The Big D

[InSane1]

So, here's the dealio. I need some advice from anyone who has been through this.

My husband and I are going to actually go through with this divorce thingy and we came to the agreement that we would try to make it easy and have sat down to talk about who gets what. He's making it rather easy, which is scarey. I know him so well and nothing is ever easy with him, so I'm still waiting for the big "bomb". He agrees to most everything. Says I can have the house and kids, but today, he was aweful quiet. that means he's concoting. It's virtually impossible for him to be this "cool" about it. I'm scared of what his plan to destroy is. I know he has one. So my main question is, "What do men secretly think up when they go through a divorce?"

The thing that makes me so suspicious is the fact that he's being quiet and agreeing. Plus, his father has been through two divorces and he pretty much told my husband that I'm going to take everything he owns. (and I think he beleives it because he's been making comments about it)

[jellybean40]

I dont know what he's thinking up, but probably something! and not cuz hes a man...it's what happens in most divorces on one side or the other.

My sister's ex-husband pulled alot of money out of their joint account when she moved out. His co-workers had told him to buy an expensive car and then she couldnt get any of that money. He didnt do it, and i dont know if that is true. I think sometimes it's a myth about taking everything someone has. Here in Jersey you get half.

I've been thru it, so feel free to PM me or email me. My husband was a police officer, and i had a really bad experience with the first lawyer i got. i was young and nervous and upset and he had me tell the whole story of the adultery, etc, told me i'd have to take pictures to prove it, all this crap. Then he called me in a few days and said he saw my husband in court and realized who he was and since he saw him about twice a month he didnt feel comfortable taking the case. He also told me that he "trusted" i wouldnt discuss the fact that he told me to take pictures. May not sound like a big deal but it was to me.

I did end up finding a great lawyer at a legal clinic, and my ex- and i shared the cost. He didnt even get his own lawyer; i got one car, he got the other. i got half the value of the house minus what we owed (he re-mortgaged...a small price for him to pay IMO).

The tricks that he pulled were mostly of the small cruel kind, which was in his nature. An antique chest that i had kept all my really important things in, which he had given me, he decided was his to keep while i was moving it thru the living room. Rather than fight more, i left it just to get out of the friggin house. Posessions aren't everything, but when it has special meaning its a little different.

There were more "tricks" like that. So be ready, and tell your lawyer everything. i'm not a big lawyer fan, but sometimes they're all you've got. good luck.

[InSane1]

I was going to use a paralegal to draw up the documents. He has agreed to a lot of the financial things including a child support amount. If its an uncontested divorce then I a paralegal is fine even with kids and real estate. I think.

I thought of getting a lawyer, but then he would be on the high defensive and that is brutal. I don't want my kids to see that sort of stuff.

*I better call the bank and find out how much we have in savings * lol

[Joseph]

Never been through it but a lot of my friends have. If you can do it in a nice way with the children not being affected that's great. But prepare yourself for the worse at the last minute. Good Luck and God Bless you that everything goes smooth especially for the children.

[jellybean40]

i understand what you mean about the lawyer, thats why it was good we shared one, we shared the cost also.

we could have used a paralegal i suppose. as long as all documents are legal, i'm sure it will be OK.

a lawyer will definitely want you to get all you can, they feel that's their responsibility to the client. ours wanted me to get 3 different estimates on the house, from out-of-town realtors. i just got one and i was satisfied with it.

the easiest, most peaceful way you can do it will be best, especially since kids are involved.

[Blonde Heat]

I feel for you in the worst way right now. My Husband said yesterday flat out that if i became a cop he would divorce me in a heartbeat. He never outright said it before but just out of the blue it popped out of his mouth. I sort of thought he would work through his fears or whatever he was going thru eventually. But it does not look that way at all. So i am left to think what the hell did i do wrong. I rarely talked about the cop thing in front of him and whenever i got great news i kept it to myself because i knew he disagreed with the whole idea to begin with. But the congrats letter came yesterday and its final, i am in the academy starting Aug. I also have 16 years invested in this relationship. I too know i will get the short end of the stick when the time comes to divorce. He saves every penny and can afford a good lawyer where i will have to go the paralegal route. I hate to say this but after raising our 3 kids into semi-adulthood. If he wants them he can have them. They only listen to him anyways. I would feel fne with visitation rights. I know as a mom who has always been there, this sounds completely horrible. But its life and i know they have a better chance with him regarding disipline. They laugh when i pull out the ever fateful your gonna geta spankin if you dont behave. :( My main fear is being alone. I have been with him since i was 14 and it seems extremely scary going it alone. I too need suggestions regarding the whole thing. :(

[wonderwoman]

ftrphxcop,

You might not agree with me but you don't throw away 16 years of marriage because you want to be a cop unless your marriage has been rocky for 16 years. Yeah yeah I know the line about don't let someone stand in the way of your dreams, I've said it myself many times. But Its usually said to those that don't have 16 years of marriage behind them.

I'd really try find out (and maybe you know) the following...

Why is he so opposed to you being a cop?
Is it just a macho thing?
Is there a compromise here? Smething else in Law Enforcement you could do?
What is the value of your dream to be a cop in relation to the man of your dreams?
What if you become a cop and its not all you thought it would be... will you have regrets?
Are you prepared to do that?
What if he wanted to change careers tomorrow and it was something you didn't like? How would you respond to that? Would you expect him to leave you over it?

I know there are those that may say "its your life, how dare he, follow your dreams, tell him to get lost, you have the right to do whatever you want" etceteras. While they may be all true, you have a 16 year marriage and kids to think about (and I am sure you know this).

Don't throw it away thinking the grass is greener on the other side. Thats all.

I wish you the best as you work through it.

[InSane1]

"My main fear is being alone."

I have had this same fear. I was talking to a friend... (while totally drunk) and they said to me, "after all you have been through it's understandable to be afriad of what you don't know. You will have your family and friends" Then I thought to myself.... I do have family, but no real friends. Will I be content enough in that? Uggg.... phxcop, you mean he doesn't support your career choice, mine didn't at first because of the control issue. I was a housewife when I began my education. He would purposely go out or not come home when I had important midterms to take or finals. I actually had to bring my 3 year old son with me to a final because he didn't come home. (Thank God the instructor let me take it home.) We would have terrible fights when it came time for me to sign up for classes. During those fights he would sometimes bring me to tears and then shout at me, "And you want to be a cop? Look at you!" over time he accepted it, but I think he knew back then that I was a "doer" and I'd do it and leave him. He didn't want to lose that control over me. Don't get me wrong. He's a great dad, good provider financially, but marriage is more than that to me.

I could go on for hours! I think this thread is going to be a good coping mechanism for me.

[wonderwoman]

[QUOTE]Originally posted by InSane1:
He would purposely go out or not come home when I had important midterms to take or finals. I actually had to bring my 3 year old son with me to a final because he didn't come home. (Thank God the instructor let me take it home.) We would have terrible fights when it came time for me to sign up for classes. During those fights he would sometimes bring me to tears and then shout at me, "And you want to be a cop? Look at you!" over time he accepted it, but I think he knew back then that I was a "doer" and I'd do it and leave him. He didn't want to lose that control over me. Don't get me wrong. He's a great dad, good provider financially, but marriage is more than that to me.

Insane, those things you have mentioned make your situation different. I can only comment on what information people give when they post on the forum. In the times that ftrphxcop has posted there has never been any mention of any physical or emotional violence in her relationship. Whether or not that is the case is within her knowledge. Thats why I think the situation is different. It has always seemed to be about the issue of her being a cop. I don't want you to think that I would accept any tolerance for abuse of women. If there is more information to her situation then my response may change.

[InSane1]

I know what you are saying WW, and I completely understand that. I think there aer probably other things that go on in everyones relationships that they would rather not tell other people. I know there a few things I wouldn't post,... about my marriage.

ftrphxcop-I can't help but wonder if he holds the financial thing over your head. I do think you should talk to him about your situation because then you will really know.

I have been married 9 years and together for 13. Its hard.

[Don]

Well I

[InSane1]

"Alimony?" ~perk~


lol Just jokin. I don't need that. Cased on his income I could ask for a few hundred dollars more for child support, but I don't want to take him for all he's worth and I think he knows that. We agreed to tell the children together... and not until after we are closer to the end of it.

[SpecOpsWarrior]

I dont really have any business responding to this thread, never been through a divorce, but I did go through a break up after several years of cohabitation. Nothing even remotely close to 16 years, but a major life change none the less.

But if I ever do go through one, I wont fight over the house and other effects, she can have it, all of it. Furniture, appliances, electronics, the toys, everything, take it, I dont give a damn, its just stuff, and I can get more stuff. All I want is to make sure that the kids are provided for and we have a fair custody agreement. I will even agree to a generous child support plan, as long as it is going to my kids.

I dont know if this is what your husband is thinking, but thats just how I look at it.

I hope everything works out for you, whatever happens.

[kateykakes]

This is one of those subjects that, unless you have been through these things, or are going through them, it's hard for someone to understand. It's a very touchy subject, and most times than not, a very private one.

Don, so much of what you said hit home. I haven't shared much personally here lately, and I have been hesitant to do so. The things you said though got me thinking about so much.

I've been through two marriages, and the way I feel now, I never want to marry again. I've seen what it's done to my children, and I harbor guilt because of that. Both were situations I could have walked away from early on before the damage was done.

You are so right when you say kids know when something isn't right. I stayed in my second marriage for a long time knowing it wasn't going to work, thinking it was best for my children. It didn't matter whether we would fight or not - the kids still knew something wasn't right.

When I finally got the courage to leave, I knew it was the best decision I had ever made. My son, Anthony cried the first night we left. He is one who rarely cries, and the tears flowed freely for him. But after talking with him and comforting him, I found that the tears were for many things. Sadness because of what happened, tears of fear for starting a new life, and tears of relief for not having to go through the pain of a mother and father who didn't belong together. One valuable lesson I did learn though - It's amazing how resilient kids really are.

