Serious question. Need everyone's input.

[Ex Army MP]

Here is the question presented?

DO PARENTS HAVE A MORAL OBLIGATION TO PAY FOR THEIR CHILD’S COLLEGE EDUCATION?

My stepdaughter graduates high school next week. To be completely upfront, my wife and I have no intention of paying here tuition and make no apologies for not doing so. However, when I have been asked by friends/ co-workers about whether we are paying for her education, anything but an unqualified yes seems to anger some people. My wife has received a similar reaction. It’s to the point now where we simply don’t talk about it to others or we just say something to the effect of “we’re helping out”.

My position is this. The answer to this question largely depends on the facts and circumstances. Among the factors to be considered, IMO are:

1. The parent’s ability to pay
2. The child’s academic aptitude
3. Whether the child has sought loans, grants and scholarships.
4. The child’s overall attitude.

In our particular case, I am still paying off law school loans and have a pretty hefty monthly payment. My stepdaughter was an average student, isn’t exactly sure what she wants to do in life and has decided that she will go to community college. We are allowing her to live at home rent free, so long as she is enrolled. She is taking out a student loan and, even assuming she were to go on to get her four year degree, will probably have to pay back her loan to the tune of about $200.00 per month. That’s nothing, particularly if she has a decent job. In addition, she can wait tables on the weekends until her loans are paid off like so many hard working folks.

Now a common response I get is “why should I start my kid off in life with debt? Why don’t I take out the loan under our name?” Think about the logic here. Let’s say you have $50,000.00 equity in your home and take a loan out in your name. Then, you pass away and your kid is your sole heir. Now that debt has to be satisfied, right? She may end up with nothing. What’s the difference then if she takes out the loan, you pass away, she inherits your 50K and pays off her debt. Doesn’t it come out the same?

Sorry for the rant but it’s been a slow day and this was bugging the heck out of me.

Any thoughts?

[Woffski]

I don't think that it is a big deal. You are correct, if I may say so. You are doing the right thing and teaching at the same time. Teaching self reliance and work ethic and a whole host of important life skills that are needed by a young man or women. As long as you show support, I think you have done it correctly. :cool:

[Raiden]

Do you have a moral obligation to pay? The answer is no, you do not. Do you have a moral obligation to help, the answer is yes but within the means that you have available or are able to. In other words, you help her when you can or have the ability to.

My mother couldn't pay for my university tuition, but she helped me when she could and left the rest to me. It is called responsibility. Secondly, I had people who helped me obtain the means to acquire resources to help pay for college. Not every parent, like yourself or mine, has 80,000USD to pay for college, and your neighbors or whoever they are need to understand that.

College isn't cheap, so anyone "not talking to you" has issues because they lack the understanding that not everyone has a money tree in their back yard.

Good luck.

[nogginbuster24]

Pay if you want your daughter to have a bright future.

[Chit2001]

I don't think parents have any "obligation" to pay for their kids' college. I probably will, but we'll see. My parents didn't pay for my education.....and they both hold Master's degrees..... and were both educators. I would've thought they would have been perfect candidates! haha. They didn't refuse.... in fact, they offered, but I screwed up in my freshman year.... so I literally took it upon myself to move to another college and work my butt off.

Funny how much better a person does when they $$ is coming out of their own pockets. :D

If you can pay for her education, then do it. *BUT* there better be some STRONG stipulations in regards to how she does in school.

[rubyrose]

My parents paid for the first two years of college. After that, we were on our own. [There were five of us.]

I'm big on education (I teach college) but I don't think you are off base with this. There are too many kids going to college on their parents' dime who just goof off because they aren't paying for it themselves.

[rangerdanger]

In another life I was a financial advisor, and I always told my clients to save for their retirement, because their kids can go to college on loans and grants. That's how I put myself through college. But, if you don't save any money for retirement, you will suck your kids adult lives dry as they try to pay YOUR bills.

Your kids are tough, they can make it on their own.

[BC1260]

I paid for and am still paying for my college education. I DO NOT believe that a parent has any obligation to take care of their children beyond high school. Kids today are coddled too damn much. My wife and I have worked out an agreement with our children. If they want to go to college then they have to pay for it. If they get good grades and follow our rules, then we will reimburse them for their educational expenses to a point.

[toasterlocker]

Pay if you want your daughter to have a bright future.

I would agree parents should do what they can to help, but your comment comes across as a snide guilt trip.

If his daughter has a "bright future," its because she made the choice to have one, whether or not he decides to pay for school or just help a little. She isn't a kid anymore. Sheesh.

[LA DEP]

No obligation at all.....

[JasperST4]

Didn't get a cent from mine. I joined the service so I could go on the GI bill. The cost for college has really skyrocketed too, what your parents paid and what you may pay aren't the same thing.

[Hitman2]

I don't think a parent has an obligation to pay for a college. I do agree though that it is our obligation to help them by obtaining scholarships, grants and loans. When the time comes for our youngsters to go to college, we will let them live with us rent free if they stay in school. Also, they were left an inheritance that will help some and both of sets of their grandparents contribute to a college fund for them. But the rest is on them. By the time they get to college (they're 10 & 12), the inheritance and college funds will pay for books and a semester of food. :rolleyes:
I think it is really smart for your daughter to start out at a community college. If she doesn't know what she wants to do, she can take general courses that will transfer to most 4 year colleges. AND it's much cheaper.
I wish her luck! This is a big step!

[Tunkle]

My youngest son got a full ride scholarship in Music to a State College. Well, he goofed of so bad after the first semester he had to pay for the second semester. He asked me to pay it for him and I told him I would only co-sign his first college loan and if he didn't get back on the scholarship the following semester he was on his own. I haven't heard back from him since before Christmas. His mother told him I should be paying for his college, hell, my parents didn't pay for mine, I paid it myself.

