My Boyfriend

[AutumnAngel]

For some reason, my other topics seem to drift toward my unhealthy relationship with my boyfriend, so now we can just hash the whole thing out right here.

Let me explain briefly, the dynamics of our relationship. In general, we get along well; on a daily basis it is pretty smooth sailing. However, for the 2 years we have been together I have noticed that he tends to drop "bombs" on me. What I mean by that is, things are going well, and he does something very hurtful to me.

Here is a timeline of major "bombs"

*Meet July 23,2000

*August 30, 2000 -- I find out that he had been sleeping with another girl the whole time he had known me. Oh yes, and she was 16 years old to boot. (I can hear Don yelling at me now) He immediately calls it off with her, and vows to never see her again. He does keep his promise, but my trust with him takes a nosedive.

*March 17, 2001

I became extremely ill with the flu for about 7 days, where I couldn't hardly move. I had to have him help me to the bathroom, and assistance for almost everything else. If any of you have ever had the flu than you probably know the agony that I am talking about. By the 3rd or 4th day, he began getting impatient with me saying I was being overdramatic and acting helpless. He started refusing to help me with anything, therefore, I was forced to crawl or just not go get what I needed. I just sensed an extreme lack of compassion on his part.

*Thanksgiving 2001

For some reason, I forgot my purse when we left the house to go to his parents house for thanksgiving; he climbed all over my case for being so forgetful. I told him if he wasn't going to be nice then he needed to take me home. We stopped talking for a little bit, and was driving back to our house, which I thought he was going back to get my purse. He pulls up to the front door, lets me in the house and I tell him to wait just a secong while I get my things. He tells me no and drives off, leaving me completely by myself that day.

*February 2002

This was his birthday incident, even though this doesn't directly affect me, it still bothered me that he was hanging all over some girls.

Mardi Gras was also around this time. Now I know this may seem controversial to some of you guys but we made an agreement that he would not wear beads this year because it bothered me. He wore them anyway. He did tell me about it, but still it bugged me.

*Memorial Day 2002

This may end up being the final straw. Dean tells me that he has a surprise planned for me. We were going on a hike, and he had the place picked out that we were going to go. This place is called Dog Mountain located in Washington along the Columbia Gorge. This is a 4 mile hike uphill. I will admit he is in way better shape than me, I'm not bad but he runs 5 miles every day. Anyway, he has the backpack with the water and food and he starts up the hill. He gets a little ahead of me and I tell him to slow down and wait. He tells me to "pick it up". So as we walk a little further I fall behind again and try and catch up but he dissapears after awhile. I stopped for a little bit to catch my breath and continue on; I was unable to find him. There I am with NO water or anything. It was about 75 that day. So I kept walking hoping that I would find him waiting, but he wasn't anywhere. I had to end up going back down the mountain because I was getting very dehydrated and started seeing stars. I was so baffled at his behavior, thinking how unsafe it is to leave your hiking partner without any water. Just to let you know, that while this was going on, I was in tears because I couldn't believe that someone could do this to another person. He never ended up taking responsibility for what he did. He just told me " I knew you were pouting down there so I just kept walking."

So this brings us up to date, Oh yeah and I forgot about the DUI thingy which also took place Memorial Day weekend.

So as you can see, all of these events are pretty spread out, but to me they are bad. I KNOW that I need to end this relationship but I am stuck for some reason. I feel paralyzed almost and I don't know why! Why do I continue to live with this crap? I am so embarassed by this, that I would allow myself to be disrespected.

Frank, if you respond can you please be somewhat cordial?

[klar]

From what I have read it seems to be a wide gap between these times. Not everything in every relationship is going to be all laughter and fun. If you do have rough times you need to be able to talk about them and see if there is something fruitful that comes out of those talks to continue the relationship. I know i am not a persfect male and sandie and I have had a few differences and there were times where it was pretty touch and go but we were able to work through things and I feel we are closer together now than before.

You are going to have to sit down with him and try to get some of this out in the open. IF he continues down this path of major things then ytou might be best to get rid of him and find someone new. IF he is willing to work with you to make you feel better and is more supportive of you then I have a feeling that you may make it.

You are the one who is going to have to decide what is right for you. Look hard and deep at what the two of you have together and see if you se anything there that is worth saving or not. All we can do is offer advise but it is ultimutely your decision on whether you wish to stay or leave.