Much has changed in two years. Things are at a stumbling block right now, but it's only temporary. I've had to move back in with my ex for the time being (long involved story), but we both know it's a temporary situation, and we both lead very separate, very different lives. He has a girlfriend, and until recently, I had someone very special in my life. I work a lot (10-13 hrs a day, 6, sometimes 7 days a week), so for the most part, I stay out of his way, and he stays out of mine. There are times when he does get under my skin, but for the most part, we get along ok. I like him much better this way. The situation is an odd one, but for financial reasons, it was pretty much the only alternative. I'm just counting my days until I move. I worry more about how the move is going to affect my children than our temporary home, because they know the marriage is over.

Anyway, ft and Riv, I wish you both the best of luck.

Thanks Don. :)

[ 05-19-2002: Message edited by: kateykakes ]

[Don]

katey, check your PM! :)

[jellybean40]

Don, i thought your post was great. it was nice to see an honest man's point of view who's been thru it. i remember reading other posts of yours about your marriages and you've always been candid and honest. :)

And WW, i was gonna answer ft, but you said everything i would say (and ask). got to be more to it than just the job...it's none of my business to say that, but it's my feeling, and i dont mean to offend anyone. i couldnt imagine someone giving me an ultimatum like that, and i feel for you ft.

Katey, i also cannot see myself ever married again. doesnt mean i dont think i can love someone, i just dont want to get married, and i never had kids to deal with, which i know makes it much harder.

i go back and forth between loving being alone, to wishing i had someone to "hang out" with now and then (and a couple other things :D ) that doesnt mean i even want someone living with me... that would be hard to adjust to. who knows!

and SpecOps, you never know how you'll be in a divorce situation. depending on how mad you are at the spouse lol! i feel now that possessions mean so much less to me than when i was married, and so does money actually. we had plenty, and plenty of "things," but in the end none of that really matters.

i do think this thread is gonna be good therapy for anyone who posts here ;)

[BigMig]

[ 05-20-2002: Message edited by: BigMig ]

[InSane1]

Well, I must say, since my husband and I have decided to do this and laid out basically who gets what and who pays what things have been erie. Not bad--not good, just erie. We have been to this point before and now is when he starts being extra specially nice to me. I hate when he does that.

See, the thing is, I have always fell for it. The cooked dinners and fluffing my pillows. He's basically catering to me in hopes that things will change, but I have to keep telling myself that this is a "honeymoon phase" its a cycle and its only temporary until tension builds again, and ultimately there is an explosion. It's so hard because this is when he is the gem of a man I always wished he could and would be. But its all an act. I hate that. He really thinks he can change things around. But I can't let it happen again. I wish someone would slap me and say "WAKE UP, YOU KNOW WHATS GOING ON".

All the things I want to forgive of him are things that I just cant forget. It's been a while since a real explosion, but like I said before--I can not forget. Uggg, now Im thinking out loud. Thank GOD none of you know me IRL...lol.

[Blonde Heat]

Whew! And i thought it was only going to get easier as i aged. ;)

LEt me state by saying there as never been any physical abuse what so ever. I am not really sure about how to catagorize the mental stuff. Sure i used to be hurt when i was overweight and the jokes like charging the kids $3 to watch me swim in the tub and then telling them thats how Sea World works was hurtful but i am a big (not literally) girl and never let the little things bother me to much. I think i have an incredible sense of humor.

But i was floored when he just blurted it out. And it is incredibly tough to make a decision regarding my whole life. I know that if i am forced to make this decision then my marriage is shot anyways. I will be forever resentful towards him for using the power of me spending so many years with him and my love for him as a tool to manipulate me. Sure we always joked around that when the last kid turns 18 we will part ways. But everyone in our family just laughed it off because they think we are perfect for each other. And after my horrible childhood with so many stepdads i promised my kids would never have to deal with a step parent. And before anyone comments on the step parent thing. I am sure there are a tremendous amount of great ones out there but you have to experience the ones i had to, and then you will see i am forever warped from the experience. I dont think we have had a huge amount of problems throughout our marriage but how can someone build a solid relationship at the age of 14? We messed up, and i got knocked up and then we just did the best we could. I remember when we used to get happy on pay day when we could take the kids for pizza and he was only making $6.50 an hour. Over the years we have just built this solid home life for the kids accumulating the needs of a family. 2 cars a home and good schools for the kids. Now they are 11,14,15. And they are stable. We realized we screwed up as kids ourselves and just did the best we could. Deciding that no matter what we have to take care of the kids. So i can look forward to becoming divorced in 7 years no matter what because i will not give up wanting to be a cop. :mad:

[InSane1]

FTR? Are you planning on waiting 7 more years to be a cop?

[Don]

Originally posted by InSane1:
<STRONG> I wish someone would slap me and say "WAKE UP, YOU KNOW WHATS GOING ON".
</STRONG>

SLAP, SLAP, SLAP, SLAP, SLAP, SLAP, SLAP, SLAP. WAKE UP! YOU KNOW WHAT IS GOING ON!SLAP, SLAP, SLAP, SLAP, SLAP, SLAP,

This is just another way of manipulation. Folks who are into this are VERY good at it. They are just looking for control.

If it is over, it is over - GET AWAY FROM IT!

And "viacondos" mi amiga!

[Don]

ftr, see my above post! Only you can decide what to do here, but IMHO it is a mistake to stay together "for the sake of the kids." It's also a BIG mistake to let him (or anyone else) dictate what you may and may not do.

As for the families feeling you two are "perfect for each other" remember it ain't the families that have to LIVE in your situation!

[wonderwoman]

ftr and Insane,

Please don't feel you have to answer this but I notice no mention of the word "love"? Do you no longer have any feelings of love that are strong enough to want to try to work things out or are you way past that stage..... or even though there is love, the issues cannot be resolved/changed to make feelings of love a valid point.

I am not sure how your laws are, but have you considered a trial separation first?

[Joseph]

There are a lot of sad and heart felt emotions in these posts. Since I can't say nothing except do what you feel is right in your heart I will keep both of you in my prayers. Whatever you do never let someone contol your own feelings and lose your own identity. Good Luck to both od You. :(

[Blonde Heat]

I will be forever resentful towards him for using the power of me spending so many years with him and my love for him as a tool to manipulate me.
Yes, I do love him. How could you not spend 16 years of your life with someone and not love them in some degree? Father of my kids, and the only person i have ever been with. I really dont know what his problem is but he never has anything nice to say about my intended profession. He has never been in trouble with the law. So i am confused as to what his dislike is. All i can think of is his fear. I understand some men just don't like to express thier fear and turn it into anger or another emotion to mask it. He once mentioned that he refuses to wait for that knock on the door. I just told him have a ittle faith in me. I am not an idiot an will be trained very well. No i am not waiting 7 years to become a cop. I will be 37 and my chances will have deminished greatly. Lets face it i am not getting any younger and the military people are in way better shape physically then I. So when it comes to the testing i will be beat every time. I will continue on with the course i have chosen regardless. Do any of you think it possible to really love someone but not like them very much?

[ 05-20-2002: Message edited by: ftrphxcop ]

[SGT Dave]

Yes. Unfortunatley.

ftr-check your PM.

[Don]

Originally posted by ftrphxcop:
<STRONG>[b] Do any of you think it possible to really love someone but not like them very much?
</STRONG>

Sure. Just ask the parents of kids who have screwed up their lives and spent time in the joint. You can't just turn love on and off like it was a water faucet.

The thing is that the two most powerful emotions that we (as human beings) have are love - and hate. These two are so closely intertwined, that love can and often does turn into hate. Hate can not only destroy your relationship, but it will destroy you. That (coupled with my experience of wasting so many years with #2) is why I am a staunch advocate of not staying in a relationship if it is not right for you.

OTOH, you sure don

[InSane1]

I think I posted this once before:
"Is it better to love than like? Or better to like than love?"

I love him very much, and when I think about "being alone" it is scarey. But then I remember that when we fight, I am afraid he will snap and do something drastic. I'm not going to lie. I have been pushed, choked, grabbed, slapped, shoved and the last time.... (almost two years ago now) punched. Being in law enforement I knew it was abuse, but that last time he said that he would tell the cops that "I" hit him. At that point I was just into the academy and didn't want that on any background.

Today I looked at him and knew that I still love him, but I remember the times that we fight and how aweful the feelings are. I hate feeling that way. I decided long ago that if I ever had enough money I'd just do it. Now that I have enough money, things between us have been good. nothing physical since that incident in 2000, but I have to stick to my guns on this one. He is not reformed... no matter how much I want to believe it has all changed, I know deep down inside its all temporary.


It is better to like..... than to love.

[InSane1]

Yanno, I sat here thinking as I re-read my post. I have to admit, I have not been the perfect wife. God knows the secrets I will never tell. I don't want anyone here to think I'm looking for the "go ahead" to divorce or even for justification. I just want input as to other people's experiences with Divorce.

[jellybean40]

Well Insane, i have to say something else to you. You dont need to seek justification or the OK to divorce...you have it and you know that inside. its ok if you still love him, but you cant live with someone who has physically hurt you, and hasnt gone for therapy or tried to make a serious change. its a danger to your life.

Maybe i dont know you IRL, but i care about you as a woman (and not like in the Highway to Hell forum :D lol) Love shouldnt hurt. that's a rule i made years back. it shouldnt hurt physically or emotionally. granted it wont be fun and happiness ALL the time. but when someone feels the need to hurt someone in whatever way, its not a love relationship. doesnt matter if you werent the perfect wife, who is??

i have to say that i was not scared to be alone when i left my ex-, i actually looked forward to it. and i was alone about 2 years before meeting someone else and spending many years with him.

another rule i have is, i'd rather be miserable ALONE, than have someone else making me that way. at least we can change our own lives, and create our own happiness. i posted this in the open, since you did with your post also. i hope you dont mind.

i'm no expert, but i'm older and have been thru it, and make my rules from my experiences. i KNOW how hard it is to leave someone you love. but sit back and think how you feel most of the time youre with him. fear isnt a part of love.

ok...i'm done preaching ;)

[ 05-21-2002: Message edited by: jellybean40 ]

[InSane1]

"i'd rather be miserable ALONE, than have someone else making me that way."

