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View Full Version : Are you dating/married to a cop?



civilian101
11-09-2004, 01:41 PM
I've been reading some books recently about being married to LEO and how it is (shift changes, demands of OT from coworkers, stress/trauma brought on by police work)so hard and different.
I'm dating a cop now and it is different than dating a 9-5'er. I think a great number of the "beefs" I have had with him are due to his job and I'm interested to find out if other women out there have had similar experiences when dating/married to a cop. Does your SO need a great deal of time to themselves, do they bite off more than they can chew in their professional/personal lives? Does it take them longer to sort through their feelings about things (personal) due to all the other demands put upon them? There are other things I have questions about, but let's start here.
Thanks

CPDLissa
11-09-2004, 05:02 PM
I have both dated and been friends with several officers, and it is a lot different than dating a civi. In all honesty, most officers I know have a hard time making and keeping committments, of all types. Some are worse liars than the criminals they arrest. However, if you find a good guy, they can be the best. There are a lot of challenges, but if you put the effort into it, it can work. The hours, and risk that each day they may not come home is hard to take, and puts a real strain on the relationship, but it can be overcome.

Just stick with it, if you love him, and talk to him about how you feel. Reassure him that he can talk to you if times get bad and he needs to vent. Be there for him.

civilian101
11-09-2004, 05:11 PM
I started dating this guy (who I dated when I was in my early 20s like 10+ years ago) recently. When I knew him he was this kind of geeky, sweet guy. He always wanted to become a cop. I stopped dating him right around the time he became a cop. I didn't keep in contact with him during those 10+ years and I see some of who he was then, now. But he's harder and seems more introspective and less happy go lucky. It just seems he spends a lot of time alone and is kind of closed off from the world. He's still sweet, but I wouldn't say happy go lucky. I think he thinks life is really painful (and it is, don't get me wrong) but I try my hardest to be an eternal optimist and keep a positive outlook. I am beginning to realize that the changes I am seeing might have been caused caused by the past decade on the force. He is a cop in a department that's in a violet city on the West Coast. I can only imagine what he sees. I jsut feel like I could bring some levity, joy a loyal friendship to his life and I hope he'll accept it... and soften up a bit (as I type that last part, I realize that softening, might not be good for his job/safety). It's pretty complex.....

CPDLissa
11-09-2004, 05:23 PM
it is most likely his job and the things he's seen in the last 10 yrs that have changed him. There are a lot of officers who go into the job thinking nothing much will change except their bank accounts, but it does. Everything they see affects them. We have psychologists on staff to help our officers, but I don't think a lot of them use the 'shrinks' b/c they feel the shrink won't understand. A lot of the time, they seem to feel guilt if they lay their problems on others. Make sure he knows it's ok.

I'm a tech (911 Dispatcher), and my ex-fiance is a gang violence officer at the community college downtown. He resents the fact that I work for the big city, and he never would be able to b/c he does have a few questionable things on his record. However, although the college doesn't see a lot of violence, he has changed slightly since working there. However, he is still the *** he was when I broke it off. If your friend ever turns into an ***, let him know. If he's really a sweetie though, I don't think you'll have that problem.

One thing to warn of, don't get to upset if he sometimes does lash out verbally at you. Sometimes when things become more than they can take, they lash out at those they feel closest to.

Just reassure him. As time goes on he will be more cynical of the world and those around him. He will be less outgoing, and less "Happy go lucky", but this is only a result of the cruel reality those in law enforcement face. I'm only 3 months into my job, and have known several officers for several years, but sometimes I sit and think "I wish I could go back to my blissful state of Ignorance I was in. I wish I still had the blinders on and didn't see the 'REAL WORLD'".

civilian101
11-09-2004, 06:00 PM
Would you mind if I IM'd you? I'd prefer to not put all my personal stuff on here. What do you think?

CPDLissa
11-10-2004, 05:42 PM
That's fine, if I'm online, or you can email me, and I'll get back to you. LissaAngel1026@aol

civilian101
11-10-2004, 07:33 PM
Steph- I would be interested in knowing specifics...He said he probably wouldn't date another cop- too close to home apparently. It's all very interesting.
Thanks in advance

Delta784
11-11-2004, 02:16 AM
Not long after I got on the job, I dated a female cop from another agency. I figured that she'd understand me better, being on the job and all.

