He is really beginning to bug me....

[Branden Whitney]

He has showed up twice in one day without permission. First he showed up last night at just before midnight, saying how he was "In the "neiborhood", remind you, our "neiborhood" is 30 miles away.then he pulled it off today, he just left a matter of minutes ago.

As I was telling my mother last night, "The more we let him do it, the more he will." And what makes it worse, we will have to spend all day tomorrow with him.

What should I do? He is really on his last legs as far as this. He does it tomorrow I wont answer the door.

One other thing, he wants us to call him and what not, but he gives us times to do so so we dont bother him, or catch him at a bad time. Isnt he doing that to us? :confused: Or is it different for just him? And everyone else in the world must be thoughtful enough not to disturb him?

I am sorry if I sound rather nasty, I have had a rough few days. But I could really use y'all's good advice.

[NUPD Cdt.]

Talking to the person always helps, I am not sure if this man is an ex-husband or an ex-boyfriend. If it's a husband and you have kids I can understand why he would stop by but it's unfair to you and it seems he is also unwelcome so he shouldn't. If it's a boyfriend and he only ticks you off when he stops by randomly then talk to him, if he ticks you off all the time tell him off and to stop bothering you.

That's my http://www.mass-net.org/ubb/graemlins/mytwocents.gif Hope it helps

[klar]

Brandon, He is getting to be on your nerves because your leting it happen. As long as you and your mother let him come over at all hours he is just going to keep on doing it for he is getting away with it. If you really wish to end his harrassment then your mom is going to have to file a no-contact order to get him to leave you guys alone. We all have told you this in the past. It is your moms decision and we can not make her do that. It has to come from her. If she is not willing to do it you have control over part of your life to be absent as much as possible when he is over. You have friends you can hang at thier house for a few hours to get out from under him. Make some decisions for your own mental and physical health.

Klar

[Branden Whitney]

Klar, you are very correct. We have really been thinking about doing it. But right now he has full control and that is just how he wants it. It would be much easier on our part if he just.... well.... died. That is the sad truth, I really dont think it would stop his habbits if we did it. It would just make it happen more often. Because he is a very sick man, and to tell you the truth, I dont think it would be fair to make a police officer have to deal with him.

But let me tell you something he did today aswell that has me in a rather bad mood. My youngest dog (Stasha) as I have said in the past loves to greet people, nothing wrong with that it is her house, she goes up and tries to hug him (place her front pause on your chest) and you know what that ********* did? He hit here down! Good thing I wasnt present when he did, or all hell would have broke loose.

We talked about it tonight, we really think he wont leave us be until he is dead. And we are thinking of moving further into Ohio.

But the worse part of it is, we will have to see him tomorrow. And it will most likely be a all day banana.

As far as friends are, right now, you guys are basically it. I know several people, but rarely see them. And it wouldnt be fair to leave my sister and mother alone with him. I wouldnt wish that on anyone. I am holding my anger back from him, but I do mean it, he is on his last legs.

One other thing, do you know a site where I can check criminal backrounds? I already know he was a petty crook when he was younger, but I want to see just how far it goes.

Thank you Klar, and NUPD Cdt.

Bran

[klar]

I do not know of a site that will allow you access to anyones criminal record. A officer can get it by looking it up as they have access to the NCIC system. I think moving is not going to solve your problems he is just going to follow you where ever you go and keep right on harrassing you. Your mom is going to have to get the restraining order and then let the police and the courts take care of him. If he is going to assault a oficer then he is going to end up on the losing end but like I said it is in your families hands and only you can get this problem out of your lives.

Klar

[InSane1]

Did you try getting a restraining order? If he makes you that uncomfortable and you fear him... then most courts will issue an OFP. Don't feel guilty about moving. If thats what it takes to maintain sanity, then just do it without guilt.

[Piper]

I've been watching you post threads about your dad for a while...

He is divorced from your mother correct? Why is he still coming over? Does he have visitation with you? I'm not quite understanding why this is happening when all you have to do, is not let him in the house if that is what you and your mother choose.