WORD! I know, but I just wonder if I'm disillusioned. What if its not as bad as I think? Does time matter? I don't want to make it out like he "beats" me. He has never "beat me down" like some people I've seen. Actually, since I started working in LE he has been pretty careful to watch his P & Q's because he knows I wont back down now.

Can you imagine me as being a submissive type? LOL.... believe it, cause I used to be!

[jellybean40]

Well, i do believe people can change. but only you can know if you feel that he has. i know what you mean, that he hasnt beaten you, and yeah it makes a difference. but my worry would be, is that next?

my ex-husband never beat me, but the fear that went with being thrown back into a wall by someone huge is as bad as if he did. you have to think if you can deal with the fear, if you do still feel it.

[InSane1]

"you have to think if you can deal with the fear, if you do still feel it."

I'm feeling you *EG*. lol.. sorry... ok, on a more serious note, yeah, I do still feel it. It's like, you must know what I'm talking about. Because that is the biggest issue for me. The fear. I can strap on a gun and walk in the dead of night with no fear, but put me in a lovers arms, completely vulnerable with not only my heart by my body, they could snap me in two or just outright filet me.

pretty picture huh? :rolleyes: :rolleyes: I know I'm a little crude, just thinkin out loud again.

[jellybean40]

actually, i think you said that perfectly.

yeah, i know what youre feeling. and that fear affects everything in the relationship, cuz sometimes you will be afraid to make him mad. or feel like it IS your fault by ****ing him off. not a good thing to feel.

[InSane1]

WORD! YES,... Affirmative... EXACTLY... *crinkles brows* Finally...... Someone who knows what I mean!

[Don]

I don't see how anyone can continue in a relationship if they fear their mate. It's bad enough being in one with someone you detest, let alone fear. (shudders)

The thing is that people are so vulnerable when they are in a relationship. Particularly if one person is a manipulator and the other is submissive. The submissive one is going to be beaten down to where they have NO self esteem and often they don't even have their own identity. Once they get to that point, then the manipulator has them exactly where he/she wants them.

This allows the manipulator to do things that he/she would never DARE to do before this time. Often, you will see this kind of person inflict terrible emotional wounds, then just up and leave. This puts the submissive person in a position where they don't have any choice but to make it on their own, but they really CAN'T because all of their self esteem, self confidence whatever you want to call it, is gone. Here is the point that you often see suicide come into play.

And believe me, this cuts across all economic lines, all professional lines, all religious lines, and all racial lines. Some of the most

[AutumnAngel]

I know I'm a little late sounding in here but I just wanted to wish you luck and future happiness insane. It does get better. I am embarassed to say that I went through my first divorce when I was 22. I was only married for a year and a half and my daughter was nine months old. She really didn't suffer emotionally - she was obviously too little to understand what was going on.

My divorce was hell for me, I would try and get along with my ex so we could exchange our daughter (for visitation) and it just got to the point where I couldn't even talk to him. I had my attorney just telling me to quit talking to him right now until the papers are signed because he couldn't be trusted. If things are eerie right now it may be because he IS planning something. I'm a strong believer in intuition. I have great intuition that I used to just shove aside only to find out that I was right all along!

I understand the whole being alone thing - that has always been a fear of mine. I don't handle change well - therefore I would rather just stick with the familiar. BUT that was the one sign I had to where I knew it was over for good and there was no going back. I can remember telling him how disgusting his lifestyle was (heavy porn use) and I just told him to leave right now! and I meant it. For once, I wasn't afraid to be by myself. It was always a financial reason for me to stay, but I didn't care if I had to live with my dad or get on the dang welfare system I just had to be away from him. And that was it, it was over. He was gone that day. In fact, now that I think about it - May 15th was the 2 year anniversary of our finalized divorce.

:rolleyes:

Even if you need to start seeing a shrink, go and do that. It was after my second appointment that I finally saw the light - she had to also slap me upside the head and say WAKE UP! HE ISNT GOING TO CHANGE! LOL

Anyhow, my prayers are with you.

[InSane1]

So here's an update. Talk about buying my silence and schmoozing. *sigh* I HATE THIS. He's pretty much buying me out AGAIN! Making big purchases for me. Hell, if I said I wanted a cruise in the bahamas, he'd do it. Its makign me nuts. PLUS... he actually wrote me a love note.... for the first time in about... oh...... three-four years maybe. and that last note was during a honeymoon phase. BLAH...... he's pulling out all the stops this time. Thing is, I know he enjoys this chase and I like having the kind words, but *****....damn it! I know it will stop once I say.... "okay, lets try again". BLAH... DAMN him for making this so hard. Damn Me for believing there is a little hope left. I know its temporary! I have to keep reminding myself of that. lol.. I wonder how long I can milk the situation... LMFAO....... (okay, that was evil... but I just know how it plays out) GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!

[JKT]

Not having BTDT, but having seen a number of friends that have, I think the best advice I could give is this:

Remember your training on Family Violence.

It's exteremely difficult to apply your LE training to yourself, but if you can step back and take a look at it objectively, I believe you will see it.

You are in my thoughts and prayers.

[jellybean40]

Originally posted by InSane1:
<STRONG> I like having the kind words, but *****....damn it! I know it will stop once I say.... "okay, lets try again". BLAH... DAMN him for making this so hard. Damn Me for believing there is a little hope left. I know its temporary! </STRONG>

God, talk about deja vu all over again... lol

It's ok, because youre smart and strong, you know what he's doing. granted he doesnt want to lose you, but he needs to address what his problem is, not put on an act, if hes serious about it.

You are so right, it makes it hard on you, and makes you maybe think twice. but it will pass and you will be able to make your decision easier then. you've got time...you're not fighting now.

when i tell you i had to deal with tears...and lots of them, many times. and begging. and i'm not bragging at all...i now feel it was an act, and i had to watch somebody i loved do that, and make me feel horrible. he was the master at causing me guilt. this thread continues to make me feel SO happy i got my divorce when i did. life can be really good :D

[InSane1]

*sigh* Am I nuts to wait for two weeks before I send in the paper work? BLAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH .... I am aint I? geeze.... I think I just had a conversation with myself. lol

[CinaC]

That's why you're the "InSane1", sweetie :)

I, on the other hand, have consversations with my jeep (which is why I am "CrazyinaJeep"). They're not very stimulating, but then, it's an inanimate object (and it's not alive, either).

[InSane1]

LMFAO.... yanno I was thinking you probably did.

So I think I have decided to wait until after the BI..... what do you guys think?

[CinaC]

Yanno, my Jeep has a good ear (well, no). It is, of course, a bit of a captive audience (especially in rush hour traffic).

[InSane1]

Oh... good lord.. he bought it at an Armory Auction!...lol

[CinaC]

Actually, I bought it at a used car lot ... I wish I bought it at Armory Auction. Do they have the swiveling .50 caliber cannon mounted to the roof option? I bet I wouldn't get stuck in traffic as much. :D

[InSane1]

Okay, new update. This morning I told him that I was going to hold off on sending in the paper work... I really don't want to be going through that if I'm being backgrounded. I do have ultierior motives though. I want to see if he reverts back to his old song and dance and if all the schmoozing stops. I suspect within two weeks he does revert back to his old self. BLAH.... how sad is it to expect someone to be a.... "*^%^!~!"

I feel like I've backed down, but I just don't want anything to mess this BI up. talk about drama! It makes me sick to think I'm not going to do it. to me, I've convinced myself its a strategy.....a plan of action. I always said I would wait until after I had the job, but sometimes a person gets to a point where you just can't wait anymore. NOW, another rench. Do you think God is trying to tell me something?

[Don]

I don't know why your divorce and your bg should affect one another. Your bg is going to turn the fact that you have a problem marriage anyway. . .

[InSane1]

Why do you say that? How?

[Don]

They will talk to your husband, friends, relatives and neighbors. Check your PM.

[InSane1]

well, I don't have neighbors and I don't have friends... lol..... my mom and dad.hmmm... they are the coolest but my mother in law is .... errr.. GOD I hope they dont talk to her.

[Blonde Heat]

Insane1, I am hoping for the best for you. I too would ewait till the BI is over. MY question for anyone who wishes to answer? Does the divorce affect the BI? The reason i ask is because i am thinkin the same thing Insane1 is. Will they think that because i can't even hold my marriage together , will this person make a good officer? If she cant make a marriage work, what makes us think that she won't fall apart on the job?

I too thought this while going thru the BI. And since they made sure to talk with family and friends. I did not rock the boat. Unfortunatly i kissed alot of butt so my jerk family would not ruin my chance at fianlly getting the career i wanted. I think it sucks but like my BI said, I can ask but cannot not control the answers that come out of thier mouths. And i have to consider everyones answers regardless if they like you or not. I am just doing my job. But have faith i will my job to the best of my ability and i will know the people who are blowing smoke up my butt.

So Insane1, I would wait and just trust your BI to do his job.

[InSane1]

Affirmative. I will. Wanna hear somethign really Effed up. Today, I could see him reverting. All I could do was just shake my head. I have been preparing him for the BI. Although, it's not as common for BI's to question the spouse in my area. I do think this department will talk to my husband though. I told my husband that they might ask him certain questions. I also told him that if he F*cked this up for me, he wouldn't like me very much. lol... if you know what I mean.

I sure hope things get better for you FTR. You are going to make me start worrying about you!

