What should I do?

[Mitzi]

My brother will be at Christmas this year at my parents. Only problem is, it's the first time anyone has seen him in 20 years. It has to do with the fact my mother has never accepted his wife.
My mother was driving me crazy about sending them a Christmas card and she wants me to buy also. I told her I thought that sounded a little phony and that she should just leave everyone alone and let us find our own footing.
Now, I found out thet she has sent a card in my name and I am really ticked about it. But, she is 73 and I don't want to upset her. I think she probably bought gifts to give in my name too.
I called her and told her I was very upset, that she had no right to send a card and sign my name and my husband's name to it. She said she just thought it would "help you all on Christmas Day." I might add that manipulation is a way of life with my mother. I have only just begun to see them a little more often because they are elderly now. But, she hasn't changed a bit. We can never just go and have a good time because Mother is always presenting some sort of a problem. We never know what she is going to pull next.
What would you do?

[Jim Burnes]

Mitzi,

You do nothing about your Mom, meet your brother and his wife and enjoy getting to know them again.

Don't even mention Christmas cards or little gifts your Mom may have bought in your name...

At 73 your Mom is not changing, so you must.

Besides, a Mother deserves respect because she is a Mother of a family. That is paramount, the drama she creates or the style she lives with is only secondary.

And, if you get too wound up, just think about these twisted folks of officer.com, now picture them in their underwear (disgusting ennit?)

Jim Burnes

[Mitzi]

I agree that Mother's deserve respect but you don't have MY mother, Jim. Mother is manic depressive and emotionally abusive. I had a very sad childhood because I was the target for all her emotional and verbal abuse. She's very lucky I even agree to be around her.
My brother actually moved from place to place because my mother kept finding them. He stepped outside one time to see my mother trying to take his children.
I feel sorry for my mother because she has such terrible emotional problems. But, she can be very cruel and manipilative. She's capable of a lot and I never see it coming. We can have a nice family get together then I will be accused of stealing from her. She told all my reletives I steal, a barefaced lie. I finally figured this out when everyone would follow me around in their homes.
I had nothing to do with her for a long time out of self-preservation. It's only because I'm older and can deal with it now that she even sees me and her grandson.
She's my mother, yes, but a most difficult one.

[Jim Burnes]

Seems that everyone has a relative they love, but only at a safe distance!

It appears to me you could have easily followed her example and become a person who is unhappy and unreasonable, instead, you have broken that cycle by living your life as you have. Good for you.

Now good things are happening, and I include your son in that thought also. He is living as full a life as is possible, is running you crazy as any good son does :cool: and is a testament to your family values.

Your cup is running over Mitzi ;)

Jim Burnes

[Mike Tx]

Mitzi, my mother is an ******* too. I try to avoid her.

[SGT Dave]

Posted by Burnes:
And, if you get too wound up, just think about these twisted folks of officer.com, now picture them in their underwear (disgusting ennit?)

Yeah, Mitz, just think of me wearing nothing but my my trademark sequin thong.

I'll go ahead and pop those &$%*@$# "under vest" zits now for you too, since it's a holiday and all, and there might be someone taking pictures.

:D

(See, now your mom really isn't that big of a deal is she? It's all relative.)

[sabreena]

Mitzie, I don't see what damage a card could do-- besides they will know it's from her anyway, right because of the handwriting?

May I ask what did your brother's wife do to not be accepted?

[klar]

I am one with you in a way Mitzi if this was done by mother and a card was sent or presents bought in my name without my approval then I would not show my face at any family gathering again. I am very much my own person and if someone does me wrong I will let them know i am unhappy and will do all I can to avoid that person. Right now my sister is on my **** list and I will not invite her to my house, I will not participate in a family funtion where she has been invited and I make all efforts to not see her at all. I can be very spitful when it comes to doing me wrong.

I would tell my mom that I do not appriate her interferring in anything that has to do with me and my sibblings. If my mother had called me a thief and told all my relatives that I was one then I would tell my mother that it was good to know her and that I hope she has a nice life because she would not see or hear from me again.