BOY, was that a huge mistake!! Because she was around cops all the time, she saw the shenanigans that went on, and became convinced that I was cheating on her (I wasn't). When I told her I didn't want to see her anymore, she was reaching for her gun and raining down profanities on me, as I ran out of her apartment. :eek:

When my wife & I were dating, I got her into the Citizen's Police Academy, which gave her at least a base understanding of the job. I think it really helped a lot.

Trixie
11-17-2004, 12:59 PM
I have seen a big attraction between law enforcement and EMS, fire or ER personnell. They hook up a lot but I don't see many of them last. I think their personalities draw them together but end up tearing them apart. There's too much stress in each field to make home life work.

kttref
11-17-2004, 05:13 PM
I'm married to an officer and am trying to become one myself.

I see a lot of cop/teacher and cop/nurse couples really making it work!

civilian101
11-17-2004, 08:13 PM
What is it about cop/nurse cop/teacher couples that make it work? Is it that they're both in a service industry, or is it a coincidence?

JRLACKEY
11-18-2004, 04:01 AM
Well okay I am married to a cop, I was a cop, now a dispatcher.
I have found in my years of being around and dating cops that the job does something to them (not all cops but at least the ones I know). They become cynical, hard, untrusting and generally disgusted with mankind. They deal with a load of crap everyday, day in and day out. Not only from the people on the street but from other officers and bosses. My husband basically has no feelings that he cares to show anymore. When someone we knew killed herself he didn't care and basically said oh well shes going to hell anyway (I feel for her kids not her) Now I don't know if it is him and he is just emotionally stunted but the other officer I was really close with needs anti depressants to get out of bed.
Stay strong, love him no matter what. If he wants to talk he will. Yes they like to be alone or with other officers (we have no civi friends or really any cop friends)
If you can take a course or academy or go on ride alongs and see what he deals with. Cops see people at their absolute worst and see the worst people at their absolute best:p
Good Luck

kttref
11-18-2004, 10:29 AM
Originally posted by civilian101
What is it about cop/nurse cop/teacher couples that make it work? Is it that they're both in a service industry, or is it a coincidence?

Honestly I'm not too sure. But I see those couples working the best. It may be that they're both in a "helping/rescuer" position...or it could be (especially with nurses) the hours/shifts...who knows. My best guess...it's just a coincidence.

jonb83
11-18-2004, 11:12 PM
Originally posted by kttref
I'm married to an officer and am trying to become one myself.

I see a lot of cop/teacher and cop/nurse couples really making it work!
Me and the girl I'm dating are in college now. I'm in school to be a cop and shes in school for nursing.

My friend who is a memeber of the Capitol police is engaged to a teacher who he met back in college.

Azzuri
11-27-2004, 11:24 PM
Originally posted by civilian101
I started dating this guy (who I dated when I was in my early 20s like 10+ years ago) recently. When I knew him he was this kind of geeky, sweet guy. He always wanted to become a cop. I stopped dating him right around the time he became a cop. I didn't keep in contact with him during those 10+ years and I see some of who he was then, now. But he's harder and seems more introspective and less happy go lucky. It just seems he spends a lot of time alone and is kind of closed off from the world. He's still sweet, but I wouldn't say happy go lucky. I think he thinks life is really painful (and it is, don't get me wrong) but I try my hardest to be an eternal optimist and keep a positive outlook. I am beginning to realize that the changes I am seeing might have been caused caused by the past decade on the force. He is a cop in a department that's in a violet city on the West Coast. I can only imagine what he sees. I jsut feel like I could bring some levity, joy a loyal friendship to his life and I hope he'll accept it... and soften up a bit (as I type that last part, I realize that softening, might not be good for his job/safety). It's pretty complex.....