[Don]

Umm Insane, are you saying he is going to get the "Bobbitt" treatment! :eek: :D

[InSane1]

grrrrrrrrrrr...... :mad:

JUST GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!! :mad: :mad: :mad:
*sigh*

:( :( :( :(

[Blonde Heat]

Thanks Insane1, I am wondering at the about face my Husband has been going thru too. He
mst of seen the stress i have been going thru lately because he made arrangements to hae the kids watched, Has been very attentive, and even gave me all the money plus some to properly handle my mothers funeral. I was shocked! Its just not like him to be this kind. I am starting to see the boy i fell in love with while being a teenager. He even stopped complaining about the house cleaning lately. And did most of it himself along with finishing some on the remodel we started last year. :eek:

[InSane1]

FTR, he probably knows how hard this time is on you and doesnt want to add to your stress. He's a smart one.

Mine is digging a nice deep hole for himself with each passing day. He's done with his honeymoon phase. He's moved right along into the "tension building". Ever since I told him I wasn't goign to file the papers just yet he has become so lax and acting like his old self... rather than the "love note" I get a nice page of sarcasm to wake up to. Plus, all he wants to do is have sex..... :rolleyes:

I like sex, don't get me wrong, but yanno, his attitude just burns me. He thinks it has all blown over. I guess maybe it has something to do with the fact that I didn't say... "IM STILL DIVORCING YOU AFTER THE BI" lol. I have held my tongue on more than one occassion in the past few days. then this morning. Mr. Spaz decides his cell phone, (the one I bought him for his birthday and cost me a hundred bucks) is a piece of SHIZNIT. and after waking me up at 6:30 am and telling me so, he throws it on the ground and says. "I don't even want it!" Mind you, I was sleeping so GOOOOOOOOD, until that point. *shakes head in disgust* I have practically lost all faith in the male species. no offense guys. Just in a bad mood today.

Does he NOT know what he does? Says?

All I could say this morning was.... NOTHING! I just gave him the look of... "huh? I just woke up... huh?" because thats how it was! BLAH... :mad: grrrrr!

My day is about to get better though. I get off work in UNA HORA! AND IM GOING SHOPPING!

I have a physical agility test this saturday. I need a new outfit. lol. Last years shorts dont fit me......(cause I lost about 1000 lbs!) YAY!

okay, I think I just talked myself out of my crappy ***** mood. :)

[Piper]

I just wanted to say that I hope things get better for you. I can't imagine what it would be like, so I offer you my thoughts and prayers.

Good luck on your physical test tomorrow.

:)

[jellybean40]

Originally posted by InSane1:
<STRONG>
He's done with his honeymoon phase. He's moved right along into the "tension building". Ever since I told him I wasn't goign to file the papers just yet he has become so lax and acting like his old self... rather than the "love note" I get a nice page of sarcasm to wake up to. Plus, all he wants to do is have sex..... :rolleyes:
</STRONG>

Glad to see you post, i was wondering how you were doing. and i see you were right, cuz you said he'd go back to his old-self.

just be careful and do whats best for you. hey, sometimes the sex is the last thing to go...my ex-husband and i were still having it after i moved out...i dont recommend that! just makes things tougher.

Keep smilin... and PM me if ya need to :)

[InSane1]

I figured I would edit this to get to the point. I decided to send in the paper work. It's in Mondays outgoing mail. I'm not waiting for the BI to be done.

[ 06-09-2002: Message edited by: InSane1 ]

[InSane1]

One question, What do I say to the BI if he asks?

[Fastie]

Insane, sorry to hear about what you've been going through. Every time I see this topic I think of "Dallas" so I never look at it. I hope everything goes well with the BI. How was the physical test? Hang in there... (shhh, don't tell anyone I said this... men suck..., well most of them)... :D

[jellybean40]

I wish you luck with everything... your life will turn around for the better now... Even if it takes a little time.

Remember, you deserve to be happy.

[InSane1]

The physical test and interview went well. I placed 4th again. BLAH.... WTF is up with that. Here is the crazy part. After the interview the Chief came out and told me he was glad to see me there and complimented me on my interview and said "I want you to know that your are the type of person that is goign to end up with four offers on the table, and it will be your choice of departments"

If I had a job offer for the amount of times I heard that I would be working by now. grrr.. it was nice to hear, and after he left I was talking to the interview greeter and asked her if he had come out to talk to anyof the other candidates. She said "No, you're the first". It was kinda cool, because he stood and talked to me for about ten minutes and even called me a few days later to tell me that I placed 4th. He told me that I only needed to update the information in my background packet rather than doing it over again. THANK GOD!!!!


hmmm... what else?... the physical agility went good. I actually did great. Passed that easily. It's only Pass/Fail, not scored. I could really tell that this Chief was very interested in me as a candidate because he really took the time out to make sure I knew I had done well, and it means a lot to me when it comes from the Chief of Police of the agency you just interviewed at. Oh yeah. And when he called he said they just got a resignation and would be hiring, (this agency was only creating an eligibility list during testing) So he told me they will be hiring someone off the list. Which means they would have to go through 3 people on the list before me. But their last list they hired the first two and started over..&gt; GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!

So thats about it in a nutshell. LOL big ***** nut huh? I know its a bit off topic but I should add that I am looking forward to receiving my paperwork back from the lawyer. Yet, Im quite nervous too!

[CinaC]

AWESOME!

Sounds like stuff is going great for ya'!

:)

This time in six months, you're going to be carrying a gun, wearing a badge, and freezing your butt off in the snow.

:D

[Don]

Originally posted by InSane1:
<STRONG>One question, What do I say to the BI if he asks?</STRONG>

Don't volunteer anything, but IF he asks (and he is likely to,) TELL HIM THE TRUTH. It's as simple as that.

So you came out # 4 on the list. This is NOT bad. Of course not as good as # 1, but it's still up there. You never know, perhaps the first three WILL turn it down or be disqualified for some reason or another. From what you are posting about the chief's interest in you, I would not be at all surprised to have you tell us you got hired in the next few weeks.

Keep your chin up, and don't give up! Good luck.

(edit) OBTW, I think you did the right thing by filing. From what you have posted, there really was NO reason to not go ahead and do it. Now you can get on with the rest of your life.

You will have times ahead, when you question what you did. THESE TIMES WILL PASS and you will realize how much better off you are.

[ 06-10-2002: Message edited by: Don ]

[InSane1]

you know? he really has no clue I have sent the paper work in. Which is a good thing. This morning when I left work, I left the envelope to be mailed from here. I was driving home and wondering if I did the right thing. I knew I did when the %%^*$*$%^*#$%^*#$*%&^%(*(&%(^$%%!!!!!! came home from work today and was pure jerk! I realized I was definately doing the right thing. I'm not so scared anymore, I'm actually relived. I know now in my heart of hearts that this is the right thing. There is no justification needed anymore. It was like my mind just opened up and I can see with just more than my eyes. I'm happy today. now Im stuck here all night doing police reports. ugggg.... rainy night so Im lagging. LOL.

[InSane1]

I got him to sign the papers to be prepared for filing about a week ago. Today, he wakes me up and wanted me to go look at the neighbors house with him. The neighbor has been thinking of selling and its a great investment, but not for me.

I reluctantly agree to go look at it. it needs a lot of work. So after I look at it, the neighbor and my husband were sitting there looking at me, like I was supposed to make an offer on the house. I just turned to my husband and said.. Well, I guess we have a little talking to do, but I have to go to work soon, gotta go and I headed for the door. We had to go have some other legal papers notarized, and on the way to the bank I told him that I really didnt want to get involved in an investment of that type because it needed a lot of work and money. I said, you know "J" they say couples tend to make big purchases in troubled marriages. I don't want to do that.

He proceeded to tell me that I was being stupid and selfish and only cared about myself. He also called me a few other names I cant remember, but all I knew was at that moment in time, he reminded me of what I hate about his demeanor. Uncontrollable tantrums/temper.

Small rant for my Husband:
Yanno, I refuse to be told Im selfish. SO WHAT IF I AM. I'm ALLOWED! allowed after having to put up with your MOFO shiznit for the past 13 years of my life. Think I want to go through the MASS fights it would entail if we bought that house? I couldn't stand the past 13 and I sure as hell cant put up with another 30 fricken years it would take to pay off the mortgage.. OH HELL NO!
*end rant*

He's obvisouly in denial. I can't beleive he thinks things are that okay with us that he would want me to purchase this house. I CANT... and I WONT.

It is a hard decision because I know its a great investment. But I would rather have new neighbors than new fights or ties with him. I finally told him I had to think about it just to get him off my back! And THAT, is the only selfish thing I did today.

[ 06-21-2002: Message edited by: InSane1 ]

[CinaC]

Are you moving out? Get a new place, take the kids -- get out.

Or kick him out.

[InSane1]

he's gonan have to go once this BI is over.. IF THEY EVER START.... I dont even think they started it yet.. this waiting is driving me INSANE... go figure?!?!?!?!

[jellybean40]

i dont understand why he would want to buy a house together NOW.

he MUST be in denial...or really believing you wont go thru with it. or is that the same thing??

hey, when i was getting ready to leave my ex-husband, he wanted us to have a baby! :mad: then he tried to say that was the reason the marriage didnt work...cuz i wouldnt.

scary how some people's minds work...

[InSane1]

WORD JB! It's because "I'm" not trying. Its like.... WTF? I have found it so hard to say "I Love You" to him these past few months. He says it to me... and I know I used to say it all the time and he would just say "yeah" or nothing at all. Now I am the one saying "uh huh" or "okay" when he says I love you. He's been saying it a lot lately. Being more of a sensitive type here and there, but I cant tell its all fake. It's scarey to look at someone and know they are struggling to hold on to something that is just going to slip away. Makes me afraid of what will happen in the furture.

I still have to admit that I'm scared, but I'm ready. Today I'm going camping with just me and the kids for three days. It will be interesting. I'm looking forward to it.

