My struggles from tragedy

[Stitch]

Little bit of an update on how things are going. Little set back with recent events, for legal purposes, I had to watch the attack video and go through the attack again, as if I do not already to that enough inside my head, I needed an outside stimuli to add to it. Since, that day I have been replaying that video, stopping it in my head, analyzing it and beating myself up for what I got put into. I do not know where to put this anger, I do not know where to put this depression. The places that I have tried that are positive have only seem to given me false sense of relief. My evening walks for pleasure and pain exercise are no longer enjoyable, my running to attempt to restrengthen myself only ended up failing. I can not fail! I refuse to be a person that is letting life go by without him and that is exactly what is happening, but I do not know for the life of me what it will take for me to shake this thing and move on. I should just be able to move on, I have suffered enough and I want to move on. Even the days where the sun seems to be shining and I think its gonna be a good day, there is always that moment that triggers something in me to go into depression or sit and think about a million things out of my control for hours on end. I can not live like this much more.

Dude! Don't make me come down there. You've kept it together for this long, and there's no way to go but forward. By the way, there is no false relief. It's real. I can tell just by how your posts are changing you are more focused and alert. Do you realize how much MORE you are going outside? You were barely going out before. I know you still feel like crap, but do you realize your are doing more? You are becoming more functional and not even seeing it.

[pontiacgm01]

Alone and with my thoughts tonight.

[OneAdam12]

Brother, you know you are never alone.

[pontiacgm01]

Many have wrote and wanted an update, and I am sorry to report that the update isn't all that great. For about a couple weeks I have been severely depressed and going into intense anger spells. I started drinking on top of the meds and have continued to drink heavily. I have come to terms that I do not know how to reinvent myself and start over from this. I have accepted the fact that I haven't gotten much better in the past couple years. I have realized that nothing that is important to me feels important anymore.

I have become a person that is secluded from the world, sitting alone drinking. Then one day last week I was taking a shower, and it hit me, this would be a perfect place to kill myself, the clean up for everyone would be minimum and there would be no stains to remind anyone I was gone. But, a small spark in me told me how disappointed my mom would be and how much I love dog who has been my own little pal through this. Again, though it hit me what kind of person have I become that such an intrusive thought would come to my mind while taking a shower.

I started thinking about all the doors that I spent in my trying to open and did open, and how those doors got shut that day. I can't go back that far and open all those doors and still open new ones. EVERYTHING sets me off lately, from doing finances online, to trying to make a sandwich end up spilling something, I just throw the whole damn thing away. I lost my appetite, eating only small amounts of food because my mind seems like its trying to process a million things at once all of them about that attack and there is no room for anything else in there.

I feel like the depression and the anger have rooted me to my own home. My therapist says I need to not try to forget the attack but learn from it and learn to move on from it. I don't know how to do that. I feel like I have to get it out of my head to move on and it lives there forever and it now has control.

As the days went on I even got so down that I arranged to meet someone who was going to set me up with some marijuana, because I am desperate for something. But, I got so far into the meeting and I realized I took so much pride in being able to honestly say I never tried marijuana, especially when I applied to law enforcement and I again, wondered what person I have become.

I do not know what I have become, but I have sat in the shadows of gray for the past few weeks and the air is getting colder. The view of the outside world is getting dimmer and the soul of my existence is getting grimmer. I don't know how to let it go, I don't know how to myself get better, but I have lost it and I do not think I can get back.

My days are spend staring at the walls wondering if I will ever be a cop again, I thought about a military career and learned that medically I probably wouldn't be a good candidate and they wouldn't even take a willing soul ready to go die for his country. I always wanted to be a cop, I grew up admiring police officers and respected them so much. This place allowed for those admirations and all that hard work to be shattered. What if I can not become a cop again, what will I do with my life, where will I go, how do I start over when something you loved so much has been possibly taken away from you.

