Parent with cancer question

[Blonde Heat]

Over the holidays my mom was diagnosed with cancer that has spread. She wants no pity and does not want me to tell even one family member. My question is, Would you tell and whom. I have honored her wishes so far but most of the family knows she is in the hospital but not the complete reason. And my aunt called me a coward for not just telling her despite my moms wishes. What do i do? Need help from the E-Family??? :(

[Mitzi]

Your aunt was out of line. Honor your mothers wishes. If others can't understand that, that's their problem. YOu just tell them she asked you not to share that informations with them.
Talk to your Mother and see if she still does not want you to tell.
Don't worry about what everyone else thinks. Just be concerned about your Mother. If the rest of the family gets mad, tough noogies.

[DesertRat]

I'm assuming from the wording of your post we are talking non-operable, non-treatable? Talk to your Mother and find out what her reasons are. Depending on your family relationships, it is not fair to the others. Also, depending on the type of cancer she has, her condition can change quickly making communication difficult in the near future. We were told at the time of my Mother's passing that she was the longest known survivor of squamous cell carcinoma and it was not long enough. Sorry, but it's time to be blunt!

[Snoopy1]

Your mother probably has what she thinks is a good reason for secrecy, but it isn't too logical considering everyone knows something is wrong and understandably want to know what it is.

If your mother doesn't change her mind, it's best to remain silent. That will be very difficult but her wishes matter.

[wonderwoman]

I am so sorry to hear about your mother ftrphxcop.

Your mother is counting on your trust. I would keep that trust. I would though, discuss with her why she dosn't want others to know.

I can understand what the Aunt is feeling though, as I would be very upset if my sister didn't tell me.

[ 11-30-2001: Message edited by: wonderwoman ]

[jellybean40]

I'm very sorry about your mother. My mother is going thru the same thing, but not with the secrecy. i agree you should honor her wishes, but i also think maybe when she's feeling good or in a certain mood, you should try to change her mind about telling, especially when it comes to close relatives. my mom announced it to everyone at the Thanksgiving dinner table, but most already knew. (she also wants no sympathy, and is very self-sufficient living alone) i had been with her in the doctor's office when she got the news that it had spread to her lungs and ovary.
her's is a recurrence of a cancer from a couple years ago, she's 84. she almost died from those chemo treatments and is not going to get ANYthing else done. she doesnt even want any hospitalization, we'll see. it's boiling down to who is going to move in with her, and do i need to sell my house and just do it. anyway... i'm rambling. if you want to email me, feel free.

see, you never know what's REALLY going on with your E-family lol. <<<<huggs>>>> Jill

PS. my niece was able to fly in from Colorado Thanksgiving nite, and bring her 2 yr-old son, my mom's first great-grandson. we had a great day Monday with my mom, who was able to play in the yard with him and enjoyed the day so much. if my niece had not known, she probably would not have made the trip. now is the time to make some great memories.

[ 11-30-2001: Message edited by: jellybean40 ]

[Blonde Heat]

Here's a little more info..

It is operable but no guarantee of getting it all. She has uterine cancer and its spread to her bones. Surgery will last about 3 hours this evening. It was canceled at noon due to her recieving a plasma blood pathogen to allieviate massive blood loss.

This is the problem, My sister who is in the medical field was the only one told about the cancer by my mom. And was told not to even tell me because i would blab to all the family. ( I would have :D ) Because i think its stupid to keep that kind of secret.After all, the more who know the more prayers get answered. Right? So my mom is under the impression that i think she's just having a hysterectomy. And all the other family was given the same info. But my sister is extremely close to me and told me with strict instructions not to let on. I can respect my mothers wishes, but the rest of the family is badgering me because they think since i am the oldest child i am not enlightening them with all of the information. So my aunt keeps calling the hospital and asking questions and no will give her info without my moms consent. Again i am portrayed the bad guy because my aunts in CA and can get no information. So in turn she writes me emails, and calls but never says anything nice. That's why i am at a loss as what to do. I swear i sound like a 10 year old but i am thouroughly confused as how to handle this.

Thanks for the thoughts and advice. I appreciate it very much.

[ 11-30-2001: Message edited by: ftrphxcop ]

[Mitzi]

Maybe it's time to tell your Mother and sister how dificult this is getting to be and that some people are very anxious and upset about not being told.

[Joseph]

I'd honor your mothers wishes also. I had an aunt who always said when she died go to the house and open a letter she had written. When we opened it she had who she wanted invited to her funeral. My 2 cousins her children .Myself,wife, my children and her husband. She had a brother and a sister who was my mother and there name wasn't on the list they hadn't talked to her in months. She died from cancer. We told no one and after she was buried ran an ad in the newspaper. Well the s$$t hit the fan but my only comment was is wasn't my funeral and I didn't send out the invitations and she didn't what all the hypocrites crying over her.My mother cursed me out but it's like inviting someone to someone else's party. We kept her wishes.

[JKT]

Ftrphxcop:

I am sorry to hear about your mother.

I have been in that position also, when my father was diagnosed with ALS. He didn't want my brother to know right then, because of an impending transfer (for my brother).

I honored his wishes. Then, several months after my brother and his family had moved, my father told them about his diagnosis. At that point, everything was OK.

Then, my brother found out I had known for 4 months.

I caught absolute he!! from him and my SIL for the next year or so. And this was long after my father had passed away (in 1992). I still catch some flack from it, occasionally.

I would do as other have suggested: Honor her wishes, but do talk to her about letting the rest of the family know when you can.

From my own experience, it can strain already shaky sibling relationships.

You and your family will be in my thoughts and prayers.

[Blonde Heat]

Thanks JKT. I appreciate the thought and prayers and its good to know there are more people with the same problems and all the advice is wonderful. I have more of a grasp on it now. Surgery is over and i'll see how it goes tommorow.

[jcpaddon]

I spent over 2 years working in an emergency clinic, and unfortunately quite often we had to inform people they had cancer.It's very common for people to say they don't want their family to know and they don't want to fight it. Remember it's a shock to them, and usually we'd see them a few months later, they'd come in with a family member and talk about their treatment. It takes time for them to sort out what they want, go with what she wants right now. And she's your mother, she wants to protect you and the rest of your family from being hurt. Let her do that if she wants.
Good luck, I hope she opens up to you and your family.

[Piper]

I'm very sorry to hear about your mom. It's hard when our parents put us in a position that we feel may not be the best way to go. Like others, I agree to respect your mom's wishes and gently try to talk to her about letting other family members know what's going on.

You will be in my thoughts and prayers.

Peace to you,
Piper