He blames me

[Mitzi]

Our son, as many of you know, can not drive because of seizures he has due to a benign brain tumor he had removed when he was 14. He has had 2 brain surgeries, one to remove the tunor and one to try to remove the seizure activity, which was unsucessful.
Hell on earth is living with a teenager that is not allowed to drive. There were days I had to leave the house and just walk and walk and walk because he simply would not shut up about it. He WAS going to drive and that was it. There were times he stole the car keys and would take off. We had to hide the keys but he had one hid too. SO, whenever we went anywhere, we had to disable the other car. No problem....His friends would let him drive theirs. So, we had to call parents. Our son hated us and we hated him right back. It was H*LL.
Now, he's 25 and still can not drive. And he blames me. He says, "You were always there, Mom, always telling the drs it was unsafe for me to drive and I still can't drive and I hate you for it."
I thought by age 25, he'd be more accepting of this. He seemed to be doing that. Now we are back on 16 year old level. He said, "Mom, PLEASE just let me drive to Wal-Mart and back....Just ONE time." I couldn't believe it. I told him, "You KNOW I can't do that. I'm SORRY you got sick, David, but I am not allowing you to take my car." I went into my our bedroom and shut the door. He simply can not understand the stress this causes. Then BAM! A book hit the door. He had gotten so mad he had actully thrown a book at the door...but the door really was me in his eyes.
I came out and said, "Pick it up". He refused. I said, "PICK IT UP". Again, he refused. So, I just grabbed my keys and left the house and drove to the park and sat there hitting the steering wheel. After about an hour, I came home just as my husband was getting home. He could tell I was upset and he knew why. It's usually the only reason I get upset.
We walked in and our son was watching TV. My son saw the book and the hole in the door. He turned he TV off and said, "Pick the book up". Our son was asahmed by then and did so. Then, my husband said, "Come with me" They were gone for awhile and came back....with a new door my H made our son buy AND hang.
Then he told him, "One more time, son, ONE MORE TIME and you ARE out of here. I don't care if you have to live on the streets." Our son counterd that all would be well if I had just not seen to it he couldn't drive. But, my H was too smart to be drawn into that argument again. He just said, "You can not drive and you WILL not abuse your mother. This is your last warning. We have been there for you through this whole thing and your Mother's health is suffering because of the baby way you act because you don't get your way." Our son went to open his mouth and my H just said, "LAST WARNING. I MEAN IT." And he went into his office. And my son knows he DOES mean it.
So, he's looking for apartments near bus stops. He's 25 and needs to be out of here. We have done all we can and so have the drs. Time for him to grow up. Actually, the dr wants him to stay here a "few more months" to see how the new experimental drug works but I told the dr, no. We re all getting to where we hate each other. He needs to be out of our house.
So, wish us luck. I feel so mean but I just want peace, peace for the first time in 12 years.

[Don]

Mitzi, a great many of us on here have been trying to tell you this for some time now. I'm sorry that your son feels this way, particularly at his age. BUT IT IS TIME FOR HIM TO BE ON HIS OWN! Medical problems or not!

Good Luck!

[Mitzi]

Well, it's was hard, Don. Half the time, the medications left him hardly remembering his name. We had no choice. But he's much better now and the time has come.

[AutumnAngel]

Hi, Mitzi

Your story makes me sad because it appears that your son is at the point of trying to accept his illness and trying not to face the facts. My dad went completely blind when he was 23 -- out of nowhere. There was nothing the doctors could do about it. I wasn't around at this time but he would tell me that he just had to become adjusted to and understand his limits. I'm sure both you and your H have tried helping him focus on the things he CAN do instead of the things he can't do. If he can work on that, that will help alleviate some of the anger he feels toward you about driving. I think you guys telling him to find his own place was very good, as hard as it may seem. Once he moves out on his own I can imagine he will feel proud of his independence, despite having to ride the bus. Your son may not see it now but he is very lucky to have you both encouraging him to move out and be on his own. In a few years or maybe even months don't be surprised if he thanks you for helping him move forward.