I just recently got the news that an officer from my department was fired after he was involved in a shooting that resulted in a death a few months back. He started drinking heavily and they discovered at a private party that he was acting weird. They confronted him on the job and he had requested mental help regarding the shooting, stating he had been drinking himself heavily. They sent him to a therapist, who he had a conflict of interest in and he requested a new one, they fired him that day without help. Made me feel even worse about myself because it hit home, but I feel for another victim.

So my update is not as good as one might hope, my outlook is not as sunny as one might want. I can say that I am clingy to what life I have left and I feel like its going away slowing eroding with every tear I shed.


Pontiac

[Stitch]

Many have wrote and wanted an update, and I am sorry to report that the update isn't all that great. For about a couple weeks I have been severely depressed and going into intense anger spells. I started drinking on top of the meds and have continued to drink heavily. I have come to terms that I do not know how to reinvent myself and start over from this. I have accepted the fact that I haven't gotten much better in the past couple years. I have realized that nothing that is important to me feels important anymore.

I have become a person that is secluded from the world, sitting alone drinking. Then one day last week I was taking a shower, and it hit me, this would be a perfect place to kill myself, the clean up for everyone would be minimum and there would be no stains to remind anyone I was gone. But, a small spark in me told me how disappointed my mom would be and how much I love dog who has been my own little pal through this. Again, though it hit me what kind of person have I become that such an intrusive thought would come to my mind while taking a shower.

I started thinking about all the doors that I spent in my trying to open and did open, and how those doors got shut that day. I can't go back that far and open all those doors and still open new ones. EVERYTHING sets me off lately, from doing finances online, to trying to make a sandwich end up spilling something, I just throw the whole damn thing away. I lost my appetite, eating only small amounts of food because my mind seems like its trying to process a million things at once all of them about that attack and there is no room for anything else in there.

I feel like the depression and the anger have rooted me to my own home. My therapist says I need to not try to forget the attack but learn from it and learn to move on from it. I don't know how to do that. I feel like I have to get it out of my head to move on and it lives there forever and it now has control.

As the days went on I even got so down that I arranged to meet someone who was going to set me up with some marijuana, because I am desperate for something. But, I got so far into the meeting and I realized I took so much pride in being able to honestly say I never tried marijuana, especially when I applied to law enforcement and I again, wondered what person I have become.

I do not know what I have become, but I have sat in the shadows of gray for the past few weeks and the air is getting colder. The view of the outside world is getting dimmer and the soul of my existence is getting grimmer. I don't know how to let it go, I don't know how to myself get better, but I have lost it and I do not think I can get back.

My days are spend staring at the walls wondering if I will ever be a cop again, I thought about a military career and learned that medically I probably wouldn't be a good candidate and they wouldn't even take a willing soul ready to go die for his country. I always wanted to be a cop, I grew up admiring police officers and respected them so much. This place allowed for those admirations and all that hard work to be shattered. What if I can not become a cop again, what will I do with my life, where will I go, how do I start over when something you loved so much has been possibly taken away from you.

I just recently got the news that an officer from my department was fired after he was involved in a shooting that resulted in a death a few months back. He started drinking heavily and they discovered at a private party that he was acting weird. They confronted him on the job and he had requested mental help regarding the shooting, stating he had been drinking himself heavily. They sent him to a therapist, who he had a conflict of interest in and he requested a new one, they fired him that day without help. Made me feel even worse about myself because it hit home, but I feel for another victim.

So my update is not as good as one might hope, my outlook is not as sunny as one might want. I can say that I am clingy to what life I have left and I feel like its going away slowing eroding with every tear I shed.


Pontiac

Why don't you connect with that other cop? get his number and call him. you are in a position to help him. You are wondering what to do with your life? Help somebody else.

[Stitch]

When I was little I was in a car accident. I was sitting in the passenger seat and my dad was driving. He died in that accident. Ever since then I have had bouts of severe anxiety. The older I get the less I have to deal with it I'm happy to say. A few years ago it got so bad I also had suicidal thoughts, and the same thoughts stopped me too. 'what would happen to my dog?' etc.