[Don]

Look here Insane, stop kidding yourself. There is NO REASON to wait until your BI is done to move out. YOU ARE STALLING which means you do not know that you are doing the right thing. You are playing the old "I'd Like To, BUT" game with yourself, and I doubt that you even realize it.

Girl it ain't gonna get any easier! Get off your butt and do what has to be done. This house stuff, is just HIS way of trying to keep you tied down!

IF YOU ARE GONNA DO IT, DAMNIT, DO IT!

Forgive me (or not as the case may be) for talking to you this way, but someone needs too!

I would not feel this strongly about it, if I had not spent 15 years of an 18 year marriage knowing it was a mistake! I will always be ****ed at myself for that waste of 15 years of my life! DON'T MAKE THE SAME MISTAKE! :mad:

[ 06-24-2002: Message edited by: Don ]

[jellybean40]

Youre so very right, Don.

[InSane1]

Well Don, I know what you're saying. Again last night we had a major discussion about this. I told him he has to find a place to live. I refuse to leave my house. NO WAY. I'm not giving that up. I just got back from a couple days of camping with the kids and all he wanted was affection and hugs and kisses and all that gropeing crap. I finally told him straight out. "no, I don't want you to touch me, I don't want to touch you" I told him a few other things I should say in front of others. I think he got the drift. I realize it seems that way, the whole maybe I should maybe I shouldn't. But I am definately going to do it. I have a few things to settle before I do. What more can I say. Maybe I am selfish. I have an agenda and its almost complete. *eg* Man I sound liek a Biotch. lol

[CinaC]

You ... you mean you're not?!

:D

[Don]

Glad to hear from you Insane! I was afraid that I'd offended you to the point of not hearing from you again. I understand now that you have your own agenda. This doesn't necessarily make you a "Biotch." (Interesting spelling there :D)

OTHER THINGS MIGHT, but not this! http://imbiss-coding.de/smiliez.de/smz/hntrhltg/hntrhltg_3.gif

[CinaC]

Today I'm going camping with just me and the kids for three days.

What, Don, you thought she was taking her computer into the wilderness?

[InSane1]

**cheesey azz smile**

today is a good day. I think. heh.

[InSane1]

I talked to the legal department today, they said at least 18 more days until they complete the typing. I cant handle this guys.

Edited for sanity. :)

Anyone got a cigarette? I think Im going to start chain smoking. heh. :(

[ 07-15-2002: Message edited by: InSane1 ]

[jellybean40]

i've been thru it, i know how youre feeling, believe me. and my ex- is a PO, it complicated things SO, SO much. in legal ways, in personal ways, in ways that i had to move from the town to get ANY privacy! even after i was divorced! i could tell you stories you wouldnt believe... and yes i was smoking thru it. ;)

its an awful thing to go thru, but the happiness at the end of the road is WORTH IT.

[MK219]

[ 07-13-2002: Message edited by: Krmptss ]

[InSane1]

Here's an update....

"BLAH"

need I say more. I'm going to my corner now to crawl up in a fetal position.

:(

:)

[jellybean40]

((((((( Insane1 )))))))

you'll get thru it. i KNOW it.

[Don]

Keep your chin up, it WILL get better. I know it is rough right now, and it is likely to be rough for a while. But as jb says you WILL get through it. And when you do, and look back on it, you will realize a couple of things. First that it really WAS worth it and second that you are a stronger person because of it!

Now, about that chain smoking. . .I've got to warn you that when those metal chain links get hot, they can give your lips one hell of a bad burn. Have a cigar instead of a chain! :D

[Sotex]

Insane1,

Don and the others are right, it does get better. Not long ago my marriage of 15 years ended. It was the hardest thing I've ever done, but it was also probably the best thing, too. In retrospect, it was over LONG before that, but we were too stubborn or blind to admit it. I and the kids, and I suspect even her, are far better off now. I have met someone who is so much more compatible with me that I cannot even describe it. It is like she is the person I have been searching for my whole life.
Best of luck to you. We do care and want to hear from you if you wish to keep us updated. That goes for you, too, ftrphxcop.
I can only imagine what you are going through. I find it hard to believe that someone who truly loves you would deliver such and ultimatum. Best wishes to both of you.

[InSane1]

Ftr I saw your other post. I'm glad you are going forward with you academy plans. I'm excited for you.

Update:

My mother and father found out about the pending divorce. We have both been keeping it under wraps until we are closer to the end. They gave him the ol "we still love you Jeff, you can come here anytime" He has been doing a lot of work on their house for them as of late and they really have a good bond with him. I can tell my father is upset with me that we are getting the divorce, but all I have to say is "Dad, there is much more to it". He is starting to understand.

Jeff, my H, he has made definate plans to purchase my neighbors house, which really bothers me. I can't imagine being able to go on with my life when he is just 100 ft away. I admit its a good purchase because there is 3.5 acres that adjoins our current 1 acre lot but I'm still very uncomfortable with the thought of still having to see him everyday. I feel he will be watching my every move which is disturbing. The kids don't know quite yet, but have mentioned that "dad is moving into the house next door" I think my 9 year old knows we are going to divorce, but she hasnt said much to me about it, she is just dropping subtle hints that she knows.

We have agreed on the division of property within the house, but I have noticed him spending the money so as to have just enough in the bank to cover bills. I think he's stealing money from the account. He took $250.00 out of the savings account and we just deposited over 30K in another savings account that we both have access to. Im nervous that he will reneg on our original division of the money.

He told my children not to tell me he was going to purchase a camero for $4500.00 and Im just wondering exactly where he plans on getting that money. He told me he was going to be putting all of his money into the house he is buying, so Im afraid he will be making a large withdrawl without my knowing.

What he does with his portion, I dont care... but I fear he will take what we have left in one account before we divorce, which ****es me off to no end.

He said he's going to tell his father this week, which will be a nightmare. His father has been divorced twice and has plenty of vindictive thoughts towards both of his ex's. I'm afraid he's going to feed crap into Jeff's mind and tell him Im going to take everything. Grrrrr....

I guess all I can do is wait it out.

[jellybean40]

i cant remember if you said you had a lawyer...if so, tell them whats going on. its not right. money and possessions arent everything in life, but fair is fair. hes F-ing with you.

you KNOW what i think about the house next door idea!! and only because of the aspects of the relationship you've told me about. i'm gonna PM you about this.

[ 07-22-2002: Message edited by: jellybean40 ]

[InSane1]

Today Jeff and I told the kids. But I knew they pretty much already knew....

they are okay with it... but my little girl tended to ask questions through her cat..... "Rose wants to know where she's going to live"...

stuff like that. was sweet. I hope they can deal with this... they looked uncomfortable talking about it... yanno... not paying attention and stuff. I sure hope they can adjust.... yanno.. the other day my little girl said to me... "Mom, if dad moves out, we wont have any money"..lol...I had to explain that I get paid too. It was funny.

Ugg I called the legal service today. They said paperwork will be done by the end of next week. YAY.

[CinaC]

What? Women get paid? Since when?

:D

[jarhead6073]

You know Crazy, this is no longer a male domintated society and women should get equal pay for equal work! Your conservative views need some enlightening! lmao... hahahahah!

[shorty]

Insane, I think that you can have all of the assests froze until the divorce is final and then the lawyers will make sure it is split evenly. It might be worth a phone call to find out before he takes you for all you're worth! And they think women are bad with money!!!! :D

[Mitzi]

Divorce is really hard for me to understand. Maybe that's because it can't be understood.
I took my sons divorce very hard. Thank God there were no children involved.
In his case, he was submissive until he caught them together. Then, he stood up and stepped up.
I will always be thankful to God that he was by our sons side. But, what I never understood was the cruelty. Granted, I'm sure my son had a part in this. He admit he was a wimp and that things might have gone better if he had stood up tp her and not taken her verbal abuse. But he loved her so much and tried so hard to save his marriage. I could not believe what she said to him. "I didn't love you when I married you. I gave you a chance to make me love you and you didn't." How immature and unfeeling can a person be?
Life seemed to be spiraling out of control, what with his illness then her doing what she did. The closer the divorce got, the worse she got. It was so bad that, when our son's lawyer met her at the mediation, he was so appalled. He gave our son a 25% discount, saving him almost 500$.
It was heartbreaking and the last time I saw her, she made a snide remark to me about at least SHE didn't have to live with her Mommy and Daddy. I could have been really cruel and told her the truth that that was because neither of them cared about it. That was the truth too. She's been a bother to them since she was born and was raised by her grandmother the first 2 years of her life because her parents just couldn't take her crying and diapers.
But, instead, I said to her, "You know, you really need to find out why you play with peoples lives this way. Because someday, you might not get someone who is stable enough to deal with the crappy things you are capable of saying and doing to people." She didn't know what to say and for a brief moment, I could tell she wanted to run to me and have my arms around her. I am the mother type and she knew it. But, I just turned and walked away. As far as I was concerned, she was beyond help.
But, my son is doing well and she is never discussed. One funny thing tho.....She and I go to the same beauty salon. A few times, we have run into each other and the people there hold their breaths. lol But, now I'm smart, I call the day of my appt and if she is scheduled at all, I cancel and make it the next day.
It's the best thing for all concerned.
I sure was one heartbroken Mom tho. Not as heartbroken as my son tho.

