Quips?

[pulicords]

How many times have you heard or said something that addressed a situation at work in a humorous manner? Officer "quips" demonstrate their ability to think fast on their feet and often deal with stressfull situations in a positive manner. Care to recall any? Here's one of my favorites:

A friend of mine was was police officer with a major railroad police department. He worked in a fully outfitted plain car in suit and tie. His "beat" covered hundreds of square miles and his vehicle was equipped with numerous antenna/radios to deal with a variety of other agencies he associated with. Just before dawn one morning, my friend was walking from the local coffee shop to his vehicle, when a familiar CHP officer parked next to the "plain-wrap" and exited the black and white with a new trainee. My friend and the senior road officer talked for a few minutes, while the newbee looked and looked at the unmarked vehicle and all it's equipment. As they prepared to go their separate ways, the newbee finally decided to ask the plainclothes officer what he'd been trying to determine (unsuccessfully) on his own, "What department do you work for anyway?"

The plainclothes officer responded immediately, "California Department of Vital Statistics, Rumor Control Division."

Before he was pulled into the coffee shop by his senior partner, the newbee asked seriously, "They have you guys working Morning Watch?"

[ElDiabloJoe]

My FTO was talking to a misguided member of yesterday's youth. My FTO was being a bit paternal, and said something along the lines of, "If you keep hanging around with this crowd, you're gonna end up in jail, son."

The guy was all attitude and spewed back, "I'm not your son, you're not my father!"

My FTO, without missing a beat, says to the little delinquent, "I don't know-I've ______ (slept with) some ugly women."

I could not keep a straight face!!

EDJ

[Smurfette_76]

Ohhh, I gotta tell this one. At my first PD, I was pretty new to the streets about the time the Marine Corps Ball rolls around. My husband (at the time...I shivered just typing that) was going, but I had to work. I got called to a club about 1 AM to find that many of the Marines (enlisted and Officer) had ended up there after the ball.

I'm standing there with another Officer when a boot Lt stumbles out of the club, being supported by a couple of Lcpls. Well. The Lt looks at me and sneers...and I mean SNEERS at me. He's leaning all on the LCpls shoulder, points his finger at me, and says (very slurred) "They let you B*tches in the Marine Corps and now they let you *insert the nastiest word you can call a woman* be cops, too?" I told the other Marines they better move him and move him now.

So, as he's stumbling away he says to me over his shoulder "Girl, you know what these mean?" as he points at his different insignia and rank...I'd had enough...I got right in his face and said, "Yes, Sir. It means you give a better **** job than most women" All hell broke loose. He went to swinging and it was on!!! He left...handcuffed and with the arms torn out of his dress blues.

[KapsFB]

Several years ago, we had some flooding downtown and a possible gas leak in the area so we were keeping a perimeter (about two blocks) to keep people out. Of course a few want to wander on through to gawk. We politely tell them no can do. After awhile, it gets old. How many times do you have to see someone turned away then immediately try to bust through yourself? We were getting less polite as the day wore on.

One such guy was on a bicycle and clearly saw me turn someone away but being priviledged as he was, starting riding past the perimeter. I promply ordered him to turn around. He did but had to add "You know, you don't have to treat people (he may have said the dreaded 'taxpayers') like that. Just a friendly word of advice".

As he road away, he almost ran into a moving vehicle. I had to retort "You know, you might want to pay attention to where you're heading. Just a friendly word of advice".

All those present (a fairly large group of onlookers) laughed at him. A couple applauded.

[cgh6366]

My very favorite, which I now use whenever possible is:

Sir, stupidity is not a crime, so you are free to go.

[mdrdep]

Several years ago we had a homicide where the victim had some penetrating trauma at the very tip of his head. He had died sitting in the driver's seat of his van and was left there for several hours until the coroner showed up. Well they finally pull him out and lay him out on his back. When they do so I guess the fluid in him sloshed around a bit, causing some of it to squirt out the hole in the top of his head a couple of times.

The on scene coroner's investigator said, "Oh look, a fountain boy"

[Tim Dees]

"Hey, you're not as dumb as you look! Come to think of it, you couldn't be."

During a field interview of a subject who has "forgotten" basic details, such as his name: "The questions get harder."

During an FST: "Quick: was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"

My partner, in the driver's seat, waiting for the car ahead of him to move after the light had changed (over the PA): "It's the skinny pedal on the right."