I am also a drinker and I drank a lot before sandie and got together in person. I know what effects achohol can have on a relationship. If you have any questions for me you can always drop me a pm.

Good luck on your decision

klar

[SpecOpsWarrior]

I am going to totally disagree with Klar on this.

He sounds like a world class son of a b!tch and you need to leave him ASAP. I think you already know this yourself, maybe you just haven't accepted it yet.

Treating you like the crap he scrapes off of his shoes is one thing, but criminal sexual conduct conduct with a minor is the straw that breaks the camels back for me. I have my own opinion on his type that I wont share! :mad:

[InSane1]

AA, from a womans POV, let's face it. He's not the one you are going to marry. So cut your losses and move on.

If after two years he doesn't know how to care for you emotionally then F*ck him. How long does it take before you realize he's not the one meant for you.

When you find yourself saying the following things to a man, then you found the right one:

"You know my heart and all my desires
and the secret things I'll never tell, You know them well."

I have been stuck in a crap *** relationship and the only time I get a little intimacy of the heart is when he thinks things are over. WTF is that?

I can see that this Dean person is not the man for you. Lose him quick. sure it may hurt at first, but you know in your heart it's not what you want and its the best thing for both of you.

He won't change, he is too comfortable in that relationship where he thinks he doesn't have to. Good Luck.

[Piper]

AA,

We can all offer you alot of advice here but it's going to come down to one thing. YOU.

YOU need to decide to leave.

YOU need to decide when enough is enough.

If it was ME, knowing what I know now, I would have left along time ago. I know it's hard. Before I met my husband I was in an extrememly abusive relationship, physically and emotionally. When it became physical was when I left. Why did I put up with the emotional abuse? I don't know, but I did and I waited till I was laying in a bathroom floor to decide it was time to leave. I'm not saying that is going to happen to you, but - some of the things you mentioned reminded me of him.

Practice some self-care and get out.

Take Care,
Piper

[Mitzi]

AA, you boyfriend is a world class emotional abuser. His abuse will only worsen, especially if you marry him. I know of what I speak. I was lucky----My h got help and is a totally different man now. But, it wasn't without a lot of work on his problems. I admire him immensely. And alcohol was never in the picture.
Honey, leaving you on the hiking trip with no water also shows sociopathic tendecies. You could have died out there. He KNEW what he was doing.
You listen to these people here when they tell you how they feel. They see stuff like this all the time.
You deserve better, much better. And it won't be easy. A jerk like him can be so charming...That's called the "honeymoon" period.
You know what to do, AA. You deserve so much better. If it's found out he slept with a 16 year old girl, he could be seeing some jailtime. That right there would have made him look totally disgusting in my eyes.
There are good men out there, AA. He's not one of them.

[Mike Tx]

My take is that he is not a world class loser, but just a guy that goes ok for a while and then something pops his cork and he turns into an *********.

Confront him about this and see what can be done. He knows he's wrong, but it seems like he is used to getting his way. Turn the table on him and see how he likes it. If you really care for him, help him work it out, if you don't, ditch him.

[Mitzi]

Mike, read her post again! This is not something that can be worked out by talking to him and working it out. The man has some deep psychological problems. He commited statuatory rape. He left AA alone, without water in a fairly isolated area.
He needs lots of psychological help, Mike. This can not be resolved by her just drawing the line. He may clean his act up for awhile but it will always come back.
If they were to marry or even to live together (maybe they are, I don't know), this stuff escalates as they get older. Throw alchohol into the picture and you have the word NIGHTMARE jump out at you.
I know of what I speak, believe me. Except for the alcohol, I lived this nightmare.

[Blonde Heat]

Kick him to the curb or you are going to be one of those women that the cops really dread going to thier house when they keep letting the loser husband come back after all the abuse. The scum deserves to be with someone and its not YOU!!!

[Mike Tx]

Yeah, I forgot about the 16 year old part.

[Mitzi]

Autumn, there is a very good site you might want to consider. It is www.survivinginfidelity.com (http://www.survivinginfidelity.com)
It's a wonderful new site. I was on infidelity.com but, when they started charging, this new site was made. I have been around these people for 3 years.
Go there and read. Just because you aren't married doesn't mean you can't post. Your boyfriend committed a horrible act and aterrrible act of abuse and infidelity with that 16 year old. And don't make excuses for his behavior. There are none.
I am there under the name of ICare. I joined when my ex-daughter-in-law cheated on my son. They are divorced now but it was devastating watching him so devastated. They helped me so much there.
And it's not just about infidelity. They can help you with the abuse also.

