 am.

    I did go to a pain management doctor recently who of course gave me more pills, but I refused any high end pain killers and addictive drugs. I became so frustrated that I simply told him that I was tired of taking so many pills to get rid of the pain. He understood, but explained to me that if I did not take care of my back injury physically that I would probably end up having surgery, but he is going to come up with some things over the next few visits to try and prevent that. That has gotten me worried that I will have to have surgery and that is another part of me broken. Another part of me that will never be the same again. I get so damn angry at myself that I try to go outside this house and do the things I loved, my cars, lawn work and just being productive. EVERY time I end up in miserable pain, this pain makes me so much more angry at myself that I try to push it farther and farther. I have been in miserable back pain for almost two weeks now, its now like a constant finger pushing my ANGRY button.

    I had hoped for better results and I fear that I might not get them soon enough. I am trying so hard to get some of my life back. I did not realize how difficult some things can really be. I had always been a fighter, a rebellious person, but I can not seem to get away from this. I do not think there is anywhere to run or hide. Life is going on around me while I am sitting still......I am afraid to jump back into life, I am afraid of the risks and I am afraid of failing.

  25. #125
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    on the road in North America!
    Posts
    3,195
    I am glad to hear from you Pontiac, though I am sorry to hear things are not going better than they are.

    With all that anger, have you been able to find a way to express it and get it out of your system? I am not saying that you shouldn't feel angry, I am saying that anger is an important one to express and process. Unexpressed it turns to depression-- or sometimes physical issues like ulcers. More physical issues you do not need!

    Elisabeth Kubler-Ross used to give her angry patients a length of hose and a pillow to beat up. Sounds silly, perhaps, but it did the job. I usually go out for a vigorous walk when I am angry. It seems like expending physical energy can release emotional energy.

    Anything like that work for you?
    We do not all come to religion over the wandering years,
    but sooner or later we all get to meet God. -- Edward Conlon

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