[dw1503]

I honestly think that people who pay their own way through school appreciate it more. If someone does not really want to be in school and learn then they shouldnt pay.

Being in college now I notice that. A lot of students are here because it seems like they "need" to be here for whatever reason. They goof-off and do not take it seriously. This in turns wastes their parents money.

While I do think you should support your daughter in case of an emergency, such as a "only use this card if you are about to die in some distant land and a short bus ride will land you to safety" card.

Other than that. Being in college.... I think you made the right choice.

[2Adam29]

My parents aren't paying for my college unless I run out of money on my own. I have a full-time job, and tried to get scholarships. (I was denied for all scholarships, most likely because I'm white, average grade-wise, and my parents could have afforded college for me) I agree with my parents' assertion. Same thing happened with my car. It was my dad's car and it was worth $4,400. They sold it to me for $500. That way I had to make an actual sacrafice of funds to get it, but It was a sustainable hit to my high school bank balance. It taught me a bit more responsibility and I'm greatful for it.

[David Hineline]

Not paying for a child's especially a girls education and to help them out getting started on thier own is a quick way to ensure that you will be a grand dad sooner than later.

[grog18b]

First off... Why is it anyone's business who pays for YOUR child's college???

Second off... I have a daughter graduating from a 4 year college next year. It cost ME nothing. Why? Because I paid for her FIRST 12 years of school. When you become an adult, it's time to start paying your own way in the world, and stop living off mom and dad's tits. (sorry, but that's just the way it is...) Get out, get a job, be a productive member of society.

Why anyone would work all their life, raising a child to an adult, hopefully teaching them self reliance and self responsibility, then go on to set such a poor example by giving this young adult money...

I graduated high school at 17, entered the US Army a few months later, and NEVER went back home (to live) and NEVER asked my parents for a single penny. They worked for their money, I worked for mine. Everything I have in life I worked for, and have never been handed anything. Giving money to your children teaches them they don't have to work, and can get things for free from mom and dad.

I say... Kick them out of the nest. If you did a good job, they'll fly just fine, and no, they won't end up pregnant, as long as you did a good job with TEACHING them. Oh, and tell everyone that is Soooo concerned where YOUR child's college fund is coming from... If THEY wish to contribute, you won't stop them. ;)

Oh, and as far as starting them off with debt... Oh well, that's all part of life. Hell, we are still paying off my WIFE'S college laons. It's simply a fact of life, if they want to go, it costs money. Teach them about debt. We all have it, and you are not starting them off in debt. THEY are incurring that debt to assure their education for THEIR future. Kids that have education given to them don't take it as seriously as those who are paying for it themselves.

[JasperST4]

Not paying for a child's especially a girls education and to help them out getting started on thier own is a quick way to ensure that you will be a grand dad sooner than later.Is that what she told you?

[John2008]

Parents don't have any obligation to pay for their child higher education. My parents wanted to pay for my college but they couldn't and I understood that and have nothing against them for that; so I just went and got federal loans and scholarships throughout my 4year college period. I just graduated college with my B.A and I will start making payments in 6months, I don't have it too bad since I only owe around 30k, those scholarships really helped out. But my opinion is that parents don't have any obligation to pay for their child to go to college especially if they can't afford it. Plus when I found out I had to pay for college that pushed me to really well in my classes.

[Ex Army MP]

Not paying for a child's especially a girls education and to help them out getting started on thier own is a quick way to ensure that you will be a grand dad sooner than later.

That's a pretty broad statement there, David. I would agree with you if the topic were getting an education vs. not getting an education. However, if one gets an education, what does who paid for it have to do with when they'll be spitting out kids? Perhaps you're suggesting that parents not paying for school likely results in a student forgoing higher education. Statistically speaking, this would be incorrect. Studies show that over half of the students attending college finance their education with student loans.

As I previously stated, so long as she is in college, she can live at home, eat our food and use our utilities. I think that's a significant contribution.

Are you suggesting that all parents write their kids a blank check?

[rubyrose]

Hmmmm.

My daughter got pg (probably high school graduation night). Dad told her if she didn't have an abortion he wouldn't pay for college.

She said, well, Dad, guess I won't go to college.

He paid.

My share was not dependent on her decision re: the baby. I figured that baby needed to have an educated mom.

The grandson goes to college next year. Daughter is married to a physician she met while she was working at the university medical center so she could pay HER share.

Not paying for a child's especially a girls education and to help them out getting started on thier own is a quick way to ensure that you will be a grand dad sooner than later.

[Christyle]

Here is what I think. Parents should have NO obligation to pay for college tuition. If my father didn't fork over the money for it, and I knew I had to pay it myself, I might have taken it a little more seriously than I did! That is why they have STUDENT LOANS. Kids, not all, these days have no real idea about how money works. Sad, but true. If they have to work and pay for it themselves, maybe they will take their college career seriously. Just like, they buy a car with their own money, they will take better care of it!

[David Hineline]

That's a pretty broad statement there, David. I would agree with you if the topic were getting an education vs. not getting an education. However, if one gets an education, what does who paid for it have to do with when they'll be spitting out kids? Perhaps you're suggesting that parents not paying for school likely results in a student forgoing higher education. Statistically speaking, this would be incorrect. Studies show that over half of the students attending college finance their education with student loans.

As I previously stated, so long as she is in college, she can live at home, eat our food and use our utilities. I think that's a significant contribution.

Are you suggesting that all parents write their kids a blank check?


Not at all, there is not moral obligation to pay, they are now adults, but they are also very inexperienced and no help might not be the best thing for them.

I have friend's who were the you are 18 now hit the road type parents you are on your own. That does limit the young adults choices. It makes young men go into the military, it makes women look towards a man or a baby daddy to help them out.