The same partner, cautioning a malefactor that had refused to follow instructions or had reached into a pocket at a critical time: "What're you, bored with life?"

Commenting on the capture of a pair of brothers who had murdered their parents in San Jose, buried them in the back yard, emptied their bank accounts, bought a used Corvette, and had been stopped just outside our city: "They'll probably throw themselves on the mercy of the court because they're orphans."

On hearing news that one of our local sleazeballs was lying in a terminal coma in the local ICU, while his equally sleazeball and destitute parents were refusing to let the hospital turn off the machines that were keeping him alive, insisting they were going to bring in a specialist from California: "Who they gonna get, Joe Carcione?"
(Younger guys: Joe Carcione was "The Greengrocer," a guy that had a syndicated segment on news programs across the country, each day featuring a different fruit or vegetable that was in season. He pronounced the latter "vegg-it-TABE-el")

When confronted with an especially distasteful assignment: "You knew the job was dangerous when you took it."

When confronted with the possibility of getting fired: "You were looking for a job when you found this one."

Slogan on the back of a t-shirt made and worn by members of the graveyard shift:
"First Watch:
The Few.
The Fatigued.
The Forgotten."

Song chorus sung by all present in the booking area when an officer brought in a suspect after what had clearly been a protracted physical altercation: "I fought the law, and the--law won. I fought the law, and the--law won."

On escorting a dissatisfied party from the courtroom after the rendering of judgment: "See, this is why it's called criminal justice."

Answering the concerns of a new trainee about to be assigned to me, as I was an FTO attached to the K-9 team: "The first week, you have to ride in the back of the car, hang your head out the window, and drool on the door. The other thing to keep in mind is that when these guys come in and greet each other, it's truly disgusting."

When the film Dances With Wolves was popular, "Indian" names given to certain department personnel:
Dances With Truth
Believes His Own Publicity
{Excrement} Flies To Him

[cgh6366]

An old partner of mine used to use this on people that just rambled on incoherently:

Have you ever been the victim of a suicide or homicide?

We actually had one guy answer yes!

[cgh6366]

And the ever popular:

Don't go away angry - just go away

[ray8285]

Don't know if it fits what you're looking for but

Whenever I have an argumentative driver on a car stop I always ask if they would like a third party to mediate the issue....I write the ticket and then point to the judges name and the court date saying this is the mediator and this is the date for the mediation.

[mavriktu]

The only original one that I have ,that I can think of right now is "Fights over,I win":cool:
It really seems to confuse the combatants and makes them chill out.

[1042 Trooper]

To the less then remorseful traffic violator who just needs one more reason to explode in your face....

"Press hard, Sir, you're making five copies."

And, to the guy who offers you $50 for the fine pen you are about to write him up with.....

"Man, that's a deal!" Swap the $50 for the pen. Then, just as he thinks he's about to drive off, pocket the $50 and pull out your "back up pen" and keep writing. :D:D:D

[IMachU]

And, to the guy who offers you $50 for the fine pen you are about to write him up with.....

"Man, that's a deal!" Swap the $50 for the pen. Then, just as he thinks he's about to drive off, pocket the $50 and pull out your "back up pen" and keep writing. :D:D:D

WHAT???? Bribery? That's an immediate go-to-jail offense here in Calif!! And if you take the $50, he'll have a cell mate!!

[ElDiabloJoe]

No kidding!!! Those Chicago/Wisconsin/Mid-west methodologies of old school police work (i.e.- the Twenty dollar bill taped to the back of the driver's license) is nothing short of a one-way ticket to jail for bribing a public official. Certainly NOT how it is done on the west coast.

EDJ

[1042 Trooper]

IMACHU says: "WHAT???? Bribery? That's an immediate go-to-jail offense here in Calif!! And if you take the $50, he'll have a cell mate!!"

What's wrong with selling a pen? Not a crime anywhere I've ever heard of!

[IMachU]

Sorry, Troop...forgot the smilies... :D :D :D

[IMachU]

While it IS a one-way trip, I know you were playin'. Sorry about forgetting the smilies!

[chappo555]

A few from down under.

Angry motorist: Dont you have anything better to do?
HWP COP: Umm let me think, todays tuesday isnt it. No nothing better to do on a tuesday.

Angry motorist: Why dont you go and arrest real criminals?
HWP COP: Cause Im too busy dealing with stupid motorists!