[Don]

Oh yes, and she was 16 years old to boot. (I can hear Don yelling at me now)
Why in the world should I yell at you? You were not the one screwing a 16 year old. . .

I became extremely ill with the flu for about 7 days, where I couldn't hardly move. I had to have him help me to the bathroom, and assistance for almost everything else. If any of you have ever had the flu than you probably know the agony that I am talking about. By the 3rd or 4th day, he began getting impatient with me saying I was being overdramatic and acting helpless. He started refusing to help me with anything, therefore, I was forced to crawl or just not go get what I needed. I just sensed an extreme lack of compassion on his part.

It is obvious from this, just how much he cares for you!

He tells me no and drives off, leaving me completely by myself that day.

OK, so he left you alone on Thanksgiving. He is obviously very thankful to have you in his life. . .

it still bothered me that he was hanging all over some girls.

Well, if you let him get away with it, I guess he will just do whatever he wants.

This is a 4 mile hike uphill. I will admit he is in way better shape than me, I'm not bad but he runs 5 miles every day. Anyway, he has the backpack with the water and food and he starts up the hill. He gets a little ahead of me and I tell him to slow down and wait. He tells me to "pick it up". So as we walk a little further I fall behind again and try and catch up but he dissapears after awhile. I stopped for a little bit to catch my breath and continue on; I was unable to find him. There I am with NO water or anything. It was about 75 that day.

You are just beginning to see what it is going to be like. Just look at your posts, Autumn. Things are getting progressively worse as you go along. When is it going to become a grabbing of the forearms. And from there it will go to a shove. If you

[Mitzi]

LISTEN to Don, AA. He's right. Also, check your PM's.

[Fastie]

AA,

It's your decision and no matter how many of us say you should move on with your life, I know you will do what you feel you can/want to do. I think several of the things you mentioned should be show stoppers for the relationship but the one that sounds pretty freaky to me is the "surprise" hiking trip. What an *****. That sounds so sadistic, I could just imagine him hiding in the bushes watching you suffering. Who knows, maybe he DID. It sounds like a movie of the week. If nothing else you need to be a little bit stronger for yourself, if he does something like that, you should be in a position to get down the hill and get home on your own, if you leave him stranded all the better !!!! I know you're still pretty young, but I don't think you want to be going through this same thing 2 more years from now. I'm pretty sure he will not change, he's showed you who he is several times. Don is right, next he'll start grabbing you, pushing you down, calling you names, etc..... (I thought you mentioned having a child, you don't need them to see this sort of behavior, if you don't have a child, sorry, my mistake). :(

[AutumnAngel]

I did it.

I had been thinking about this for the past week, knowing that I needed to make a decision about this. I went to him tonight and told him that I needed a break from this relationship. He said "me too" which shocked me because it made me wonder why he hadn't brought it up himself. So I asked him why he didn't come to me first and he said, "because I don't like to start things." Hmmmm....Ok...I guess. :confused: Anyhow, he has a guy at work he is going to move in with, and he will start moving out this weekend.

So, I'm thinking; "Wow, this wasn't too bad -- a nice peaceful breakup." A few minutes later he says, "you know just because I move out doesn't mean we still can't see each other -- I do still want to see you, ya know." I just told him, "we will see when that time comes, let's just focus on you moving out."

Ugh...I hate breakups -- I just want to find a love that will last forever. Is that really so much to ask?

[Fastie]

Way to Go !!! (you know, when he said he was thinking about it too, there is a good chance he just said that to save himself some of hurt of being "dumped" by you..., I know a lot of people that have done the same thing... and it does "hurt" the other person back, even if only a little bit)... silly man... of course he still wants to see you... but there is also a good chance he will only "see" you until he finds another 16 year old to mess around with...then he'll "dump" you. Still... I think you're doing the right thing... I really do... I've been there, done that and I know how hard it is. Stay strong... :D

[occiferdave]

Originally posted by AutumnAngel:
<STRONG>Ugh...I hate breakups -- I just want to find a love that will last forever. Is that really so much to ask?</STRONG>

No.... but in the mean time... I could be a rebound :D

[klar]

AA, I think that the decision that you made is a sound one. I hope that you find someone who will treat you as you should be treated and that you enjoy a good long life with that person.

