Disabled Officer

[elvisray0]

Hello. I'm a disabled, ex police officer. I've been diagnosed with PTSD(Post Traumatic Stress Disorder) I went through several critical incidents, including 3 shooting incidents, 1 in which I tried to talk a barricaded suspect with a hostage. He was later shot and killed. I'm not here to depress everyone, but I think officers should be made aware of this problem. Approx. Every 24 hours, a police officer commits suicide. My close friend was one of the numbers. He shot himself in front of his family.

[e-man]

Ill be the first to welcome u to the boards here. I know what you mean about suicide, its almost a dirty word to say, esp. in front of other cops. WE had a guy in my old department kill himself a few years ago.
I will never forget the NYPD officer who on Christmas saved someones life by talking him out of jumping off a roof or something {i thought I would never forget}. Later on after work he and the boys from his precint went to the bar to celebrate. He went into the bathroom and shot himself dead...

[deputy x 2]

Welcome glad to hear from you. You are one of the strong ones who is not afraid to speak up. My condolences regarding your close friend. Hope his family is receiving support from your department.

We are taught to deal with other peoples problems but we often forget to take care of our own. Last month one of our officers committed suicide. Since I've been on this dept, three have taken their lives by way of firearms.

Our dept is kind of reactive instead of proactive when it comes to this. After the incident they said," Oh you know you guys get free psych appts...and they are confidential." Yeah right! The thought is kind of a taboo.

We all go through yearly updates, CPR, legal updates, domestic violence, vehicle ops etc. NO amount of time is spent teaching us about how stress can affect you or your family.

I believe LAPD has a seminar that directly deals with stress.

Lawrence Blum PhD is a clinical psychologist who has worked with police depts for over 20 years. He has a book called "Force Under Pressure"- How cops live and why they die. I've read it and highly recommend it. After reading it, I realized why we think the way we do and why we do things to cope.

Anyways, enough of that...welcome brother!

[slopegrrrl]

welcome to the site.

[pawncop]

Welcome from Texas. Enjoy the forum, stay safe. The stress of this life can surely be overwhelming. I hope you have found peace as best you can.

[pkagel]

Thanks for posting elvis.

What are some signs that you should look for in yourself to see if your becoming affected by PTSD, or maybe a better question was how did you find out you were affected?

I have a link on my website to http://www.tearsofacop.com/police/police.html which is a PTSD and suicide web site.

Again, thanks for posting and I'm sure your experience will help others on this forum.

[grampa carl]

Welcome to the forums. This is a great place to learn. As someone who's done suicide and crisis work, it's good to see LEOs talking about this subject. That's the first step to healing. Good luck and God Bless.

[Photogrrlz]

Welcome aboard and happy posting....

[elvisray0]

I know your site well. It snuck up on me before I could realize what was happening. I started reliving horrible calls in my mind, and would stare off, as my friends would tell me. I started having very severe nightmares, that seemed real. I started not caring what happened to me on the street. I quit wearing my vest. The nightmares were keeping me awake, and I would find solace in drinking. I drank everyday, and thought more and more about ending it. Still, I told no one. Then I started having severe flashbacks of being shot at, or seeing a suicide, and would draw down on my family! Still, I told no one at work, because I didn't want to be looked at as being weak. Finally, I got drunk as my buddy did(He shot himself in front of his family), loaded my service weapon, and held it to my temple. I prepared to pull the trigger, and wasn't drunk enough. I had to get drunker, so I drank more. I had made my mind to end it all, but I needed to be more drunker. By this time, my wife had woke up, and came into the living room, and grabbed my weapon from beside me, and called two of my fellow officers. They came and talked to me, and took my weapon. The next night, a Lieutenant came out to my house, and put me on administrative leave. I went through a Two month treatment for DEPRESSION. That was my diagnosis. I was put back on the street. Years later(still going through all the stuff), after taking on a crooked administration, and standing up for some officers who were done wrong, they fired me for insubornination, and Conduct Unbecoming of an Officer. A month later, my wife forced me to go to an independent Psychologist, which I did. I was automatically Diagnosed with PTSD, and it was explained how alot of officers are diagnosed with DEPRESSION, instead of PTSD. Also, PTSD can attack you years later after an incident. It can be 5, 10, 15 years down the road. Then again, it can hit immediately. Now, I see Two Doctors. The Psychologist twice a week, and an MD once a month. I still have flashbacks, and sometimes "hullucinate" by seeing corpses that I have dealt with in Car accidents, suicides, etc....They're very brief. I'm taking about Ten meds a day, which are helping some. I'm very paranoid, and trust no one. This life is horrible.

[samnlexisdad]

Believe it or not. I worked for a department where an officer shot and killed an armed man that had just just shot a woman and was firely aimlessly around a neihborhood. He was really having trouble dealing with it and quit the department. About 2 weeks later he was arrested by the same Lieutenant who was at the shooting with him for DUI. I thought it was BS. Instead of helping him deal with it and hopefully get back on the street, they arrest him. What a joke. Thats why alot of the officers wouldnt ask for help there. They were afraid of being the "weak link".

[grampa carl]

Cops see things that no human should have to see. Cops do things that no human should have to do. Shooting someone, even a scum-bag, is an unnatural act. Dealing with a lot of violence (victim and perp) and the bottom-feeders of society, handling the responsibility of trying to keep your community safe, the legal/moral/ethical pressures of maintaining order and enforcing the law, sometimes from behind a firearm, knowing all along that you will be faulted by the 'outraged citizens' no matter what you do. And most of all, wanting to go home each night to your family. It's only natural that your mind is gonna react to all that. Some people can handle that without much problem. Others are able to channal their feelings through hunting, or watching NASCAR or posting on websites. Some do suffer deep emotional problems. It's not a weakness, it's just human.

Elvisray0, ten meds sounds excessive to me. You might want a second opinion.

[Operator13]

Welcome to the site.

I admire your honesty & openness , Respect, Dante

[pkagel]

Thanks for your story Elvis. I hope with time you will heal and I'll be praying for you. FWIW, the Tears site isn't mine, I just have a link to it from my site. My site is http://groups.yahoo.com/group/CABasicPolice/

I know your site well. .

[elvisray0]

Thank All of You. I just want you all to be aware of it. As I said, every 24 hours, a police officer takes his/her life. If this can save one cop, then it's worth it.