Recently I went to a hypnotherapist when things were getting bad again. I have been really pushing myself to finish my education and it was taking a toll. I was wowed by the result. I never felt so much better that quickly before.

Would you consider seeing a hypnotherapist? I'll be happy to find one for you. I'll even come down to CH-- and take you myself. Dont worry about the cost niether. You've got nothing to lose. What do you say? Or MAYBE I could bring a hypnotherapist to see you. Whatever it takes.

AND what about your meditations? I have a feeling you stopped doing them. They were helping you relax...

Come on:
http://www.swamij.com/online61.htm

http://www.swamij.com/onlineascending.htm

this one may be kind of 'out there', but you could try it:
http://mp3searchy.com/mp3_download/x...editation.html

[pontiacgm01]

I have shut down completely and turned to drinking, as we speak I have taken a half a bottle of vodka within the past hour or two. Things seem clearer when I drink. Things seem manageable. Meditations I cant stay calm long enough to do them. I spend hours of my days staring at the wall or I create so mu ch work for myself that I go insane trying to manage it all. I drink sometimes to drown my sorrows and I drink sometimes for that liquird courage to leave the house, I drink sometimes too for that liquid courage to follow through with what my mind has planned for me.

[jannino]

This thread has progressively gone down hill.

Pontiac,

I'm sorry for everything that has happened to you. It's obvious by your posting here that you have moments where you realize that you need help and are trying to seek it.

This situation is beyond any internet therapy.

You need to PM any one of us from here.. give us some contact info and we will do our best to find someone in your area that will listen to you.

If you have that feeling again, don't hesitate to pick up the phone and dial 911. It takes courage to ask for help.

[pontiacgm01]

Its Saturday, well now Sunday....I managed to make it through today , but I have drank all night. Its going on midnight EST and the beer has been calming me down making me think clearly. I think I am going to go off the medications that arent working for me. I don't seem liike the medication tiype person. Poison is what they are doing to me, you know that once you let someone get into your head you are letting them live there for freee. THe therapist is living there for free.f I have tried guys to hold on and I just cant do it anymore. I am too ashamed to get much more help. THis typing is some form of an outlet and if anyone learns from this I hope its for the good. I am a lost cause. Drifting away til I am out of sight. Will my presence be missed I sometimes wonder, will my memory be tainted. My career has been tainted., my life has been tainted. Things that are tainted usually remain suspect.

[Stitch]

Its Saturday, well now Sunday....I managed to make it through today , but I have drank all night. Its going on midnight EST and the beer has been calming me down making me think clearly. I think I am going to go off the medications that arent working for me. I don't seem liike the medication tiype person. Poison is what they are doing to me, you know that once you let someone get into your head you are letting them live there for freee. THe therapist is living there for free.f I have tried guys to hold on and I just cant do it anymore. I am too ashamed to get much more help. THis typing is some form of an outlet and if anyone learns from this I hope its for the good. I am a lost cause. Drifting away til I am out of sight. Will my presence be missed I sometimes wonder, will my memory be tainted. My career has been tainted., my life has been tainted. Things that are tainted usually remain suspect.

Stop drinking so much, do your meditations, and no drunk typing!

[jannino]

Your medications won't work properly when mixed with alcohol.

[pontiacgm01]

@susan: I have been outside all day today in the warmth of the sunshine and you know what it did for me.....NOTHING. My brain processed it as an absolute horrible time. Nothing great about the grass, nothing great about the cool breeze, nothing great about life.

My meds do not work anyways, I cant imagine them not working any less with alcohol. Alcohol will give me the courage to do what needs to be done, what should have been done Oct 17.

[Scubadiver]

@susan: I have been outside all day today in the warmth of the sunshine and you know what it did for me.....NOTHING. My brain processed it as an absolute horrible time. Nothing great about the grass, nothing great about the cool breeze, nothing great about life.