HWP COP to motorist who wont stop whinging or bitching "Keep arguing, Ill just keep writing"

'Focus group' of bumbling beauricrats pretending to be interested in career progession to my old HWP Sgt "So where do you see youself in the organisation in the next five years:
My old HWP Sgt replies "The way this organisation is going - In a clock tower with a high powered rifle !!

cheers - be safe

[mavriktu]

To the less then remorseful traffic violator who just needs one more reason to explode in your face....

"Press hard, Sir, you're making five copies."

And, to the guy who offers you $50 for the fine pen you are about to write him up with.....

"Man, that's a deal!" Swap the $50 for the pen. Then, just as he thinks he's about to drive off, pocket the $50 and pull out your "back up pen" and keep writing. :D:D:D

Once had a violator when asked for his drivers license attempted to hand me a $50.00 bill,told him,"Sir,if your name isn't Useless S. Grant you are in some really deep "doo-doo":rolleyes:

[pulicords]

I once identified a gypsy as the suspect in a robbery case. I found out that he lived in a storefront fortune telling business with his wife. When I went to the location, found the suspect there and arrested him, the "fortune teller" wife cried out to me, "What's going to happen to my husband?"

I couldn't resist replying, "You don't know?" :rolleyes:

[1042 Trooper]

While it IS a one-way trip, I know you were playin'. Sorry about forgetting the smilies!
Smiles notwithstanding, I remain that it is NOT bribery to offer to buy a pen for $50 if the market will bare it! And, it is not accepting a bribe to sell it. The ticket was still written. There is no crime. And, it really happened.

How do you like THEM apples! :D:D:D

[1042 Trooper]

In another case, the violator, after signing the ticket, handed the officer's pen back out the window. Just as the officer reached for it, the violator says,
"Woops," dropping the pen on the pavement.

Officer picks it up, gives the violator the ticket; then, as he reaches out to give the guy's license back to him, slips it into the window channel and drops it, saying,

"Whoops!"

[SddR70]

I actually got to use a twist on a line from "Super Troopers" once. This gal and her sister we were dealing with called me "dawg". I stopped what I was doing, looked directly at her and said "Do I look like a dog? Am I down on all fours wagging a tail?" My patrol officer had to walk away to keep from laughing in her face.

Another favorite: "Attitudes adjusted while you wait."

And - "Go ahead and fight the ticket, I need the overtime."

[POPO-FLA]

When asked why I was arresting a prarticularly annoying regular in the hood
"Felonius theft of oxygen"

[1oldsarge]

Ohhh, I gotta tell this one. At my first PD, I was pretty new to the streets about the time the Marine Corps Ball rolls around. My husband (at the time...I shivered just typing that) was going, but I had to work. I got called to a club about 1 AM to find that many of the Marines (enlisted and Officer) had ended up there after the ball.

I'm standing there with another Officer when a boot Lt stumbles out of the club, being supported by a couple of Lcpls. Well. The Lt looks at me and sneers...and I mean SNEERS at me. He's leaning all on the LCpls shoulder, points his finger at me, and says (very slurred) "They let you B*tches in the Marine Corps and now they let you *insert the nastiest word you can call a woman* be cops, too?" I told the other Marines they better move him and move him now.

So, as he's stumbling away he says to me over his shoulder "Girl, you know what these mean?" as he points at his different insignia and rank...I'd had enough...I got right in his face and said, "Yes, Sir. It means you give a better **** job than most women" All hell broke loose. He went to swinging and it was on!!! He left...handcuffed and with the arms torn out of his dress blues.

Now, I don't care who ya are. That's funny!

[1oldsarge]

One of my Deputies and I went to a coffee shop, and the waitress came up. The Deputy looked at her name tag, and said:
"Vicky. That's really nice. What did you name the other one??"

I waited for the phone call, but it never came....

[grog18b]

After a long and loud interrogation of a homicide suspect, our LT comes in and says "You will never get cooperation from a suspect by yelling at them." To which my partner replied "Remember that, LT, next time you come up here and yell at us."

[ateamer]

My trainee and I were dispatched to a theft report, where a psychic was reporting that someone had stolen the sign from in front of his business. I responded to dispatch with, "Confirm the RP didn't know this was going to happen?"

We were at the jail booking a hype and overheard another custody asking why he was in for probation violation. The probation officer at the jail told him it was because he had called his PO (a black female) Aretha Franklin. I piped up with, "Maybe you should have treated her with a little R-E-S-P-E-C-T."