You are somewhere in the middle, helping some as you can but not totally. Similar to what I did. Helped some, helped some more as she made bad decisions, helped some more to get her to where she really knew what she wanted, then she went and did it. If I had just written the check for the free ride, and it was too large a check for me to write her life would have been totally something different. Good or bad while working to pay for school it does make it hard to study and succeed in school, student loans guarantee a hard time after school for the next 10yrs or so, I did not want that for my daughter. I had the free parent ride through 2 year college and it made the transition into working field and marriage much easier. Because of my daughter's interests the daddy pay college ride was about 160k for 4 years and that was more than I could bear, but if it would have been available that free ride would have been very good for her long term. She got short changed by my lack of change. Nothing wrong with a reasonable middle ground it's just going to make it harder for her. Some people respond to hardship and overcome, some get destroyed by it. You are a good dad and doing your best is all one can do, do not let those who say you are not doing enough make you feel bad, the only one that matters is if your daughter thinks you are doing enough.

[Contact]

You have a moral obligation to ensure she goes.

Period.


There is plenty of assistance for those who qualify and seek aid. That said, because of her age and the assumption that she still lives with the two of you, she may not qualify for as much aid because the government assumes that the parents will pay a percentage, based on how much both birthparents make per year. Step parents do not count unless you and your spouse file jointly.

Both of my parents were unable to help me through college, and I put myself through on my own. If you or her have any questions, please feel free to PM me since I've BTDT.

[gbotj]

Do you HAVE to pay for ALL of it, no. But you should definately help out. Maybe pay half tuition, or a 1/4 of it. And then to say your letting her live there RENT FREE. I'm sorry but SHES 18 YEARS OLD!! I'd never be able to ask my kid for rent at 18.... Real nice guy.

[Army2PD]

Didn't get a cent from mine. I joined the service so I could go on the GI bill. The cost for college has really skyrocketed too, what your parents paid and what you may pay aren't the same thing.

Ditto !

[Fëanor]

Do you HAVE to pay for ALL of it, no. But you should definately help out. Maybe pay half tuition, or a 1/4 of it. And then to say your letting her live there RENT FREE. I'm sorry but SHES 18 YEARS OLD!! I'd never be able to ask my kid for rent at 18.... Real nice guy.What are you talking about? He's better than my parents were to me, and they were great parents.

My birthday is in April. After my 18th b-day, on the 4th of July I wasn't allowed to celebrate or barbecue. I had to pack my crap and move out. It was critical that I have my stuff out by the end of THAT DAY because my mom had ordered new office furniture to put in my bedroom and she was eager to get it set up.

After our apartment lease was out, my roommate wanted to move back in with his mom. Unable to afford my own place I was forced to do the same.

My parents told me the same deal: as long as I was in college I was allowed to live there rent free. Until my mom decided she was too stressed out and needed a year off work. Then I had to pay a couple hundred a month. Soon it was a couple hundred more each month. Then she kicked me out again.

The lesson I learned: at 18 you are a legal adult and you should really be able to support yourself without your parents' help. Obviously that is not always the case, but there is a fine line between helping a teenager out and babying them. A good dose of reality teaches them a lot.

[exdrip]

I honestly think that people who pay their own way through school appreciate it more. If someone does not really want to be in school and learn then they shouldnt pay.

Being in college now I notice that. A lot of students are here because it seems like they "need" to be here for whatever reason. They goof-off and do not take it seriously. This in turns wastes their parents money.

While I do think you should support your daughter in case of an emergency, such as a "only use this card if you are about to die in some distant land and a short bus ride will land you to safety" card.

Other than that. Being in college.... I think you made the right choice.

[LR946]

I paid for my own college, with help from student loans and the Federal Government, so I know it's possible to pay for your own college at 18, but a little help doesn't hurt - I'm only 20, but I'm realizing how hard it is to actually get started and get on your feet in the world. A little help here and there won't hurt - and it leaves room for gaining independence (not to mention more money in your wallet).

I also wouldn't worry about her not knowing exactly what she wants to do in life...it seems fairly common among college students.

Just my .02

[gbotj]

and they were great parents.

keep telling yourself that buddy!

[David Hineline]

Hard way vs easy way, maybe better maybe not.

Let's take the Air Force reserves, you want to be a nurse, you get a job, you join the AF reserves, you work hard to study in school, you get good grades the Air Forces helps pay but it's still tough but it builds character and you finally become a Nurse both in Airforce and civilian life. You are top in your field. After about 10yrs in the AR reserves you are a Sgt. after hard work and testing to make grade.

Another child lets his parents sponsor the free ride through medical college and becomes a doctor gets his degree but feels a duty to serve in the AF reserves also. They instantly go in with no boot camp, only a couple weeks orientation training, they get officers rank and are your boss both at the Airforce Base and at your day job. So while going the cheap route builds character those with character will be shining the shoes of those who got the free ride.

Plus 40yrs down the line the parents of the nurse with character will be getting thier diapers changed at the state facility while the parents of the free rider will be haviing private sponge baths at the spa.

[nadler20]

Here's what I think: Let her stay at your place, for free, but make her pay her way through community college. If she drops out, God forbid, then her life has begun which means no more living at hime.

However, if she gets her academic shyt together at the CC and YOU feel she has the ability and maturity to attend a four year university, then I think you should contribute to the final stages of her education, the one caveat being that she maintain a certain GPA, or else you bounce.

Like previously mentioned, the cost of college has increased exponentially over the years, so throwing it all on her back is not as easy as it was 10-15 years ago. Education is so important these days, I think it would be foolish to squander her first years of college, and her future.

The last 2 years at the 4 yr. school will be the final stage of your assistance, after which nothing more shall be expected or requested on her part. Period.

[Fëanor]

keep telling yourself that buddy!I realize it more and more every day of my life. Most parents love their kids, that is the easiest part of being a parent. My parents were smart enough to show me love while also showing me what I needed to do for myself.

