Various LE responses to venomous snakes

[Kieth M.]

An Analysis of US Law Enforcement Agencies Upon Encountering a "Venomous Snake" Within Their Jurisdiction:

FBI - Searches for, but cannot locate the snake. After the snake is caught by local police, the FBI forms a Snake Task Force of 150 agents, sets up a command center, holds a press conference, and takes credit for capturing the snake. Upon taking credit, the impressive command post is packed up and the FBI task force return to their office to await another large event to take credit for... In the mean time, FBI management requests 4,000 more agents to combat snake activity associated with terrorism.

US Secret Service - Forms a protective ring of agents around the snake and escorts it to a safe area.

ATF - Sends SRT team to arrest the snake. They expend all of their ammo, then burn the forest down, killing the snake, and everything else in the forest. At a Congressional inquiry, they make a presentation of why additional funding is required to properly train agents to battle the threat of snakes. The only questions asked by ATF management after the operation is whether or not there was a proper operational plan in place, if the plan was followed, and who can take the fall for anything that went wrong.

TSA - Abiding by a Congressional ruling to prevent "profiling" venomous snakes, the TSA makes random inspections. Venomous snakes are regularly allowed to pass while TSA officials strip search a family of squirrels.

IRS-CID - Performs an in-depth investigation of the snake and writes a 100-page summary of why the snake should not be prosecuted. The investigation is closed and all agents are out of the office by 4:30pm.

ICE - After obtaining permission from the BPA, CBP, FBI, FPS, IRS, FINCEN, DEA, ATF, FAMS, FEMA, and the Girl Scouts of America, they mail the snake a notice to appear on a specified date for a status hearing. The snake never responds and is promptly forgotten.

DEA - Initiates a Title 3 and an MLAT investigation on the snake's cell phone after discovering that the above-listed agencies have begun an investigation on the snake. DEA spends $3 million to discover the snake is not Colombian...

U.S. Attorney's Office - Declines prosecution out of "professional courtesy."

USBP (Border Patrol) - Captures the snake. Their inability to communicate with the snake results in a recruitment drive for snake handlers. They take the snake back to the border (for the 40th time).

US Forest Service - They have meeting after meeting. Management wrings their hands and decide to deny any existence of the snake on public lands. All agents are ordered to Washington to prevent any sighting of the snake. All agents are ordered to refer to the snakes as "legal reptiles."

Local Highway Patrol Office - Shoots the snake after accidentally driving over it several times. The Officer then puts the snake in a local Police Officer's car while it is parked outside the nearest Starbucks.

Local Sheriff's Department - While "poaching" in the city limits, six deputies club the snake senseless, the five deputies with the most seniority depart while local PD responds and is told by the remaining deputy, "Hey, I was flagged down by a motorist who didn't ID themselves, I found him like that....I have to get back to my area now, bye!"

[Kieth M.]

I forgot how my own agency, the LAPD, would respond -

The snake would be shot and killed, two to the body, one to the head, as the responding police officer is trained to do.

A command post would be set up and traffic would be tied-up in the area for several hours while the neighbors called their city council office to complain that they can't get in/out without delay because some nasty police officer had an attitude and wouldn't let them pass.

Immediately K-9 and SWAT units would respond to spend the next seven hours 'clearing' the involved neighborhood.

As soon as a sufficient number of TV cameras were present, the mayor would arrive and declare Los Angeles a sanctuary city for reptiles, whose venom may not be fully understood.

Community activists for Reptile Americans would immediately call for a full, complete, comprehensive, impartial, outside, and/or Federal investigation as to what really happened to the snake.

The snake's venomnous background would be downplayed, early childhood photos of the snake (fangless) would be shown, rather than adult w/exposed fangs.

Soon to be jailed Attorney Steve Yagman would announce on behalf of the snake's family, a lawsuit alleging exsessive force, and seeking 100 million dollars, naming the officer who did the shooting, Daryl Gates, and 99 John Does as defendants.

City Crisis Counselors would meet with Reptile Americans to discuss their concerns for when they come into contact with the police, and work to soothe reptile community fears of the police.

The City Personnel Department would create an outreach program to recruit Reptile Americans into the police department(s) of L.A. Paying bonuses to officers who are bi-lingual English/Snake speakers.

Risk Manangement folks would produce English/Snake brochures advising Snakes on how-to complain against police employees.

The officer who did the shooting would be placed on admin leave, then after speaking to a pshrink, would be sent to work an area where snakes aren't likely to be found..."hey, it's good for him, it's good for the community!"

The Federal Government would create a Consent Decree addition, seeking for the department to quantify the amount of police/snake contacts, and how often snakes are stopped, patted-down, or searched in comparison with other reptiles. The procedure would last for years, compiling data far beyond what it was intended to study.

What else am I forgetting?

[barr151]

Don't forget about the remaining snakes rioting and looting.