[sandie]

Divorce is very hard to deal with, I know. But its even worse when you have a lame lawyer who ends up getting disbarred for liking his foster sons a little too much. My first husband was going through a ruff period in his life, lost his job he dearly loved and whatever else was going on in his head. One day he tells me he hated me and thought I wasnt such a good person after all. Well, thats when it all began. A few things happened, no need to go into a long detailed list. But it all ended up that my best friend, a woman I met on the net and kept great contact with, her and my "husband" were a "couple" via email. He tells me he loved her. Well a few more things happened, i went on a trip to clear my head and when I came back we were going to make it work. HOWEVER, he neglected to tell his "girlfriend" to stop calling and emailing and sending him things. Basically he wanted his cake and eat it too, I wouldnt stand for it. So, we decided to end it. Thats when I met my beloved klar (love of my life). At this time my "then" husband and I had went to the same lawyer, it was going to be a friendly divorce since we agreed on ending it mutually. Well, the lawyer lost our paper work during his move of his office. Then, after awhile of STILL waiting for papers, we read that he was arrested for molesting his foster sons. So this friendly divorce, one where everything was split mutually and the custody was agreed upon (after a few nasty situations, but in the end it worked out) ended up taking over 2 years to end. There was alot of pain involved, and the lawyer stuff didnt help at all. But now, I am happily married to my sweet husband klar, and my ex husband is married to his cyber hussy err girlfriend (noooo Im not bitter! lol) Just so you know tho, I keep peace for the sake of my children. We unfortunatly made them a statistic, but that doesnt mean it has to be all nasty for them. I even let them call "her" mom and they call klar "dad." Their dad and I live a half a country away from each other, so, we decided it would give the boys a sence of "family" having a mom and dad in the same house when they are with us...hope that made sence?! lol
All in all, I hold my tongue and remember I am happier now then ever and thats what is important.

So ya see Insane1...it may suck now...but...it all DOES work out! Just be smart, and be patient. Your a strong woman going by things Ive read, you'll survive :)

[sandie]

[QUOTE]Originally posted by InSane1:
[QB]Today Jeff and I told the kids. But I knew they pretty much already knew....

they are okay with it... but my little girl tended to ask questions through her cat..... "Rose wants to know where she's going to live"...

stuff like that. was sweet. I hope they can deal with this... they looked uncomfortable talking about it... yanno... not paying attention and stuff. I sure hope they can adjust.... yanno.. the other day my little girl said to me... "Mom, if dad moves out, we wont have any money"..lol...I had to explain that I get paid too. It was funny.


Kids adjust better then you think they do. As long as you make them feel secure in the process, they get through it. My oldest son said to me just before he went to spend the summer with his dad, "Mom, ya know, you and dad being divorced isnt so bad. I thought it would be but, its pretty cool having two moms and two dads and two dogs and two cats and two homes and all these new grandparents and cousins...wow, my family got bigger! Its also cool that you and dad get along now mommy."
when he said all that, I knew that even tho there was alot of pain, and awkwardness and crying, in the end it worked out ok. And as my son said, my ex and I get along better now, then we did when we were married. For that, Im grateful.

[InSane1]

CJ "What? Women get paid? Since when?"

Do you have any control over how creepy you can get? :mad: :)



jarhead6073:
"You know Crazy, this is no longer a male domintated society and women should get equal pay for equal work! Your conservative views need some enlightening! lmao... hahahahah! "

What's that you say???? Huh??? WHa??? better just remember I got your CCH. DOH!

:eek:

[InSane1]

well guys.. tomarrow I go and sign the papers.. and officailly file with the county.. kinda not sure what I should say......or if I should say anything to the bi investigators about it... thing is... marital status shouldnt be an issue in determining if I fit in their department....
My main worry is that when I file.. my name is going to be changed back to my maiden name.. which might seem odd in the middle of a background if I go in for a medical exam and say.. ahhhh my name is *&(^%(* now. anyone have any advice?... I really like my maiden name because its hispanic sounding and I prefer that rather than the errr...."german" sounding name... although... the german name is kinda cool. ugg.. undecided ....

keep in mind, I filled out this background packet in march.....so it was a while ago...

HELP?!?!

[Piper]

Do you have to change your name right away???

[danceswithfools]

Don't be mad at me, simply some observations,...and you asked.

Divorce is all to common in police work. Everybody knows and accepts that rather unpleasant fact. But, you're in a different set of circumstances at the moment. To answer your question, about name changes, probably doesn't matter much. As for the divorce itself, that really depends on the department. Where I work now, it wouldn't matter at all, but the PD I came from, it would matter. How the one you are applying to will react,...only they can say for sure.

Take care and good luck.

[InSane1]

So I probably have to live with the married name for a while... I wonder if I can just change it after my BI is over. I' am goign to call up legal services .. dang it..

[InSane1]

also..... in Minnesota it says that perspective employers cant ask for marital status. I'm a firm believer that it should have no bearing on whether or not I will make a good police officer or not.

[CinaC]

Do you have any control over how creepy you can get?

I need to start using "/sarcasm" tags. :D

"You know Crazy, this is no longer a male domintated society and women should get equal pay for equal work! Your conservative views need some enlightening! lmao... hahahahah! "

LOL Jarhead! :D

[Snoopy1]

FtrPhx Don't stay in an unhappy marriage just because you're afraid to be alone.

My ex and I separated two months before my youngest daughter was born. A few months after the divorce he took off and never came near the children again. This left me living with my parents and working to support three children. Strangely, this was the happiest time of my life. I had always wanted to marry someone I could be happy with, quit working and stay home with my children but it didn't work out that way.

He died a few years ago. I won't go into the disgusting details of what he had been doing during his long absence. I sincerely believe that in some cases divorce, although not an ideal solution, is the best for all concerned. If you had what it takes to get you this far, you can make it on your own.

Good luck with whatever decision you make.

[InSane1]

I have decided to just contact the BI investigator on Monday. I Dont know how to explain that Im getting a divorce. I hope she doesnt ask why. How could I possibly answer that in one day? LOL.


But seriously... I think I'm just going to say that "I have been considering it for a while and it wasnt until recently that we decided to go ahead with the plans to divorce. I plan on filing the papers this week and wanted to let you know, because the bg packet requested information on civil filings."

does that sound lame?

[ 08-03-2002: Message edited by: InSane1 ]

[jellybean40]

I cant comment on the B/I stuff, and what to say, cuz as you know I"m not a cop.

but as far as the name change, here in Jersey it's *free* with the divorce papers if you want it. if you do it later, it costs like $350. not sure why...

i did it with my divorce. i just figured he'd marry one day and i didnt want to be Mrs. D....n along with her lol. actually, i felt like my maiden name was my *real* name anyway. my sisters were both married a very long time before they got divorced (18 and 23 years) and they kept their married names. also they are teachers and thought it best not to confuse the kids lol.

PS. send me an email if ya get time...let me know how you are. my P/M is not working...

jellybean40@webtv.net

[ 08-03-2002: Message edited by: jellybean40 ]

[InSane1]

Yanno, I want to keep the married name cause its looks cool as Officer "----". DAMN DECISIONS.

[JKT]

InSane1: (I'll spell it right this time)

As far as the background goes, by all means, report your intentions to them. They will also probably want copied of your papers when they are filed. (We don't do this, but other agencies do.)

It's always easier to volunteer the information, than have to explain it when THEY bring it up.

[Blonde Heat]

Thanks for the suggestions guys. I have decided to ride it out. The marriage and the academy. It will be his decision to take a walk. My sister once asked me why don't i just do it since i taked about it occasionally and the first thing popped into my mind was how bitter she became after her divorce towards anyone who had a husband. So i told her i never wanted to be like her. And thats why i stay married. Its just easier to stay married then to deal with the hassle it takes to disolve 16 years of your life. And i keep thinkin about the kids. :(

[jellybean40]

To me, the only reason to stay in a marriage is, that it makes you happy. You love the person, you feel fulfilled by their love, they make you feel good about yourself. I never *believed* in divorce, and i got married thinking it would be forever. Even with all he did, i still wanted us to go to counseling and try to work it out, he wouldnt admit to doing a thing and thus felt he didnt need counseling. I am much happier now.

Nobody is happy 24/7, but nobody should stay in an unhappy relationship either. JMHO.

[sandie]

#1...Im German, amungst other nationalities, and I had a very plain maiden name, theres NOTHING wrong with non-Hispanic last names.


#2.. I know Im not a "cop" but I really dont understand what the big deal is about explaining WHY you got divorced. Its a personal decision and its noones business anyway.

#3.. klar's ex wife kept her married last name, and I absolutly HATE that fact that she has it. I wish men can do something about making sure their ex wives dont keep their last name IF they dont want them to have it.

[Snoopy1]

I kept my married name after my divorce simply because I didn't want to call myself Miss **** when I had three children. I just felt the kids and I should share a last name unless I remarried.

[InSane1]

#1, He wants me to keep his last name.
#2, I'm still thinking about it.
#3, I'm still thinking about it.

[sandie]

Originally posted by Snoopy1:
<STRONG>I kept my married name after my divorce simply because I didn't want to call myself Miss **** when I had three children. I just felt the kids and I should share a last name unless I remarried.</STRONG>


I can totally understand that. I have 3 children with my first husband too, did the same thing. My divorce was final in December, and I was married again the following June. However, I would NOT of kept it if I knew I wasnt getting married soon. I would of changed it back to my maiden name. I can see all the reasoning for the ex wife to keep the married name, and understand it. However, I just feel the man has the right to protect his family name and keep it with just that the "family." And I fully expect comments back from what I just said and thats fine, but frankly I have seen alot of divorces and child custody issues that all roll in the womans favor and the man gets screwed out of his right to happiness. It takes two to make a marriage, make a child and also end a marriage therefore there is always two sides to EVERY divorce. Been there, done that still experiencing it with klar's ex. I have seen and experienced both sides of the coin, this is all just my OPINION and not meant to offend anyone.

[InSane1]

My H is a nice guy. He's cute, he's a hard worker, the problems I have are unadmitable. I have my own justification. Things I would never post.

It's not my intention to bear false witness to him. He's a great father, yet when he is upset, he tends to ROAR. I know people can relate when I say, I feel like I'm "walking on eggshells" most days, unsure and hoping he comes home from work in a good mood.

I think he couls be an excellent husband.... to someone else. Just not me.