[Ex Army MP]

Do you HAVE to pay for ALL of it, no. But you should definately help out. Maybe pay half tuition, or a 1/4 of it. And then to say your letting her live there RENT FREE. I'm sorry but SHES 18 YEARS OLD!! I'd never be able to ask my kid for rent at 18.... Real nice guy.

Well, this is where you and I disagree. Either the kid goes to college, is which case she can't afford to pay rent, or she doesn't and works full time and can afford to pay rent. What kind of job could she get at 18? I know plenty of waitresses in this area that make a nice living. Do I want her to do that? No. Hence the reason why we want her to go to college.

See, the problem with never being able to ask your kid for rent at 18( again, not something we want to do) is that 18 becomes 21 and 21 becomes 25. Where does it end? Kids often take advantage and do not become self sufficient. As far as I am concerned, for an adult to be able to live at home rent free, he or she has to be working toward a goal. School is one of those goals. Another would be if she were saving for her first house. We would work with her and wouldn't throw her out on her ear.

Another thing is this. She could have joined the military but didn't want to. I did and they paid for my college( not law school, unfortunately). Yeah, there's a war, and there's also the Coast Guard.Also, She could have gone to community college free in NJ if she had finished in the top 20% . She didn't work hard enogh and now must bear some of the financial responsibility.

Here's what always bothered me. I remember when I was in college seeing kids take advantage of their parents. For example, I would see kids, who's parents paid for school, smoking outside. Then it would dawn on me that this habit cost about $200.00 per month. Not to mention their drinking. Here their parents were breaking their backs to put their kids through school all so their kids could party and feed their habits on their dime.

Sorry, you can afford to smoke and drink, you shouldn't be asking your parents to foot the bill for school. Obviously you have discretionary income, they don't.

[Ex Army MP]

Here's what I think: Let her stay at your place, for free, but make her pay her way through community college. If she drops out, God forbid, then her life has begun which means no more living at hime.

However, if she gets her academic shyt together at the CC and YOU feel she has the ability and maturity to attend a four year university, then I think you should contribute to the final stages of her education, the one caveat being that she maintain a certain GPA, or else you bounce.

Like previously mentioned, the cost of college has increased exponentially over the years, so throwing it all on her back is not as easy as it was 10-15 years ago. Education is so important these days, I think it would be foolish to squander her first years of college, and her future.

The last 2 years at the 4 yr. school will be the final stage of your assistance, after which nothing more shall be expected or requested on her part. Period.

Not a bad idea and we'll see when the time comes. However, from what I have been told, she may be doing a program that will equip her to get a job with an associates. It's something in the medical field like sonography or radiography. At that point she might be starting at 30-35k. Then we'll see where we are but many medical employers offer tuition reimbursment so perhaps she can get the final two years that way.

No matter what, it's doable. I pay $ 500 per month in student loan bills,have a government job and a family and my wife works part time because we have a three year old. Guess what? I pack my lunch everyday and drive a 2001 Saturn. I live a modest life, take vacation once or twice a year and am not even close to being broke.

It's pretty sad, I think, that this young generation likes to lay a guilt trip on the rest of us and tell us how hard things are. Unfortunately, some of us have been there and know better.

[nadler20]

Not a bad idea and we'll see when the time comes. However, from what I have been told, she may be doing a program that will equip her to get a job with an associates. It's something in the medical field like sonography or radiography. At that point she might be starting at 30-35k. Then we'll see where we are but many medical employers offer tuition reimbursment so perhaps she can get the final two years that way.

No matter what, it's doable. I pay $ 500 per month in student loan bills,have a government job and a family and my wife works part time because we have a three year old. Guess what? I pack my lunch everyday and drive a 2001 Saturn. I live a modest life, take vacation once or twice a year and am not even close to being broke.

It's pretty sad, I think, that this young generation likes to lay a guilt trip on the rest of us and tell us how hard things are. Unfortunately, some of us have been there and know better.

Well that sounds like a good plan for everyone involved. Now you just have convince her of that. Hopefully she'll buy into it. Would she be interested in that path?

[M-11]

Parents are not obligated to pay for College. They are obligated to ensure they are going to be able to live out the rest of their lives without becoming a burden to their kids.

I see too many people with 50K in the bank for their kids for school, and no retirement plan for themselves. The kid will benefit more in life by never having to take care of their parents.

Grants and loans for College are easy to get, grants and loans for senior care are a little rarer...

M-11

[M-11]

David Hineline:
Let's take the Air Force reserves, you want to be a nurse, you get a job, you join the AF reserves, you work hard to study in school, you get good grades the Air Forces helps pay but it's still tough but it builds character and you finally become a Nurse both in Airforce and civilian life. You are top in your field. After about 10yrs in the AR reserves you are a Sgt. after hard work and testing to make grade.

Actually after 10 years as a nurse, you'e probably a MAjor, without testing.

Not too bad.

There are also some states where NG/Reserve duty will get you free tuition at state schools, look into it.

M-11

[insomniac]

My parents helped with community college, but university was too much. I moved out on my own when I was around 19. I pay my bills and pay for school from loans. My only wish at this point is that I had worked harder in high school so I would have had the possibility of scholarships. Hopefully this will help guide me some when I have kids on my own.

I don't think parents owe anything to their kids after the kid turns 18 and graduates high school. Tuition, free food, free home, or anything else. If I have the means to help my kids with college tuition I may do so, but if I don't it should not be seen negatively towards myself (as though it's anyone else's business).

[JMTX]

Do you have an "obligation?"

No.

My parents made me get scholarships...and I got enough of them to pay for 4yrs.

However, had my parents been helping me out (with rent, food money, etc) I would probably have finished my degree rather than dropping out after a year.

Working full time to pay the bills plus going to school full time is NOT a great idea. You don't have enough time/energy to do your absolute best in school when you are living on 3hrs of sleep a night.