:confused:

[Mitzi]

Branden, you are so young to have to be dealing with this very serious problem. I think your faher is a very sick, dangerous man. Your comment about it would be better if he died concerned me, Branden. Sure, he might be gone, but if you were the one to do it, he'd be controlling you from his grave because you would be in jail the rest of your life.
Do what Klar and the others suggested. Quit playing his childish, dangerous games and get that restraining order. Any man that can hurt an animal is capable of a lot, Branden.
Your Mother is a battered woman. Get her to a shelter and let them try to help her. She is the adult who should be tking charge of the situation, not you. But she's too afraid of him to do so. The shelter can help her.
This thing is going to escalate, Branden, until something bad happens if your Mom doesn't get that restraining order and USES it.
He's a very sick, dangerous man, Branden. Do not underestimate him and do not take matters into your own hands.

[shorty]

Branden, I think you should listen to what everybody is saying. Don't think about hurting your dad yourself, you will still live with that the rest of your life so you won't be rid of him. Talk to your mom about the restraining order. Ask her if she will get one. You need to talk to your mother about this and let her know you will be there for her if she needs anything, but you also need her to be there for you. If you stick together you can overcome this man. How is your money situation coming? I know you said how he was paying extra child support and you had to have it until you get on your feet. Are you on your feet yet? You know one thing I've always noticed? How ever much money I have is what it takes me to live. If I have a lot, I live a lot. If I don't have a lot, I don't live it up a lot. You can make it. I wouldn't want him to think he had any control over me if I had to work 3 jobs! Get the restraining order!!!! When he comes over and it's not convienant for you, call the police. Tell your father to call before coming to make sure it's a good time for YOUR family. Let us know what your mom says about the restraining order.

[CopInNY]

http://www.click-smilie.de/sammlung/musik/musik021.gif

[Mitzi]

Cop, I don't understand the meaning of the picture of the violin player. You know, Branden is very young trying to deal with a very serious problem. I know I, for one, am very concerned about him.

[CopInNY]

Originally posted by Mitzi:
<STRONG>Cop, I don't understand the meaning of the picture of the violin player. You know, Branden is very young trying to deal with a very serious problem. I know I, for one, am very concerned about him.</STRONG>

Mit,

First off, it was an attempt at humor. Albeit a bad one.

Second, if everything he is saying is exactly as they have happened then the problem isnt all that serious. His mother and he should just not allow him in the home.

If he has visitation rights, and he's getting this way during those visits, then they should contact the necessary people and have his visitation priviledges suspended or revoked.

I may be rather lude, crass, or whatever else you want to call it, but i'm honest, and I tell things the way they are.


One other thing, I reread this thread and saw this in the first post by Branden:

Originally posted by Branden Whitney:
<STRONG> As I was telling my mother last night, "The more we let him do it, the more he will." </STRONG>

It's obvious the kid knows what to do, referring to the pop "dropping by".

I blame mommy for being weak and not taking a stand for her and Branden, and I blame daddy for being a general pain the azz.

[ 08-08-2002: Message edited by: CopInNY ]

[Mitzi]

Cop, a battered woman is not weak. She's scared. Very often, a battered woman has only known abuse her whole life, especially in childhood. I have a friend who was a battered wife. I was called one night by a neighbor because he had hit her....again. The police were there. And you know what she said as she stood there with a bloody nose? She cried and said, "Mitzi, it wasn't his fault. He didn't mean to do it. I just make him so mad." I told him she did not take his hand and use it to punch herself in the nose. HE DID IT and HE was the one responsible. She finally agreed to press charges. This did not stop him. After he got out, he just went back and beat the crap out of her again. This went on until the people at the battered womans center finally got through to her. He kept finding her but the three strikes thingy is the only thing that stopped him or he'd still be beating on her, even though she finally did all the right things.
After a lot of counseling, she realized she did not deserve this abuse. But I knew why she was this way...her father physically abused her growing up. It was all she had ever known.
I see this in Brandens mother.
Brandens Dad is not a pain in the ***. He's a batterer, a dangerous one. Branden and his mother KNOW he's capable of really hurting them. And as is so often the case with batterers, it's escalating.
This isn't a case of someone who says, "I want a divorce. Go away". They ARE divorced. This man is going to go ballistic the first time she REALLY stands up to him and he's capable of hurting her very badly. She knows that.
This is a very serious situation. Branden is young and dealing with this the best he can. This is why I'm trying to convince him to get his mother to a battered womans shelter. She's not weak, she's scared to death. This man is capable of anything.
Branden needs our support. He's having to grow up too fast. He should not have to sleep in a chair at night to make sure his family is safe from his father.
Yes, his mother SHOULD be doing what needs to be done. But this man isn't going to change because of a piece of paper or a divorce decree. She has to learn that she does not deserve abuse. When it's all you have ever known, it's a hard thing to understand.