As far as the name issue goes... I think a woman has every right to keep the name if she so desires. when I asked what others thought.... they said.. Why would you want it? It's just a reminder of something you want to forget. ..... I thought that was sorta interesting. lol

[Snoopy1]

In my case there was the thought in the back of my mind that if I used my maiden name new people I met would think I had never been married to the children's father. I would be constantly explaining yes, we were married once, but I use my maiden name now that we're divorced. What other people thought mattered to me. Call it pride, self-respect or whatever, I didn't want anyone getting the idea I had 3 children by a man I had just shacked up with.

[sandie]

As far as the name issue goes... I think a woman has every right to keep the name if she so desires. when I asked what others thought.... they said.. Why would you want it? It's just a reminder of something you want to forget. ..... I thought that was sorta interesting. lol[/QB][/QUOTE]

And thats fine, I respect your opinion. I just also think its a man's right to protect his family name. I think it all depends on the "ex wife" tho. Some ex wives, namely klar's, do not deserve their last name because of some of the things shes done to not only him, but other members of his family. When the ex wife does that how fair is it to the man and his family? Yet, I also know a couple who divorced and it was a friendly divorce and she kept the name due to the kids but she had asked if it was ok with her ex husband first, now thats fine too. I think maybe I blanketed the "name issue" too much. The name should depend on who the people are and the situation they are in. Im sorry if I blanketed that issue, didnt mean to.

[jarhead6073]

Originally posted by InSane1:
<STRONG>As far as the name issue goes... I think a woman has every right to keep the name if she so desires. </STRONG>

You could just do like my wife did and just keep your maiden name. I don't think it's a big deal except when people call me Mr. (her last name) Even then it's not a big deal, just a little awkward.

[Don]

Originally posted by jellybean40:
<STRONG>To me, the only reason to stay in a marriage is, that it makes you happy. You love the person, you feel fulfilled by their love, they make you feel good about yourself. I never *believed* in divorce, and i got married thinking it would be forever. </STRONG>
AMEN!
<STRONG>
Nobody is happy 24/7, but nobody should stay in an unhappy relationship either. JMHO.</STRONG>
Jelly, I could not agree with you more! You have nailed it!

[Don]

Originally posted by InSane1:
<STRONG>My H is a nice guy. He's cute, he's a hard worker, the problems I have are unadmitable. I have my own justification. Things I would never post.
</STRONG>
There is certainly no reason for you to go into your highly personal REASONS (I will NOT call them justifications, because that indicates a sort of trying to excuse your actions. Your actions NEED no excuse to anyone!) on this forum, or for that matter with your BI. If the BI asks "why" just say something like "we just can't get along." It is really NONE of their business, any more than it is ours!

Being a "nice guy," being "cute," and being "a hard worker" certainly are not the criteria for a good husband! Not saying that these qualitys hurt anything, it's just that they are pretty hollow.
<STRONG>
I know people can relate when I say, I feel like I'm "walking on eggshells" most days, unsure and hoping he comes home from work in a good mood. </STRONG>
And there is NO reason why you should have to walk on eggshells. If he is not in a good mood, it SHOULD be "his problem" not yours!
<STRONG>
I think he couls be an excellent husband.... to someone else. Just not me. </STRONG>
Maybe, or maybe not. But isn't it nice to know that it's not your problem?! :D
<STRONG>
It's just a reminder of something you want to forget. </STRONG>
Do exactly what YOU want to do here. I can tell you that you will NEVER forget a marriage, good or bad. You will get "over" it, or you will get "used" to it, but you won't forget it.

You put it behind you and go on with your life. Then some stupid thing or another pops up and reminds you of something (either good OR bad,) but after a time, this doesn't bother you anymore. You have learned to live with it.

It is a part of your history, a part of who you are, and why you are who you are. It's nothing to be either ashamed or proud of. It's just "there."

[InSane1]

well today was the big day. It's all paid for. I filed the paper work with the county and Im officially in preceedings. I'm waiting for my court date. Looking forward to it. you have no idea.... I'm REALLY looking forward to it. I thought I would be in more of a struggle with it, but I'm not..... I cant wait until he moves out... COUNTING THE DAYS. I have Fabulous plans for the closet... lol...

[Evnings]

Divorce sucks. I miss my kids. I miss my dogs, I even miss my wife. I'm halfway through the process now and I hate it. I didn't want the divorce. I treated her and my children extremely well and I loved them all very dearly.

One day the little bride comes home, says she's not happy, life is too short, and she wants me out the door. Gee whiz, there were alot of times I wasn't happy, but I didn't want to leave her.

She has yet to give me a reason I can understand why she wants a divorce. Sometimes I can hardly wait for the divorce to be final so I can go out with a trophy date. But then I look in the mirror and see a man that is 42 and spent 16 years married to the same woman and was a devoted family man. It's then that I just don't
see myself out with a trophy date.

What really scares me about divorce is dying alone. The other day I worked a death scene on a really old man who had been single all his life. He died all alone in his bathroom. I looked at him and thought to myself in 30 years or so, that is going to be me. I'm going to die alone in the bathroom with pants down around my ankles.
I have been to way too many deaths similiar to this one. I just don't see any dignity in it.

I miss my kids so bad it hurts. I was so used to driving by the house at anytime to see my kids. Now if I drive by, she calls her attorney and says that I am harrassing her. Give me a break. I just wanted to see my kids for just a few minutes.

I even miss coming home from a long day at work, taking a shower, then laying in bed with her, watching Friends, Everyone Loves Raymond, and talking about what had happened that day.

Divorce has made me feel like trash. Everyone says I should look at at as a new begining. The only new begining I see in it is loneliness and my heart being broken. I don't sleep well at all and I'm loosing weight. My attention span is shot and I am increasingly forgetful

I don't see anything good coming out of divorce. I'm suffering, my kids are suffering. Even my dogs are suffering. One of them got so upset, she nearly lost all her fur. She wouldn't even let me have my favorite dog, which was the one that was loosing its fur.

This all because, " I'm not happy ". If God had wanted us to be happy all the time, we wouldn't be capable of frowning.

[jellybean40]

It WILL get better.. believe me.

i know its an incredible amount of pain. i sent ya a P/M

[InSane1]

Evnings, I know exactly how you feel when you say afraid of dying alone.

That is probably one of the biggest reasons I hesitated for so long. There is a fear that there won't be someone there to hold me when I need touching. It is hard for me to think about ever being so close and open to someone else, for pure fear that it would only end in disaster. Will they turn on me? It's difficult to think I would ever trust a man 100% ever again. Hell I thought about going BI just because women are more caring.. then I thought.. Thats gross, I can't imagine touching a woman... ewww ewww ewww. (no smart *** comments folks..lol)

I don't know what it is like being on the other end. You give me a small look into what my husband might be feeling. I can tell it upsets him. It breaks my heart to know I am causing him any amount of pain only in the fact that I do care about him.

Today was a reminder of why I cant do it any longer though. He gets everyone upset when he is. Eggshells again.

Did I mention the bank sent him something saying that he wasn't approved now. I felt sorta bad for him. but actually kind of relieved. Then again, he went out and bought two Effin cars that are now parked in my driveway, one of which truely makes my land look "WT". This shiznit has to go(the cars). I cant wait until its over. I look forward to the day he is gone only because I want my house to look nice instead of like some gearhead lives there. I have so many car parts and powertools there, I could open up a fricken Sears.

Evnings, I'm sorry you are going through it too.

[Snoopy1]

Evenings, I went the divorce route in 1970. Unlike you, my ex never came near the kids after the first few months. Every couple of years I would get a phone call from him but he never mentioned wanting to see his children. He was really mixed up, and I often wondered if he stayed away because he didn't care or because he thought they were better off without him. I will never know the answer to that question because he died a few years ago.

You will survive this terrible experience. It may not seem like it now, but you will. You don't sound like you deserve any of this. Don't let it make you bitter. Perhaps some day your ex will realize she is hurting the kids and become a little less spiteful. Perhaps you will meet someone else and be really happy with her. I hope so. It has been known to happen. Perhaps it will happen to you if you let it.

[Mrs. Fish]

Insane1,

I am very late in this topic but just my two cents I'd like to share.

Get yourself a good divorce lawyer and tell this paralegal, thanks but no thanks.

Your husband definitely has something up his sleeves, and if you hire a paralegal, you won't find out what that something is until the deal is done. You know you soon-to-be-ex, and if he is being uncharacteristically quiet and agreeable, that is probably because he isn't about to tell you his plans to do you in.

Can he possibly have assets that you don't know about? Might there be stipulations in the agreement where he can get the kids and the house back if say, you were to re-marry, start parting your hair on the left side or some such? The fine lines, I am talking about, and already, your gut is telling you that something may not be white in the milk.

My humble take

Mrs. Fiiiiiiiish

[Kendi]

If you have a divorce and co-parenting plan written up and submitted to the courts, and the judge issues the divorce decree based upon what you've both agreed to, then what could he concoct that would go up against that?

Seriously: if you think he's got something up his sleeve, then you need to approach the divorce as adversaries and hire a lawyer (as will he). If you think you've covered all the bases and haven't left any room for him to blindside you with something after the divorce has been granted, then proceed as co-petitioners.

As for what men think while going through the process, that's a question no one can answer. The question is, what is YOUR man thinking while going through this process? My ex and I did the co-petitioner thing, and we both sat down and went through the list of stuff and wrote up a parenting plan together and the whole deal, we submitted the papers and are awaiting the judgement. What was I thinking? "I'd like to make this as painless as possible for our children, and as inexpensive as possible for myself."

Good luck. Don't ignore your gut feelings; you know the guy much better than we do.

[Don]

Evnings, you are going through hell right now. I know, I've been there. Twice. Listen to us when we tell you it will pass. It will.

You are not experiencing anything that most of us who have gone this route didn't experience. The feeling of absolute "alone-ness" is almost unbearable. The fear of dying alone is quite normal. The loneliness and fear will eventually pass.