Therefore, while you are not obligated per se, it would probably be better for everyone involved if you help out.

As for making kids pay rent, I'm 25 and I still live off mom and dad. They don't seem to mind. However, I do think that part of the reason they spoil me so much now is because they realize they could have done more to help me with college, and that had they done so I would have probably finished my degree.

[DAL]

My parents paid part of my room and board while I was in college. I felt guilty about it later, because I wound up making far more than they did.

In general, I would say that you should not pay, although $200 per month is pretty low. You are just wasting money until your stepdaughter shows some real interest and aptitude. Having to take a menial job might supply the motivation to achieve.

[towncop]

And this is in the General Law Enforcement Topics......why???

[Owen G]

My problem with the system (FAFSA) is that they base the student's financial need on mom and dad's last tax return (and the student's), unless you meet one or more requirements. If mom and dad worked hard to make good money-congratulations, you (The student) get to do the same, hopefully with some loans. If mom and dad are trash the government will pay for you to go through grants which won't have to be paid back.

I bust my butt working a summer just to find out the money I made working hellish construction actually made my Expected Family Contribution rise enormously next year. I found out the hard way why not working at all is actually financially beneficial to a student-more available in loans, lowered EFC, and more time to hit the books. It's contradictory in a lot of ways, and plain makes no sense in others. /end rant.

[deputy x 2]

I believe parents are only obligated to create a foundation where the child can build on. Whatever he/she builds on it is on them. Meaning teach them respect, morals, manners and traits necessary to make them productive as adults.

Should you go in debt for their education. Absolutely not. There is so much available as in scholarships etc.

[MaineSqueeze]

If you can afford it, then yes. If you cant, atleast do something to help out. Im a fulltime officer and still going to school, and my parents still pay for it because they believe education is the parents responsibility. They want to pay, so Im not argueing that. If I was 18 and out of high school again, and my parents didnt offer to pay, I probably wouldnt have gone, because putting a financial burdon on an 18 year old is overwhelming, and I would have gotton a job andmade money and possibly gone to school at some point.

[deputy x 2]

If you can afford it, then yes. If you cant, atleast do something to help out. Im a fulltime officer and still going to school, and my parents still pay for it because they believe education is the parents responsibility. They want to pay, so Im not argueing that. If I was 18 and out of high school again, and my parents didnt offer to pay, I probably wouldnt have gone, because putting a financial burdon on an 18 year old is overwhelming, and I would have gotton a job andmade money and possibly gone to school at some point.

You're a fulltime officer still go to school and your parents STILL pay for your education??

Out here that is called freeloading. Cut the umbilical cord and be the person your parents brought up. Your parents will always be there for you, that's an inherent trait.

My parents still offer me money for gas or whatever. They get mad when I refuse. They are on a fixed income and made a whopping 35K and 12K a year in their day. Hello Mom and Dad, I make over 100K a year..I can afford gas (just barely nowadays).

[MaineSqueeze]

You're a fulltime officer still go to school and your parents STILL pay for your education??

Out here that is called freeloading. Cut the umbilical cord and be the person your parents brought up. Your parents will always be there for you, that's an inherent trait.

My parents still offer me money for gas or whatever. They get mad when I refuse. They are on a fixed income and made a whopping 35K and 12K a year in their day. Hello Mom and Dad, I make over 100K a year..I can afford gas (just barely nowadays).

Yea, Im freeloading allright. They also burp me, feed me, tuck me in, and change my diapers. You must have missed where I said they WANT to pay for it. I have offered to pay for it, but they refuse to not pay. But this isnt about me, Im simply offering an opinion to the original poster.

[cantue5]

Moral obligation? What? I don't think so. Someone stated that at this stage of their lives they are considered adults...welcome to the real world. Maybe my parents were hard on me but they began preparing me at an early age for real life. Not that they crushed my every dream but they kept my feet grounded as I was "reaching for the stars" so to speak. When it came time to graduate HS, they made it crystal clear that I had two choices..1. Go to college (they offered to help but expected me to work and help cover the cost.) or 2. Join the military...but I was expected to move out and start life. Although my parents offered to help with college, I chose military because I felt that it would have been too hard for my parents financially. Things turned out just fine and I am still getting college education. My brother was the other option and we both ended up in the same place..Law enforcement. Someone said it above..kids are coddled too much these days. Some parents need to push their kids out of the nest so they are forced to learn how to fly. It was hard for me when I first started out but I learned how to be self reliant and not run home to mommie and daddie everytime I have a problem or am low on money. It's a parenting issue though and not a moral one...make a decision and stick to your guns. Don't let anyone else make you feel otherwise.

[cantue5]

I think Deputyx2 was just offering their opinion to your opinion...don't take it personal...

[tony.o]

Not paying for a child's especially a girls education and to help them out getting started on thier own is a quick way to ensure that you will be a grand dad sooner than later.

Aren't all those girls on Girls Gone Wild videos college students?

[JMTX]

Yea, Im freeloading allright. They also burp me, feed me, tuck me in, and change my diapers. You must have missed where I said they WANT to pay for it. I have offered to pay for it, but they refuse to not pay. But this isnt about me, Im simply offering an opinion to the original poster.

Ditto. I'm a freeloader and have no problem with that. My parents wouldn't do it if they didn't want to.

[Softscrubb]

I paid the lump sum of my college, my dad gave me money when/if he could. My wife's family was poor and she took loans/grants to pay college. We still pay on our loans 12 years later. It's not much and you get to right off the interest you pay each year.

My son is 14 months old. When he was 2 months old my wife and I started three things. Life insurance for me, life insurance for her, 529 college plan.