[CopInNY]

I agree, his mother SHOULD be doing what needs to be done, but she isn't. When you've seen as many domestics as I have, or any other PO for that matter, the women who sit there and take it, or refuse to press charges, make you livid. Getting a court order is the first step in keeping him away. If he violates it, he'll probably get a warning. If he violates it again, he may do some time. Eventually he'll either get the hint, or he'll do something stupid to get himself locked up. Branden knows the whole situation is wrong. It seems to me that his mother is the one who needs a big swift kick in the *** to get her *** in gear.

Branden, here's my advice: Leave. Go to a relative or friends house. Talk to a relative or a friends parent about what is occuring. Hell, go to the police station and ask them to take a report so that theres a record of this nonsense. If your father bothers you at a friends house or a relatives house, you can be damn sure he'll get more than a warning, as he has no business being there. good luck, PM me if you need help, i'll be happy to contact anyone in your area and see what i can find out.

[Mitzi]

Branden, listen to Cop. He's given you wonderful advice. And Cop, I do understand how angry it must make you when these women don't press charges. But what you have to understand is that with some of them, it's purely psychological. They hate the battering. But for some, it's all they have ever known PLUS they are financially dependent on the A**holes that do this.
For someone in your position, it must be infuriating.
Usually, after a woman is battered, the jerk is so sorry, he won't do it again, rtc. It's called The Honeymoon Period. But, unless someone can get through to these women, it's a lost cause.
My friend finally is free of him but she's an emotional wrck and dates abusive men. She, and most of these women, need years of therapy and someone to boost their self-esteem to change them. Very few do this.
My concern is for Branden even tho I understand why his mother is doing this. She took that hard step of divorcing him and I'm surprised, really, she survived it. But she isn't strong enough to take the other steps.
But I can say this, Branden, thre would be NO WAY my husband would abuse our son, no matter how old he was. Your Mother SHOULD be protecting her kids. Most mothers are like lionesses when it comes to their kids. I know you are older but you are still her child.
Listen to Cop....and get your Mother to a battered woman's shelter. They can hopefully wake her up.
She is hiding behind you and expects you to protect her. That's not fair and actually is emotional abuse to you. I know you feel protective of her and that's understandable. You love her. But she will make no moves to help herself as long as you do all this for her. I think I would be correct in saying that deep down, you resent being put in this position and rightfully so. Remember, YOU have a life too.
Maybe if you went to a friends house, took the advice Cop gave you, telling her you just can take no more, she might wake up and do what she needs to do.
I think Cops generous offfer to PM for more advice and help is very admirable. Take him up on it.

[ 08-08-2002: Message edited by: Mitzi ]

[klar]

Both Mitzi and cop have given you some wonderful advise as I have. Now the ball is well placed in your court. You have a lot of options to look into. Get some help for you mother she needs it and you can help her get it. Know that we are here to assist as we can. I am sure there are plenty of officers in your area that would like to assist you too. But you and your mother needs to take the first steps to that help.

Like the saying goes: "A long journey is started with the first few steps." This is going to be a long journey bran and I believe that you, your sister, and your mother can do it and get through it.

Good luck

Klar