Klar

[Mitzi]

My sister-in-law did nothing to not be accepted. She would have been accepted if it was up to the rest of the family. But, my mother hated her from day one because she married her precious son. She is scared to death of my mother. We have tried to get them to come see u but they will take NO phone calls because my sister-in-law is just too afraid of my mother. I have no doubt they will either not show up this Christmas or leave after a short time.
She stays away from everyone because of my mother. I don't hate my sister-in-law. But, she prefers to know none of us rather then risk having to run into my mother.
And it wasn't the card, Sabrena....It was the fact I didn't want to give my sister-in-law one. I had not seen or spoken to her in over 5 years. I prefered for us all just to sit and chat and get to know each other again. Sending her a Christmas card after all those years seemed phony to me. I had never senther a card before and felt too out of place doing so.
And yes, Sgt.Dave IS twisted! lol
Yes, Jim, I did reject the values I grew up with. My husband, son and I are very close. And I am very close to my neices and nephews. But not my twin sister. She is just like my mother.
My life is very very different from my families...It's warmer, more fun and not AT ALL like it was when I was growing up. My son tells me he had the best childhood ever and that makes me feel great.

[ 12-19-2001: Message edited by: Mitzi ]

[ 12-19-2001: Message edited by: Mitzi ]

[Naomi]

If I was you, Mitzi......

I'd tell my brother and sister-in-law who really sent the card and present. I'd make a joke of creating a secret signature for all our correspondence, so they know what's really from me.

I'd try to spend time alone with the two of them, away from mom's house. Take them out for dinner or something. I'd tell my sister-in-law some funny mother-daughter war stories and let her know I don't share my mother's dislike for her.

Mitzi, I wouldn't let my mother bend my will at any age. As Mother Theresa once said, kindness without justice is not kindness at all.

[Joseph]

Mitzi, I had one answer to your first letter than it changed after reading your second letter. I think I'd get alone with your brother and sister-in -law and explain where the card and the gifts came from. If your sister-in - in law has been blacked balled from the family this long and it's been 20 years since your brother has been there I'd try to make the best of it for one day. Good luck and Merry Christmas.

[Stone]

Mitzi, good luck, sounds like you have a real pain for a family...

My advice, if you want to mend the relationship with your brother and his wife, tell the truth and work things out between you two...
If you don't want to yet, just play dumb and avoid them.

For your Mom, I dont know what to suggest for you at this point, if she was my mom I would have given her an earfull years ago and broke ties. Just my way of dealing with habitual bulls#it.

[Mitzi]

My brother did not show up for Christmas. It did not surprise me.
My parents are now 73 and 80. My mother has begged me not to contact my brother cause he will just blame her. I think it is just another control thing. She has probably told my brother something else. As much as she wants her kids around her, she does want us around each other because we will *talk about her*.
The fact remains she won't change. I saw her yesterday and it upset me to see how elderly and confused she is.
At the same time, I'm not sure I want to contact my brother. He has many of the same problems my parents has. He never got therapy as I did.
He knows where I live. I just muct worry now about my parents health.

[ 12-26-2001: Message edited by: Mitzi ]

[7514]

mitzi, i think you should contact your brother and make peace. there is nothing stronger than the family bond. it won't kill you to call and wish him a safe and happy new year. who knows it might be the begining of a brand new relationship for the two of you and even for your mother.

good luck and stay safe out there. :)

[Mitzi]

I have no way of getting in touch with him. My Mother is the onkly one that knows how and she won't give it up. When i look back now on how manipulated we were and still are, it sure does make me angry. And it was all so weird.
Moher wanted me to be close to my sister and brother but only in her prescence. If she found out I had been to see my sister without telling her, she'd get livid and accuse us of talking about her.
It really was and is a very sick situation. At least I'm not like her and I actually feel sorry for her now. She has been this way all of her 73 years and is the unhappiest person I know.

[Don]

Mitzi, check your PM.