Yes, it is complex. But if you really do care for your friend, then show him heartfelt care, patience & love. These things are so rare in many of our lives, he will have no choice but to respond & will come around eventually.
It has been working for me, after 10+ yrs in the job and many broken relationships I have recently found a girl who understands at least a little of what I am.
Good wishes & peace to you & your friend.

civilian101
11-28-2004, 01:45 AM
Azzuri- I wish it were that simple. Unfortunatley, we're not dating anymore. I tried my hardest to be there for him and I have told him over and over again that he can talk to me, but I don't think he's in a place to hear it- or something. I'm not sure what the problem is actually. I've left the door open though (even though I'm trying to move on) and can only hope that he will (sooner rather than later) walk through it.
:(

Cobracandy
11-28-2004, 02:39 PM
This thread is alot of what I have been thinking about between my b/f and I. His dad is chief of the town I am applying for. He has been w/ the same dept for 40 years. He is an awesome person. I am amazed at all the things he has seen and still can go out and have a good time w/ his family. My b/f younger brother just became a police officer a few months ago and loves the job and the action so far. The town we are in is kinda rough. Lots of gangs. Quite a few murders. I am testing in Jan for the same dept and I just didnt know what my b/f would really think. He at first said he would be worried. Then he said he would be proud of me if I made it on. He has a semi regular 9-5 job and has never really shown interest in the PD. Im not sure how much or if any this will stress our relationship.

OfcTourettes
11-28-2004, 05:00 PM
My ex-wife was married to one. ;)

For us the job wasn't the problem, it was getting together at age 19. At age 39 we both realized that we had grown into different people and have gone our seperate ways.

Cops are not good marraige prospects, IMHO.

ecpd170
11-29-2004, 10:10 PM
I have been a leo in a real S*&# area for a few years now and I was about to get married when she decided 2 months before that she couldn

Delta784
12-01-2004, 01:26 PM
Originally posted by civilian101
What is it about cop/nurse cop/teacher couples that make it work? Is it that they're both in a service industry, or is it a coincidence?

Cops and nurses are both bitter & cynical. Not sure about teachers.

mayesdeputy
12-05-2004, 06:47 AM
I have been a LEO for 3 yrs ,been married for 2yrs. The main thing my wife does is not bring the job into the house. The last thing I want to do is deal with in my home is the same stuff I dealt with at work. I work midnights most of the time and I try to go straight to bed so I deal better with my family when I wake up. On dayshift I need an hour or so to get my mind off my workday. (internet is a major plus in this).

Batman21
12-05-2004, 08:24 AM
Cops and nurses work because(to use the movie cliche) He(or she) is always sending the other person work LoL.

I would think that it would be shifts. Those 12's can be hard on anyone and Like someone else posted they are both helping the comunity.

crow84
12-07-2004, 03:10 PM
I use to date a deputy and at the time I hated it. But now that we have gone our separate ways and I'm in school to become a cop, I kinda miss it. Like my teacher says, "it's a cop thing, you'll never understand." Cops have a way of thinking that most people don't understand. When I was dating my ex, I found out that the divorce rates for cops are extremely high and I can understand why. He worked graveyard and I hardly ever saw him. I remember holding my breath every morning while watching the news to see if a cop had been killed the night before. At the time I didn't understand his way of thinking and I didn't understand why it was that I only saw him for a couple hours a week. Now that I'm studying law enforcement and there is a few hundred miles between him and I, I now understand. We actually have a better relationship now then when we were dating.

civilian101
12-10-2004, 02:16 PM
[QUOTE]Originally posted by crow84
Cops have a way of thinking that most people don't understand.


Can you TRY to explain what you mean by this? Perhaps by way of example? I'm interested to see what you mean.
Thanks

kidscop
12-18-2004, 10:30 PM
I have been an officer for 5 years, the last year and a half as a detective and in a relationship for the last 3 years. I know for me the main issues have been time together, she's not a cop. Prior to my relationship, I associated mostly with officers. I felt safe and didn't have to worry about the company I was keeping. Now I have a few people from work with whom I associate. I don't want all of my life to be work. I see alot of bad things on a regular basis, more than when I was in patrol. I left patrol because I wanted to know what happened with the children involved after I left. Now I know! I work mostly child abuse and sex abuse cases and have lots of nightmares. It takes effort for me to not think about work. I get really down on society and confused about how people can be so horrible to someone so helpless. In the past I have expected my girlfriend to work around my schedule, I work nights. Before she started college that wasn't an issue b/c of her schedule. Now I have to realize that she has a life outside of our relationship and she is a very social person. She is there when I need her the most emotionally. She is very comforting and doesn't try to understand what I deal with because she knows that she can't. She just listens and tries to help me enjoy life and remember the fun things.
I know part of the problem on her end has been that I don't talk. I have a bad communication problem and hate to argue. I deal with conflict at work and don't want to at home. I don't trust people right off the bat like most do. Anyway, just my 2 cents worth.