My meds do not work anyways, I cant imagine them not working any less with alcohol. Alcohol will give me the courage to do what needs to be done, what should have been done Oct 17.

I didn't want to post on this thread again and was hoping I didn't have too. You got tested and weather you believe it or not you passed. You went through the biggest test a warrior can go through and you won, a test of life or death. You lived. Make the most of you life, god and yourself got you through the struggle for a reason. Don't let this POS criminal take control of your life. You are still on this earth for a reason. You took the job to be the wolf of society. Do not let the sheep take control of your life. You got on here asking for help, well message me, I will send you my phone number and if you need to talk we will talk. But, I beg of you brother to not do something and not talk to another brother in blue.

[Stitch]

@susan: I have been outside all day today in the warmth of the sunshine and you know what it did for me.....NOTHING. My brain processed it as an absolute horrible time. Nothing great about the grass, nothing great about the cool breeze, nothing great about life.

My meds do not work anyways, I cant imagine them not working any less with alcohol. Alcohol will give me the courage to do what needs to be done, what should have been done Oct 17.

Wait a minute! What this about Oct 17???

[Stitch]

Wait a minute! What this about Oct 17???

Jack would you like people to come down and visit? I can't come for a couple weeks but maybe someone else could who is closer? If October 17 is the anniversary of the attack you should have friends and family around. People do love you and care, and you have to go on for their sake.

[Michigan]

You need professional help, not help from the internet. Go get it, like yesterday...

In the mean time, for quick help before you do something you can't take back, check out this website.
http://suicidehotlines.com/michigan.html

[Stitch]

You need professional help, not help from the internet. Go get it, like yesterday...

In the mean time, for quick help before you do something you can't take back, check out this website.
http://suicidehotlines.com/michigan.html

Michigan! He does get professional help. He's done everything he's supposed to. That's why he's so frustrated he's not getting results. He also is NOT in Michigan. What is he supposed to do with that link?
You know, you really ought to read the thread and stick with us, or leave it be...

[jannino]

I'm sure it was a simple over sight on Michigan's part.

Every state is listed on that site.

http://suicidehotlines.com/tennessee.html

[Michigan]

Michigan! He does get professional help. He's done everything he's supposed to. That's why he's so frustrated he's not getting results. He also is NOT in Michigan. What is he supposed to do with that link?
You know, you really ought to read the thread and stick with us, or leave it be...

My point was to provide help because he's suicidal. It doesn't matter where he lives, he just needs to call.

[JJHunsacker]

Its Saturday, well now Sunday....I managed to make it through today , but I have drank all night. Its going on midnight EST and the beer has been calming me down making me think clearly. I think I am going to go off the medications that arent working for me. I don't seem liike the medication tiype person. Poison is what they are doing to me, you know that once you let someone get into your head you are letting them live there for freee. THe therapist is living there for free.f I have tried guys to hold on and I just cant do it anymore. I am too ashamed to get much more help. THis typing is some form of an outlet and if anyone learns from this I hope its for the good. I am a lost cause. Drifting away til I am out of sight. Will my presence be missed I sometimes wonder, will my memory be tainted. My career has been tainted., my life has been tainted. Things that are tainted usually remain suspect.

Your feeling that alcohol helps you think clearly notwithstanding, it is a depressant. It's not going to help you emotionally, and in excess it will slowly rot you from the inside. Drinking that much will improve nothing. Mixing the alcohol with medication is not a good idea.

[Chiller]

Somebody better go get this guy before it's to late.......Pick up the phone and call someone or someone needs to make the call for him and get his welfare checked

His last few posting are beyond going down hill and thats not good

[Indy]

x2 on the welfare check.

[Stitch]

x2 on the welfare check.

.....

[deputy x 2]

.....

What does that mean?

[Stitch]

What does that mean?

check your PMs

Susan99- your inbox is full. please clean it out