I don't know what to do...

[shooter1201]

First off, I debated a LONG time about posting this. I've always tended to keep personal problems bottled up inside me. I mean, we cops are supposed to be 'tough', right...?

My wife and I will have been married 20 years in May. We met in college and dated for 3 years before getting married. Everything began GREAT and before long, we had a beautiful baby daughter. I'm...was...the classic 'romantic': flowers, jewelry, candles and bubblebaths kinda guy. I admit to 'wearing my heart on my sleeve.'

Fast foward to the present:

My wife suffers from chronic migraines. I don't ask her 'IF' she has one when she gets up...I ask her 'How bad is it?' She has migraines 24/7, and HAS had them for as long as I've known her....they have just been getting progressively worse over the past 8-10 years.

She has tried every 'miracle cure and wonder drug' that has made the headlines over the years, finding only temporary relief. 'Hydros' are like aspirin to her. She even went so far as to have a hysterectomy 2 years ago, in a failed attempt to provide some relief(her doctor convinced her that her migraines were related to the onset of early menopause). We have an appointment at the UT Vanderbilt Headache Clinic next Thursday. It's taken 6 years to get a doctor to set up such an appointment.

She is on so many meds now, and has so many mood swings(med-induced?), I'm going crazy. Most of the time, she can't stand for me to touch her. She's lost all interest in anything to do with romance. Now, BEFORE you make me out to be a total jerk...

I KNOW she's in pain. I've witnessed it daily over the past 23 years. I've TRIED to be strong and understanding. I love her.

But...

When I try talking to her about MY feelings and what is happening to me, I always end up feeling so damned selfish. I've suggested counseling. THAT was a BIG step for me. However, she has a degree in Psychology and is working on a Masters in Counseling, so...you can probably GUESS how far that idea went.

There are times that my hands literally ache to hold her....and when I come up behind her, putting my arms around her, she pulls away. I can't remember the last time she willingly let me kiss her. *I* have gone to sleep at night with tears in my eyes out of frustration. Hell, I have them NOW.

This has gotten to the point to where *I* don't know WHAT to do. It's affecting MY job(s). I find myself 'working over' on shifts, staying late at school, etc, because I HATE going home. I almost have myself convinced that if not for our daughter AND my parents, I'd leave. But that isn't me....

Ideas, anyone...please?

[Mitzi]

Shooter, have you explained how you feel to HER? She's going through a very rough timne right now and so are you. My answer to everthing has always been the Mayo Clinic because they helped our son when no one else could.
It doesn't matter what degree your wife has, she should be concerend how this is affecting you. You are not being selfish telling her.
It she won't go talk to someone, you go to someone. But, you really do have to tell her how you feel because you can't go on this way much longer.
It might help if you go to a counselor to help you through this. I have had migranes before and you literally can't think of anything else when you have one. But, she should never lose sight of her marriage either.
PM me if you want to talk.

[DesertRat]

PM me man. My life is not to your extreme yet but it's a carbon copy on certain days. We still have "good days" thrown in thank God.

[SGT Dave]

BTDT Brother.

Other than that, I'll PM you later when I have more time to compose a decent message.

You're not selfish, though.

[Mitzi]

Marriage certainly isn't easy. It takes a lot of work and you have to be very strong to make it work. We have 31 years behind us and it has NOT been easy. Sometimes, I wonder why he is still here cause I can be something else to live with when I want to be. But he says the same thing about himself.
We are just about the only ones still married from our college days. And we certainly have had to work hard to stay together, like I said. It was worth it. We have such a history together. We have known each other since we were 15.
But, there were times I thought we might not make it, believe. It took prayer and understanding and therapy AND realizing things were not going to be perfect. And even tho we have been married 31 years, I am not so naive to think it couldn't still happen.
Hang in there, shooter. And PM me anytime you want.

[Jim Burnes]

You're doing good just by venting here. Understand, you can carry her, she's your wife. I'll send a PM your way today.

Jim Burnes

[Dinosaur]

I'm gonna go out on a limb here Shooter. If your wife has been sick for 23 years and really sick for the past 8-10, I gotta give you credit for hanging in there. I can't help but think, though, that the issue is much more complex than it appears on the surface.

Your heartfelt post deserves more than saccharine platitudes. You both have a problem. You're both focusing on the "migraines" as the source of the problem. I suspect the headaches are a symptom. I'd suggest you give this some serious thought.

I feel for ya!

[Blonde Heat]

Whew this a tough one. I feel for you Shooter1201, You have incredible courage to even face this problem head on. Most would have given up long ago. :(

I would sit down with my spouse and explain how i feel. Ask how she feels and go from there. Ask her what she thinks you should do. And what you can do for her, to make her difficulties better.

BTW, I did have a hysterectomy at the age of 24 and it actually helped the migraines. But it might also be why she shys away from you. Speaking from experience, the pleasure part sorta disappears. I know that for some women there is a herbal remedy like evening primrose oil that helps tremendously. Or even some soy products. One problem with the hysterectomy is, its instant menopause and your body gets all messed up instead of gradually easing into it. for some women this is difficult. She need to find a group of women that have gone thru this so they can offer advice and remedies to help ease the trauma. My prayers are with you and i hope it helps a little. :)

[Naomi]

I don't think you're being selfish. We're social beings; we need love to survive.

I've heard that migraines can be set off by chocolate, alcohol, coffee, salt, milk, mustard, lunch meat, MSG, aged cheese, nuts, smoking, stress, perfume, lack of exercise, and lack of sleep. I bet eating fruits and vegetables instead could lessen the pain.

Your wife's lack of desire may be related to a drop in female hormones since her hysterectomy. She might want to give artificial estrogen and progesterone a try.

Counseling seems like a good idea. She's trained in it, but there is that saying about the cobbler's family going shoeless.

[shooter1201]

We know all about those 'triggers'.....only MSG seems to having any negative influences on her. She's taking hormone therapy...has been for 2 years.

Counseling? I don't EVEN 'go there' any more....

[Mitzi]

Shooter, if she won't go, then you go. It helps to talk to someone. It does sound like a hormonal imbalance, even if she is on hormones. Somehow, you must get through to her how much this is upsetting you before things get worse.

[Piper]

Dear Shooter,

First and foremost, I want to tell you that you are not selfish. You feelings and emotions are just as valid as your wifes.

Communication is so important in times like these, I would gently continue to tell her your need to talk about things and wanting to go to counseling.

In my current profession, I work in counseling as I apply to my local PD, if you would like to talk more offlist, I'd be more than happy offer more suggestions or just listen.

Peace to you,
Piper

[Snoopy1]

It must be a devastating feeling to constantly be in pain. Often it is as hard on family members as it is for the patient.

I hope someone finds something that will help her soon and I also hope when that time comes she realizes how lucky she has been to have you standing by her. Real commitment and loyalty are qualities that are often missing today. So many people look for a quick, easy solution and when they don't find it they leave.

I will pray for strength and wisdom to see you through this ordeal.

[Mitzi]

My husband stuck with me through some pretty bad times. By the time I was myself again, I can't tell you how much it meant that he was, and is, still here. I don't know what I'd do without him. Lesser men would have left.