[klar]

I agree with Don Mitzi. I know that is a hard thing to do when one of your own is sick but I think the time has come and passed that David be out on his own. The fact that he is angry over something small tells me that he is angry with himself for the illness but he does not know exactly how to handle all of it so he vents on you for little things. Let him go out in this world and live on his own for a time and he will either fly and make it or crash hard and come crawling back. Either way he is going to learn some hard lessons and hopefully one of those lessons will be just how much you and his father has done for him so that he will be a lot more respectful to you and his father.

Klar

[CopInNY]

Kick his ***** to the curb. The time has come and gone. People here have been trying to tell you that for awhile now. He's not a little boy anymore. He's not helpless. He's an adult, and it's time he got out from under mommys wing.

[Mitzi]

Please try to remember that this was beyond our control and his for a long time. He is still not well but he agrees with us the time has come. He's as sick of us as we are of him. The drs are a concerned about it because he's on experimental drugs. But, we and he assured him he would try to find come place close to where we could be there quickly if he needs us.
All of us just kept thinking this was a temporary thing and they would find a drug that would help stop the seizures. But he and we have told the drs we have all reached the point it's just not feasilble anymore. He wants his own life and we want him to have it.
And you HAVE to know how hard this is for me. I have come home to find him passed out from a new drug and he has had injuries where he has fallen. This is a huge step for all of us but a necesssary one. No more can any of us take.
Believe me, he was NOT here he because he WANTED to be here. And I did not mind him being here because Mother's like to know their kids are safe. But I don't mind him moving either.
This is a case of, unless you have been in this position, don't judge! I pray none of you ever has to go through what all of us have gone through. It's a real difficult call.
It's just that the drs have to understand it's reached it's saturation point.
And klar, you don't have to worry about the respect thing. The book thing taught him a hard lesson. David respects me but he knows when his Dad steps in, he had better learn even MORE respect. I am a no nonsense person but I'm his Mother, more soft-hearted. My H loves his son dearly but it does not bother him to do what he has to do to draw that line. I know it's hard on my H, seeing our sick son leave, but he knows it's necessary.
But then, you have to know my H. He takes no crap off anyone and probably was the sternest of fathers compared to our sons friends.

[ 07-19-2002: Message edited by: Mitzi ]

[InSane1]

Hey Mitzi,
In our city we have something called "Operation Callsafe" it means that certain residents who have medical conditions or are elderly call our PD everyday before 11 am to "check in" if they do not call us by 11, we call them. If we do not get a response then officers are sent out to check their welfare. It's a pretty nice program. Check your local agency to see if they offer that. It might help with a little Peace of Mind for if and when he moves out.

[Mitzi]

Thanks, Insane. I'm sure we will probably do something like that plus have him call us. It's nervewracking, thinking of him on his own. But it's time. He's so happy because he wants to have his on place in the world.
I'll probably never stop worrying tho. But even though it's just the three of us, he deserves a life and so do we.
We have traveled a little more.....and been called home twice by people checking on him. But, we still got to travel! We will do more to!

[Branden Whitney]

I am sorry to hear that. About him blaming you. But I am sure he knows you dont do it just to be mean, or cruel. But all good parents care about their children enough to lay down the law on certain matters. So I agree with you one hundred percent. :)

But I am glad to hear that you are finally getting to have a life. I think we all know you and your H (I liked it enough I began to use it) deserve to have a life outside the house. And I hope all works out well for you and your family, I am sure it will. :)

[adaam000]

hello mitzi,

i have never had the opportunity to actually post to one of your threads, but this one kind of struck me. I thought i could give my two cents...
When given the chance, I am sure your son will gain a lot of self-confidence and maturity when it comes time for him to keep a house of his own. From your post, i expect it will be a good thing for everyone. Of course you will worry, you are a mom. That's what moms do! :)
Before you know it, he will be situated in his own place, and coming back to your house to get a hot meal and try and get you to do his laundry. I know my mom LOVES it when i do that!! ;)
Take care, and I wish you all the best.

Adam