Good Luck!

Cop Writer
12-19-2004, 01:28 AM
Hey, 101 and Lisa...you want an honest answer??? The ol' Cop Writer don't pull no punches, so here it goes...

First off, for all the a-holes who tend to like to slam me, I am not attempting to say that your PARTICULAR situation is in any way inferior or a sham...

With that being said...for the ladies (and some guys) out there...

Worst thing in LE is for a cop to marry his highschool sweety with no concept of what this job entails. That is a ONEWAY ticket to divorce court.

A relationship has to develop WITHIN and with an EXCELLENT understanding of the job. Don't drag someone else into your life and expect them to understand the "police lifestyle". It takes a HELL OF A COMMITMENT. It took a long FN time for my wife to understand the lifestyle, but she was with me from academy to where I am today. She still doesn't like it, and she sure as hell ain't a "cop's wife" (a role a lot of guys try to force their wives into). She hates police work. I respect that. It's a job/lifestyle I WILL NOT FORCE ON HER!

For all you non-believers and to expose all the sham-builders...

DATE ANOTHER COP...IT WON"T EVER WORK!!!

Yes, cops fall for nurses...I don't know why, but I'm still (10+ years later) trying to figure this one out.

I say, love the one you got and do what you can to make her understand. Her level of intelligence will shine through. She'll either accept you and THE JOB or she won't....

Delta784
12-19-2004, 04:56 PM
Originally posted by civilian101
Can you TRY to explain what you mean by this? Perhaps by way of example? I'm interested to see what you mean.
Thanks

Because we deal with society's worst every day, and because the media has a hair-trigger to blame us for nearly everything, we tend to not trust and be very suspicious of people that don't wear a badge.

The symptoms of this can glaringly obvious (being completely unemotional when faced with tragedy) or subtle. For example, when my wife & I are in a restaurant, I HAVE to sit facing the door. When she's talking to me, I'm listening, but I'm also constantly scanning the room. This used to aggravate her to no end, but she's gotten used to it.

I really wouldn't recommend that anyone marry someone who wants to be a cop. If they do get the job, they will be a completely different person in 3-5 years.

OfcTourettes
12-19-2004, 05:54 PM
The job absolutlely changes people. It changed both my ex-wife and myself. I am a street cop, she is a crime scene specialist.
We lost touch, grew apart and finally got divorced.
We are still good friends.

I am dating another non-commissioned employee now. Didn't really plan to, but when the love bug bites, ya gotta go with it.
She's the most wonderful woman in the world, BTW. :D
She knows me as the man I am now, not as the man I was over 13 years ago. She has seen me have my "Tourettes" moments at work, but sees beyond that and accepts me for who I am.

I was married at 19 and divorced at 40. Neither my ex or I are remotely the same person we were when we met or when we joined the dept.
People change with age and when you are a cop, you change more than you can imagine.

I am confident that now that I am 40ish that I won't change much more due to the job and I won't screw up another relationship because the influences the job has on me.

My point is that we change from our 20's self, no matter what job we have.
Marrying a cop adds in changes that are far beyond the norm and that's why the divorce rate is so high in police circles.

Ok, I'm done rambling. :)

Meathead
12-27-2004, 03:16 PM
I dated a guy for 3 1/2 years who knew that I had full intentions of becoming a police officer. Then I got hired by the sheriff's department. Yeah that understanding guy disapeared.
He just didn't "get it" I'm not really sure what "it" is but he didn't get "it"
He would see something that involved the police on TV and then have something to say about how wrong the police were. For example= A guy made the decision to run from the police on a motorcycle. He ended up crashing into a tree and thus taking his own life. This caused a riot in the town where it happened.
So, the boyfriend informs me that the police had no business chasing this man. He also went on to inform me that it was the law enforcement agencies fault that this man died becuase they had no reason to chase him just becuase he ran from the officer.
How do you figure and where do you get your reasoning from?