529 plan requires as little as $50 per month and it goes into an investment fund. It invests in risky in the beginning and as the years approach 'maturity' on the found (17.5 years) the risk decreases. It is not pretax since it comes out of your account each month. However, you figure $50 each month for 17.5 years (assume no increases) and a yearly return say 8%, my kid will have enough money for some of his college. I know it won't pay for all of it, but it's a start. It's that much less he won't need to borrow/earn. Now, with the 529 plan in the event my son decides he doesn't want to go to college, I can take the money out for myself (I only pay tax on the earnings if I don't apply it to school). Also, if I have any other kids the account is transferable if my first kid doesn't go to school.

[Presence]

You know, there comes a time when kids should start realizing they are growing up, and they need to start taking matters into their own hands. I'm trying to force my younger sis into realizing this, as she went to college on a soccer scholarship (to a two year school), didn't complete her degree there, so now she is back at home, living in between our parents' house and her boyfriend's house. She doesn't pay rent, she doesn't make her own truck payment. She is 21 years old. I'm telling you this because at some point, I think that some kids need to be forced into growing up. They need to learn how to make phone calls and get things done, how to pay bills, how to budget correctly...How to make mistakes and then learn from them. How to get back up after falling down.

If you aren't given the incentive to do things yourself, you'll be forever reliant on someone else to help you.

I don't think it is the parents' responsibility to pay for college. She gets to live somewhere rent free, and go to school - that should be enough of a gift all on its own.

[kingsman]

I put myself through college, and it wasn't a cheap college either. I wish I had the money to put my kids through
college, but I don't. That ahsn't stopped my daughter from going to community college for her associates degree, and then moving on (hopefully) next year to a full time college. Yes, we do support her and her two kids.
She also lives with us and pays us rent.

She can do it. I did.

[Ex Army MP]

IMO it is your obligation to help your children with college tuition / books and food.

Regardless if s/he knows what they want to do in life makes no difference. As the parent it is your responsibility to help mold her. You will find out that parenting does not end with your children tunning 18, 21, 30 or 50 you are still their parents.

So, by your logic, my parents should have paid for my education even though I graduated college at 35 and law school at 39?



Community College is it close to your home? offer no rent, help pay for tuition or just books, offer $200 for gas a month. No parent wants to see their son on America's most wanted or their daughter in a porn, be proactive.

Just my opinion.

So, it's either college or porn? Gotcha. And gas? Why? She has a job. I think allowing her to live at home should be enough. As for tuition, if a student isn't required to pay their loan back until six months after graduation, why should a parent have to pay the tuition?

Finally, apologies for putting this in the LE section and not Off Duty.

[willowdared]

Well, here's my 2 bits on the subject.

At what point did you and your wife decide you had no intention of helping put your step-daughter//her daughter through college? And, for how many years has your step-daughter known that she would be responsible for paying for college?

Was paying for her education a carrot held out to her if she performed well in high school - since you are using attitude/grades as a criteria to withhold funding?

Did you, at any point, sit down with her and make any kind of contract that clearly stated your expectations for her, and help her make plans for paying for that future?

Has her biological father made any contribution towards her future?

I'm asking, because I want to know if your decision is punitive in any way, and if your step-daughter knew while she was growing up that she had to be taking classes in junior high and high school that would improve her chances at getting scholarships.

I'm hoping that you didn't just spring this on her when she started her senior year?!?!

The problem I see with this "18 is an adult by gum, toss them out" argument, is no one is really raising their children to be adults by 18 these days. They raise them to be children until they are about 17 1/2, and then "whoopsies" time to grow up! If you are going to spend 17 years telling someone the have to go to college, you'd better spend 17 years talking about how they are going to pay for college.

I was raised by a single mother, and she drilled it in me that I needed to go to college. Not going was not an option. She was very clear early on, that I could live at home as long as I was at school. Only problem was, she refused to fill out financial aid forms so I could get loans or grants. I was able to get on a work-study program for awhile, but when the program was discontinued, I had to get an outside job. School eventually lost out to work hours.

Most good paying jobs these days require a degree of some sort. If you want her to be independent for the long term, I encourage you to sit down and make a plan that gets her through college with some sort of paper at the end. Whoever pays for it, everyone should be clear on what the expectations are.

[willowdared]

So, by your logic, my parents should have paid for my education even though I graduated college at 35 and law school at 39?

So, it's either college or porn? Gotcha. And gas? Why? She has a job. I think allowing her to live at home should be enough. As for tuition, if a student isn't required to pay their loan back until six months after graduation, why should a parent have to pay the tuition?

Finally, apologies for putting this in the LE section and not Off Duty.

Tsk, tsk....you did ask for opinions, right? You should realize some folks are going to disagree, since people at work disagreed.

Now, if you are trying to justify your decision, maybe there is more to the story????

[Meh]

Not paying for a child's especially a girls education and to help them out getting started on thier own is a quick way to ensure that you will be a grand dad sooner than later.

Are you kidding me? First of all, a boy is just as likely to become a father as a girl is to become a mother. Second of all, sexual education should be covered looooong before a kid is ready to start college. Good parenting has nothing to do with giving your kids money, it has everything to do with making sure your kids know what good choices are before they get out there on their own.

Oh and PS, not all women go looking for a "baby daddy" to help them out. Some women actually have brains, talents, or at least enough work ethic to GET A JOB, in order to support themselves. I moved out of my mom's house immediately after graduating high school. I lived off of cottage cheese, quesadillas and mac n cheese made without butter or milk for a long time and NEVER EVER did I once think that popping out a kid would improve my situation. Also I NEVER thought I would need help from a man. Not all women are braindead breeding vessels. For the most part, we are quite capable.
Also, as for as I see it, there's nothing wrong with men or women turning to the military.

[KX250]

Being still in high school, I understand that my parents aren't in the greatest financial situation and seeing as I have 5 other siblings I have been doing my own thing for quite a long time anyways. I don't feel like my parents are not doing their job, or abandoning me by not paying for it. I've been planning on serving in the army for a long time and becoming a LEO after that. I'm hoping to have ROTC pay for college, and if that doesn't work out I'll enlist and use the GI Bill.