Klar

[Bill R]

Originally posted by AutumnAngel:
<STRONG>
Ugh...I hate breakups -- I just want to find a love that will last forever. Is that really so much to ask?</STRONG>

No it is NOT too much to ask! This was definitely NOT the right guy for what you wanted. You made the right decision.

[ 06-19-2002: Message edited by: Bill R ]

[Mitzi]

AA, I have been married 32 years. Is it a love that will last forever? I hope so. But don't buy into "storybook" romance or marriages. It is not ok to accpt abuse because he says he loves you. If my H had left me on that mountain, I would have found him and pushed him down it.
I take no crap off him nor he me. A successful relationship is HARD to maintain, AA. As much as I love my H, I would not get married again. But, I believe in my marriage and am commited to it. Abuse would end it. It almost did but he loved me enough to get help. And that's real love.

[jellybean40]

Originally posted by AutumnAngel:
<STRONG> I just want to find a love that will last forever. Is that really so much to ask?</STRONG>

yeah...it is &lt;sigh&gt; ;)

you can have great loves in your liftime, but it doenst mean they'll last forever. its too bad, but many dont.

i think you did the right thing. i didnt post here because it brought back alot of memories and i thought i'd ramble on about it lol. it seems like the meanness progressed, and it possibly would have kept progressing further.

i wish you the best of luck, and until you find the love of your life, have fun, and take care of you.

[Blonde Heat]

Good luck AA, The hard part is to come. Try not to let him come back. Rarely do things change the second time around with the same person.

[AutumnAngel]

I just wanted to thank all of you for offering your support. I took everything you said into serious consideration. This was just one of those situations where I had to use my head and NOT my heart.

Don, the reason I said you would be yelling at me is because I should have left him when I found out he was screwing a 16 year old.

Anyway, I will continue on my mission to find the perfect man.

[Don]

Originally posted by AutumnAngel:
<STRONG>Anyway, I will continue on my mission to find the perfect man.</STRONG>

I'm awfully sorry honey, but I'm taken! :D
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Seriously Autumn, I think you have done the right thing, and I also think that years from now, you will really thank yourself for it. You might have a bit of a rough time here, but remember that it will pass.

[occiferdave]

Originally posted by AutumnAngel:
<STRONG>Anyway, I will continue on my mission to find the perfect man.</STRONG>

Look no further :D

[klar]

LOL AA I thik odie is trying to tell you to come look him up LOL I myself would not call him the perfect male but he does seem to havea rather high opinion of himself LOL At least you will know your getting in with a cop. LOL

Klar

[RachelR]

Good for you Autumn.. breaking up is hard to do, but staying in that relationship would have been even harder emotionally on you.

This guy will not change. He has obviously actually gotten worse through the years. I think you did the right thing and now you just need to stay strong and resist him when he comes sniffing back around as he most likely will.

[Dinosaur]

I'm going to go off on a tangent here. It's about lists. Women like them. I think it's been well documented in those Mars/Venus type books (women seem to like them, too) that men are different from women in this regard. While men tend to live in the present, taking one day at a time, women seem to remember everything. Some may even go so far as to keep a written record. With that in mind, it's probably safe to say that Autumn's boyfriend doesn't have a list. It's even likely that he's already dismissed those previous events as inconsequential history. If things are OK today, why dwell on the past? If it ain't broke......

If one accepts the aforementioned hypothesis as true, what exactly does it mean in terms of relationship maintenance? Perhaps it means that if you've started a list, it's already too late. It could also suggest that the time to deal with a man related problem is at the time of occurrence. I'm thinking that this sounds suspiciously like the methods used to house train a dog, but that's an all too unpleasant analogy for me.....could be true, though.

In an altogether distinct vein, list making could prove to be a valuable job skill in the law enforcement field, especially if one attains some rank. In the modern workplace, supervisors who cannot extensively document their reasons for imposing sanctions on an unsatisfactory employee are sure to fail in their disciplinary efforts. I've never had this thought before, but maybe women are instinctively well-suited to police management.....at least insofar as the term is utilized today.