Then, I went to a hanging suicide for a kid that I knew. I watched him get cut down ect and so on. Needless to say, that bothered me for a long time. He couldn't figure out why it bothered me.
It was stuff like that. And then he would make comment after comment and it drove me NUTS!! The job does change you. In a lot of ways it made me angry and I looked angry. I had no one to talk to and no way of releasing what was built up.

So after awhile I just didn't even feel like I could talk to him about anything. Then he would get mad becuase I bottled it up and kept it to myself. If I told him then he would put some twist on it that made no sense. I went on and had another life without him until I finally moved out.

He didn't understand me. He also couldn't handle the fact that I worked in a make dominated field and that most of my friends were male. Sorry honey, but there aren't a lot of female offiers to pal around and joke with. And in this line of work you can't really afford NOT to be close to the people that you work with. He didn't get it. I wasn't allowed to go out after work, to parties nothing. He was invited but he wouldn't go. And if he did meet one of the guys he was so crappy to him that I would end up embarassed. Then people started talking about "Why it was that I was with this clown"
It got to the point where my personal life made it across police dispatch and that was it. There's nothing funner than calling your captain to tell them that your crazy ex is planning to call in and say I stole their car ( even though it was my car <-- another story)

You DON'T want that stuff to go to work with you!

I ended up getting married to an officer from another department. We understand each other completly. I don't have to ask him what's bothering him becuase I already know. I can listen to him talk about the stuff that he saw, or the stuff that's going on and I understand. He does the same for me. We have the greatest relationship that I have ever known.
I just don't think I could have ever been with someone who wasn't involved in law enforcement somehow.

Glockgirl26
12-29-2004, 12:46 PM
My SO and I are both LE. It helps us understand each other in some ways. We met in the Academy so there were no unrealistic expectations from each other, we knew from the start that we'd both be involved in LE. I'd been working Corrections for my county for 3
years before I even enrolled in the Academy, so he has never known me as anything but LE. OTOH, we are both familiar with the hazards of the job and how fast the SHTF, so we do worry about each other. But it's not one-sided, we accept it of each other just as we accept it of ourselves.

HANDLETHAT
01-05-2005, 07:02 PM
Yeah, I totally agree. Leave work at work, and home at home. I don't know how it is to be married or in deep relationship with a Cop. But I am married to a military man, it is some time difficult. Yet, I'm getting ready to become a Cop, so we'll just see.

Strutter
01-06-2005, 08:28 PM
My new husband and I are both LEO and like the person who posted above, we haven't known each other in any other way. We understand each other without saying a word.
I don't think that I could be with someone who wasn't an LEO. I have found it difficult to have any thing in common with people on the "outside" Either they are waaaaay to into the whole woman in uniform thing or they are too freaked out about it.

Ugh- It's good to finally meet in the middle!

The only thing we get ****y with each other about is all the overtime he works and other small related things, but we work it out and it's the best relationship I have ever been in!!

mjhdt07
01-11-2005, 09:59 PM
I started dating my husband 2 months after he had graduated the Academy in LAPD in July 2003, we started dating September. We married this past October and so far so good! I have a guy who has a sensetive side anyways so maybe it helps but like any guy sometimes he can be clueless so when somethings bothering me I HAVE to speak up! Thats important. The book " I love a cop" is great and he should read it too.

The only change I've seen is in traffic which he hates anyways but now it just REALLY bugs him as a cop because he can spot all the violations .

We have odd schedules and I love it, we don't have kids though so it might change later=)

Right now I leave for work in the am, he went to sleep at 5 am, then he goes to work in the afternoon ebfore I get home so I get about 3 evenings and one or 2 weekends to myself which I love because I spend those times with my girlfriends, at the library, horse back riding or just not having to "entertain" my new husband and can plop down and read a book and eat cereal for dinner!

I will HATE it when his schedule changes! I do also LOVE the time I do have with him but I think the time to myself once inawhile os great. ( He's on vacation now...I make a friend take him out once a week=)

He has become a bit "harder" at times I think but he's still a teddy bear.

There's alot more I could tell you if you want to email me at mjhdt07@yahoo.com

Gotta go now=) Good luck.