To be honest, unless you put in no effort, there is a trillion scholarships out there and student loans to help you pay. Hell my good friends uncle got put through Murray States Veterinary program by some gun club, Bass Pro Shops, and Purina Dog Food.

[Seamonkey6]

My dad always told me I had 5 full-ride scholarships waiting for me when I graduated high school.

1. Army
2. Navy
3. Marines
4. Air Force
5. Coast Guard

M-11 posted that several NG units will pay your in-state tuition. True in Colorado. There are something like 400 MOSs now. It seems like getting your school paid for and learning skills that will help you later in life is a good thing.

That being said, my parents also told me that if I got a scholarship (non-military ;) ) that they would buy me a car when I graduated. I did get a 2 year scholarship and then went into the Army. Now have my 4 year degree and learned a language on the Army's dime, as well as a bachelor's degree.

[BEK320]

In briefly reading a few responses. For all you that said no, you must remember who will be picking out your nursing home. That being said most will be all forgetful anyways....I think that parents should help their kids in any way they can. The kids student loans are based off of the parents income and therefore if the parent has the ability to pay some or all of school then they should. If parents help their kids then there is a responsibility for the kids to help the parents. The circle of life

[Sarkis]

My parents don't pay me a dime, I'm doing okay and living on my own (since I was 18, now I'm 20).

There have been some rainy days that I wish I could've received help, if I asked, I probably would have received the help, but it's just not in me to ask.

That being said, maybe helping her slightly wouldn't be a bad thing, BEK320 mentions a good point.

By the way, had she left home right at 18 with some guy, doing bad things, you'd still end up "not paying" her anything for her tuition. So to help her out (she is dong a good thing, furthering her education) would in my opinion be a good thing, almost necessary if you are able to.

I don't have kids, but I know that when I do, they're there to raise and treat well, not abuse and neglect.

[buckybadge]

Paying my own way, drive a crappy car, eat ramein noodles and drink old milwaukee.....30pack 8.99

But I'm happy to say I'm doin it myself.....and when we play private schools..whose players get everything handed to em...and the student lot is full of volvo's, beamers, and the like...we think of it as us lowley public school scumbags take an angle and lay em out....

This actually said to me.......
Private school rich kid:," hey F*er, you poor SOB"
ME: "what?"
PSRK:" you go to _____, cause your parents are poor"
ME: "oh man"

It's ok to pay your own way...in the end I consider it bragging rights....not that I wouldnt have taken help if I could have...CAUSE I WOULD...but I'm ok with the way it had to be.

My kids will pay their own way...but if they'll never pay rent to live at home and they could always raid the fridge etc....
Help em out by bringing groceries when you visit, or filling up the gas tank...paying your own way is as simple or as hard as you make it....

IF you pay their way THEY BETTER BE GETTING 4.0's that's all I can say...if you dont have to juggle a job or two and school you have no excuse in my book

just my .02

[Jessyca]

I am very glad that a tax-free account was set up in my name by some of my relatives (not parents). This will cover the cost of my first two years of college. Beyond that I have various scholarships to help with the second two years. If I did not have this account, I would not be able to afford to go to school right now.

Mostly.... because my dad is a professor at a school that is part of the Tuition Exchange program. This program offers the children of professors who have been employed 10 (I think) years full scholarships at any of the other schools in the program. So if I didn't have the account I could have selected one of these schools.

[kelly1953]

Totally optional. When I turned 18, my Dad had a rule. You went in the service or went to college and the STUDENT paid. I helped my daughter with what I could, but she beared the load. My son went to the Marines....

[kamman]

I work in education right now and the sadest part about my job is turning down a student because they have no way to pay for school. All I would say is be willing to help your child with thier financial aid, they are going to need it. They cannot apply for financial aid unless they are married, support a child or other dependent, have been a ward of the court, are a veteran or are active duty military. If you have any questions PM me. College is expensive and the cost of a degree is far outwieghed by the potential earnings of a graduate. On the average a student with just an Associates Degree will make 20k more per year than one without. That goes up for a Bachelor's obviously. The main reason students tell me that they didn't go back to school sooner or right out of high school is because they couldnt pay for it or their parents weren't willing to help them with thier Financial Aid. Once a student takes out Financial Aid it is his/her obligation, not the parents. All they need from you is your tax information. Financial Aid amounts just increased starting in July of 08. A dependent student will receive $5,500 the first year in Stafford Loans. PELL grant is based soley on the income of the parents.

[JBean]

I'm Asian, and in the culture I grew up with, parents had the moral obligation to pay for college expenses. After college, when the child finds a job, the obligation stops. Here's how it went in my family:

- Parents emphasize since the start that a college degree is the great equalizer. Parents pay for school (grade school, high and college) and living expenses.
- Kids are not allowed to work or take a job while in school in order to focus on studying to get good grades.
- Failing grades are not allowed and subject to being punished the entire summer. The reason being there is not enough money for the retaking of courses. Every failing grade means the money for food during summer goes into another round of tuition.
- Kids can get summer jobs.
- Acceptable grades are B and higher. C is not really cause for celebrating.
- Parents expect to attend the graduation rites. Dropping out is grounds for being disowned. Parents bend their backs and kill themselves to send the kids to school. The child MUST finish it or he/she is finished at home.
- Parents throughout the years of paying for school repeatedly tell the kids how hard they are working to send them to school from selling their soul to borrowing from their SSS funds. The only payment they expect back is to graduate the degree.
- After graduation, and upon acceptance to the first full time job, the kids MUST OFFER TO PAY THE PARENTS GROCERIES FOR ABOUT 4 YEARS. Parents will feign acceptance, saying they don't expect to the repaid for their responsibility. But they will accept the groceries for the next 4 years or until the kid gets married.
- Once the kid gets married, free groceries stop and parents understand. The man/woman leaves the parents to start their own family.
- Hence the ideal time for the kid to get married is after 4 years of getting a full time job after graduation.