Can't imagine that this has helped much, but then again....what do I know? It's nice that everything seems to have worked out OK.

Better lick next time! ;)

[ 06-20-2002: Message edited by: Dinosaur ]

[Dinosaur]

My edit function only worked once so I had to leave an embarassing error intact. In case you hadn't noticed, isn't that a neat little freudian slip there at the end of my post? Purely unintentional, but fraught with subtle chauvinistic implications I would think. :o

[Don]

Dino, if you would like, I can take care of that little problem for you. But I won't change it unless you want me to. ;)

edit: As to your edit only working once, that is a new on on me. :confused:

[ 06-20-2002: Message edited by: Don ]

edit: Checked it again to see if there was something in this particular area of the board. But it appears to be working. Hope your computer isn't "headed south!"

[ 06-20-2002: Message edited by: Don ]

[Dinosaur]

Well I just tried to edit again, Don, and it worked just fine. Previously I was receiving a message indicating that the action was restricted to admin. Since this board has always been glitch free, I suppose it must have been an error on my computer. :rolleyes:

I think I'll leave the error in place, though, now that I've explained it and all.

[kateykakes]

Originally posted by AutumnAngel:
<STRONG>Anyway, I will continue on my mission to find the perfect man.</STRONG>

AA,

Give yourself time to heal. I was so in love (still am) and had my heart broken. Some time has passed, and while it really does get easier as the days move on, there's not a day that goes by that I don't think about him.

I recently started seeing someone I've known for a few years. I told him I'm not ready for anything other than friendship right now, but who knows in time - whatever happens, happens. For now though, I want things to go slow.

I told him I am still mending a broken heart, and he says, "Katey, I'll fix it for you. Look, I have staples, I have tape, I even have superglue! I'll make you all better and you'll never hurt again. All you need is me." :D The man is a gem. :)

[Don]

Originally posted by Dinosaur:
<STRONG>Well I just tried to edit again, Don, and it worked just fine. Previously I was receiving a message indicating that the action was restricted to admin.</STRONG> WTF? That IS a new one on me! <STRONG> Since this board has always been glitch free, I suppose it must have been an error on my computer. :rolleyes:</STRONG> Yes, that is what I had figured. We've NEVER experienced ANY problems with this board. :rolleyes:
<STRONG>
I think I'll leave the error in place, though, now that I've explained it and all.</STRONG>

I think you should! :D

[occiferdave]

Don, Please stay on topic.... otherwise please take your discussion to Bulletin Board Help :D

[Mitzi]

I watched my son's heart be broken too, katey. It hurt so much. That was three years ago and she is finally gone from his life, forever I hope.
I watched her emotional abuse until I could hardly stand it and was finally so glad when my son said ENOUGH!
He's doing ok but is still very sad, I can tell. He loved her but had the strength to say, "I will NOT let you abuse me and I will NOT live this way."
His Dad, me and he are all very close. When he married, it was like God had given us the second child we had always wanted. I supported my son through all this but it really was like a death to me when she did what she did to him. She was there, the daughter I had always wanted, and then she was gone. None of us will ever be the same.
But life goes on. I pray he will someday meet that special person that can really love him.

[Joseph]

AA real simple for me I know a lot harder for you. Get rid of him you deserve better. :(

[Snoopy1]

He is not the "love that will last forever". Dump him. He sounds like the type that will be a wife beater if you marry him.

Sorry I can't be more encouraging but that's the way I feel.

[Desmar]

:mad: I only read a part of the foram. BUT I agree with SpecOps on the grounds of the criminal act. And the fact that I have seen the effect that can arise out of this. In the end this guy dosen't desereve your attention. THAT kind of thing (I see him as less than human, because of the lack of common human decentiy[hope that I spelled that right] that all people deserve from the time of birth) does NOT know what he has in you and I hope that it will be better with the next guy. long story short DITCH THE LOUT!! :mad: :mad: :mad:

[ 07-05-2002: Message edited by: Desmar ]

[NO21]

You need to dump this @$$hole. I can't figure out why girls/women stay with boys/men that treat them like dirt. You are wasting your time. There is no "talking" to this jerk. Find someone that treats you with respect and admiration. Don't be afraid to move on.

[NO21]

Ooops... I didn't finish reading all the posts. Way to go. Glad you moved on. :-)