It's been 15 years and I still send $1000 every year to my family. That is a small amount compared to what they went through to send me to school.

[itnstalln]

They do have quite a few student loans available. Some drawbacks are that in some cases if your parents make too much money you become ineligible for need based loans (which have much, much better terms) regardless if they actually support you or not. There are a few cracks in the system but without it a vast number of people wouldn't be able to get a college education.

That being said, I have a lower interest rate on my mastercard than I do on my student loans?!? :confused:

I'd say they have a moral obligation to help out. Moral obligation to pay for school, no, but moral obligation to help out in what ever ways they can, yeah. Maybe it's just helping them move in. But I expect many parents will help out with $ as they can, I've even seen some give money they probably couldn't afford.

[katzeyze]

My parents couldn't afford to send me to college, we were po'!

I was 30 before I even got pregnant for the first time - so the theory of NOT paying for your kid's college means she will get knocked up DOESN'T hold an ounce of water with me.

I have 2 kids and provided they don't decide to be a serial killer or something like that when they grow up IF it is POSSIBLE I'll help out with their college, but I won't be guilted into it if I can't.

[Ex Army MP]

Well, here's my 2 bits on the subject.

At what point did you and your wife decide you had no intention of helping put your step-daughter//her daughter through college? And, for how many years has your step-daughter known that she would be responsible for paying for college?

Was paying for her education a carrot held out to her if she performed well in high school - since you are using attitude/grades as a criteria to withhold funding?

Did you, at any point, sit down with her and make any kind of contract that clearly stated your expectations for her, and help her make plans for paying for that future?

Has her biological father made any contribution towards her future?

I'm asking, because I want to know if your decision is punitive in any way, and if your step-daughter knew while she was growing up that she had to be taking classes in junior high and high school that would improve her chances at getting scholarships.

I'm hoping that you didn't just spring this on her when she started her senior year?!?!

The problem I see with this "18 is an adult by gum, toss them out" argument, is no one is really raising their children to be adults by 18 these days. They raise them to be children until they are about 17 1/2, and then "whoopsies" time to grow up! If you are going to spend 17 years telling someone the have to go to college, you'd better spend 17 years talking about how they are going to pay for college.

I was raised by a single mother, and she drilled it in me that I needed to go to college. Not going was not an option. She was very clear early on, that I could live at home as long as I was at school. Only problem was, she refused to fill out financial aid forms so I could get loans or grants. I was able to get on a work-study program for awhile, but when the program was discontinued, I had to get an outside job. School eventually lost out to work hours.

Most good paying jobs these days require a degree of some sort. If you want her to be independent for the long term, I encourage you to sit down and make a plan that gets her through college with some sort of paper at the end. Whoever pays for it, everyone should be clear on what the expectations are.

These are excellent questions and I'll try to answer all of them. First, let me say that this is my bone of contention with much of today's young culture. I analogize what I see as the student/ parent relationship to the liberal/ government relationship. Much like libs, kids feel a sense of entitlement but with little accountablity on their part. They fail to see that it's a shared responsibility and not one sided. Of course, I am not referring to all kids.

With that said, my stepdaughter, who isn't necessarily a bad kid per se, seems to have a problem with parental authority yet has sense of entitlement. We have told her in the past that we weren't rich but would make every effort to do what we could to help out. However, we told her that on her end, she needed to do her part, i.e. get good grades, prepare for the SAT, take AP courses and do whatever she could. The problem is that she never really wanted to talk about school and when we would bring it up she felt as though we were pressuring her. We couldn't even have a simple conversation with her.

Now, to give an example of just how she expects but doesn't give, I remember when I would ask when the SAT was given and tried to discuss an SAT prep course. She would always seem evasive and never expressed much interest. Then, when the SAT rolled around she wanted the $40.00 fee and asked my wife. I then asked what she was doing to ensure that she did well. I recommended that she take a course that we'd pay for, or at a minimum buy a Kaplan or Princeton review book( what I did for the LSAT and seemed to do well). She wouldn't listen and planned to walk in there cold. Her attitude was that she'd simply " give it a shot" and then see how it would go and that if she did poorly, she'd simply go to community college. My position was that if that was her attitude, why waste her time? Why not just simply sign up for community college and skip the SAT? Or, take a review course, give it all that you have, and then if you don't do well, go to CC. Well, against our advice she went in there cold and bombed.

That's what I am talking about. Now, why should we simply throw money down the drain? Instead, she can live with us, go to CC, and then a good state school down the road from us, and take loans. If she graduates, and finds the loans too burdensome, she can continue to live at home rent free for a long period of time, say five years, and pay her loans in what she would have pay in rent.

[Maddogg123]

Not paying for a child's especially a girls education and to help them out getting started on thier own is a quick way to ensure that you will be a grand dad sooner than later.Give me a freaking break. If a female is going to have a child early in life it won't be because her parents didn't put up the money. My wife didn't get anything from her parents and the last semester she only got a scholarship because of my second profession. You help your daughter get started by teaching them the right things while they live at home. When they go to college they have to get a scholarship and if need be loans. If she wants extra then either get a job or do without.

[Maddogg123]

Do you HAVE to pay for ALL of it, no. But you should definately help out. Maybe pay half tuition, or a 1/4 of it. And then to say your letting her live there RENT FREE. I'm sorry but SHES 18 YEARS OLD!! I'd never be able to ask my kid for rent at 18.... Real nice guy.I think by rent free he means not have to pay for college housing. That's pretty expensive and letting her stay there, which he's under no obligation to do, is helping.