The guilt stage is coming up. Once you get past the sorrow, you will begin to feel guilt. WHY DIDN'T I DO [whatever] HOW COULD I POSSIBLY HAVE [whatever your imagination cooks up]

What you have to do, and it is NOT easy, is to sit down and think about where you are NOW. What you life is right NOW, and where you want to take it NOW that you have moved into a new phase.

Man I hurt for you, because I know what you are going through. But you will get through it.

The Trophy Date: Probably a big waste of time, and possibly something that may really throw you into a depression. (I dated a girl that was YOUNGER than my son, for a short while.) :rolleyes:

Don't be in a hurry. Life WILL go on, and so will you.

OK, you are 42 and were married for 16 years. I was a little older and married for 18 years. Thing is that I feel that at LEAST 15 of those 18 years I was wasting my time. But I stayed for the kids. Now, I believe that was a mistake.

Kids know when things are NOT right. IMHO they are better off in a peaceful home with one parent than in a constant battle field with two parents.

I swore I'd never marry again. I swore I'd never ever let myself get close enough to any woman to get involved.

Oh sure, I dated some. But if somebody started getting serious, man I was out of there!

And then, guess what. When I was finally over most of my anxiety, most of my loneliness was behind me, I met the woman that I SHOULD have met in my 20's.

We've been very happily married for ten years now!

Don't despair, things do have a way of working out.

Perhaps I should have put this in a PM, but maybe others will see it and draw something from it.

[Evnings]

Thanks Don and the the others that have given me words of encouragement and told me what to expect out of myself.

It has really helped.

But I still want to date a long legged 18 year old blonde at least once :D .

[InSane1]

For some reason I think he's moved on to the acceptance phase..lol... YAY.. okay Im not quite 18, and Im sorta short.... but HEY!!!!lol just jokin

[Snoopy1]

Evenings, that last line sounds like you're feeling better today.

In my case, the toughest part was that even though I knew I was doing what was best for myself and the kids I still felt sorry for my ex because of the way he had messed up his life. One of his problems was an apparent desire to help support every bartender in the county. :D We won't go into his other weakness. I'll just say it wasn't drugs so you can probably guess what it was.

Spend as much time as you can with your kids and let them know you love them. You can still have a relationship with them but don't put them in the position of thinking they have to take sides. It's probably a little too soon to start dating again. The kids might resent it if they found out and are old enough to understand. Let the dust settle first.

Although you are young enough to be my son, I don't consider myself an expert in the advice department. Every situation is a little different. Good luck.

[InSane1]

Well, here's an update.

Tomarrow was supposed to be his closing on the house, but its been pushed back to friday.. very interesting. I dont know if I mentioned before that a court date was set for sept. 30th.... COULD THAT BE ANY LONGER AWAY?

He's having a real hard time getting into this house because his name is on our deed. I sorta feel bad for him, but what can I do? I told him he should just sign a quit claim deed and take his name off the mortgage. Not sure if its that simple, but I dont know why not. Its already in the divorce papers that if and when I sell the house he will get half of the proceeds. I would never reneg on that or anything that I say I will do.

Lately we have had a chance to talk about a lot of things and I cant help but get very sad that we are doing this, but just when I start feeling sorry for him again he snaps and roars at me or the kids. I sometimes think maybe he wouldnt be like that if I didnt ask a question or .... wait... WTF am I saying????.. MAN!!!!!

Pshhh... can you tell it confuses me? He can be so loving somedays and moments, but then he turns into a completeely different person. He had to stop himself from calling me a "C*NT" today. Why??? I HAVE NO FRICKEN IDEA. I just looked at him and smiled and said.. were you about to call me a "C*nT"? he was like... "yeah but I have to be nice to everybody who is F***ing me over". And we laughed ..I dont know why he laughed, but I was laughing because I was in disbelief. It's like.. "do you(H) even realize how that sounds to me?"

*shakes head*

I hate thinking about it. Im scared. Im excited. I'm confused. I swear... I WILL NEVER EVER get married again. NEVERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR
RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR
RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR
RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR
RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!

Edited to add: I realized one of my last posts said that he got the denial letter from the bank. And he did, but they were working the numbers hard. They keep telling him he will get it, but then the underwriter comes back with something else. Apparently the bank has some weird policy of having one person on two mortgage claiming homestead.

IS ANYONE A REAL ESTATE AGENT OUT THERE?

<small>[ 08-20-2002, 07:10 AM: Message edited by: InSane1 ]</small>

[jellybean40]

I'm surprised he is able to buy a house while youre getting ready for a divorce. i thought there was something about freezing assets. i dont know. i'm just confused lol.

[InSane1]

I dont know about that. I do know that we didnt need to list out savings and checking accounts on the divorce papers due to the fact that we agreed on the money division. so far so good... I think..lol.

He told me today that he DID talk to the mortgage guy and he said it was a "go" for friday. Now he said the neighbor told him he wouldnt be able to move out until next wednesday. YIKES... he was ****ed. Not at me.. thank God.. heh....

Okay on a lighter note... I love the Castaway theme song. YOU GUYS SO HAVE TO DOWNLOAD IT! It makes me think.. its a solice thang.. :)

[Don]

Hey Nutty, it's not at all surprising that you are confused right now. You are on an emotional rollercoaster, that will continue for some time. You question if you are doing the right thing or not, and very likely even after all is done and the final decree is issued you will continue to question it. But only at times. Other times you will be able to see that it was exactly the right thing to do.

Don't be at all surprised to see a temporary personality change in yourself. Trust me, it will pass. I still think that your best bet here is to (once the divorce is final) sell the house and get the hell away from him. It is really the only way that you are going to heal up and be able to get on with your life. As a matter of fact, it's also the only way HE will be able to heal up and get on with his life.

For the life of me, I don't understand why he is buying the house next door. But if I were you, I'd be slightly concerned about it. He obviously still want to keep tabs on you, and this is NOT a good sign.

I don't want to frighten you here, but it almost sounds as if he is planning on stalking you. Hope I'm wrong.

[InSane1]

lol possibly he is planning that... .. who da hell knows. I have to be honest... it is a good investiment. He could easily sell the house for a lot more than he's paying for it. They want someone to buy it quick because if not then they have to pay captil gains taxes on the property. the house appraised last year at 270K but they are selling it for 190K. it has 3.5 acres which are zoned commercial and I think he plans on selling off the lot that borders the highway.

either way.. I will sell the house as soon as I get a real job. with what I make right now, its inconceivable for me to sell. I would make only about 30K on this house because I'df have to give him half the proceeds... I think I can probably get something closer to 50K in a couple more years.

[InSane1]

Okay, maybe its just in the air today but husbands are bad. BAD BAD BAD.

So I found out the title work isnt done on the house that H is buying, which means HE ISNT MOVING OUT YET&gt;.. :(

Then my check engine light came on in my car, so I stopped off before work to have it looked at, and they said just change your spark plug and plug wire, it should be fine. They did a $70 diagnostic for me for free cause they knew I worked at the PD... (I like that perk)

So I called up my H and told him what happened and asked if he would pick up the parts for me. He said sure.

Here's that bad part. He calls me up at work and decides to say "wake me up when you get home and I'll fix it for you. But you have to wake me up nicely." And I KNOW what he meant. But HELL NO. Im so sick of this. So now I have to be a effin whore to get my car fixed? He said a few more things to that effect and he hung up on me because I said "F-U"... and at that point I was furious. I called back and left a message on his voice mail..."I will not be a whore for you, I will go get it fixed by someone else"

Grr.. Im ****ed.

DINK!!!!!!!!!

[jarhead6073]

Dude, I can fix your car. That's easy. And I work for free.

[InSane1]

Im serious.... Are you any good? :) Im anal about that stuff. I kinda know how to put spark plugs in, just not so sure about the wires. I can see myself disconecting the wrong shiznit. I know its a matter of round in the round hole square in the square hole... lol...but i'm not really mechanically inclined.

Send all your credentials. I'll look over your resume. LOL.

[InSane1]

Okay Guys...... Tomarrow..... Tomarrow... I love ya.. Tomarrow.. TOMARROW is the day he closes and has a NEW PLACE! Im pretty excited. I'm not sure if he's going to quite sleep there tomarrow, but no matter cause im going out tomarrow!!!! MAN, its very interesting. I'm excited!

I have been working on my basement to make it the primary living room area so the kids stay out of the front room. (they are MESSY) I cant wait until he moves all his junk out. I'm going to have SO MUCH SPACE to do what I want to do.

Anyone know how to put in a ceramic floor? MAN, this is just going to be a very interesting 24 hours. IM SO EXCITED!!!!! *did I already say that?*

then all I have to do is wait for Sept. 30th to come around! (court date) I wonder if its finalized immediately once the judge lays the smack down with the gavel or not. ANyone know? OH MAN.... I love new beginings....

*pleasantly skips away like a 5 year old with a lollipop*

:)

[207]

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by InSane1:
<strong>
Anyone know how to put in a ceramic floor? MAN, this is just going to be a very interesting 24 hours. IM SO EXCITED!!!!! *did I already say that?*
:) </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Yup, sounds like you're excited.... putting down tile is not that difficult. The key is do not start from a wall and work outwards, walls are not straight. You'll have to find and create a "centerline", this is done with a chaulk line (the kids will love playing with this) and work outwards towards the walls. Generally the centerline will be the the center of the entry to the room or or a doorway or opening on the opposite side of the room from the entry. This "line" is what makes it eye appealing as one enters the room.
Lay the tiles out in a "dry run", NO mastic and no you don't put them all down, to see what it looks like first and how it going to meet the walls, etc and make changes then. Once you get it to your liking, apply the mastic and set the tiles. Once the mastic (or cement) dries, which usually around 24 hours, you mix up a batch of grout and apply that diagonally to fill the gaps. As your going along with the grout use a bucket of water and damp sponge off the excess as you go along it makes buffing the "haze" off easier after the grout dries. then you apply a sealer.
If this is going to be in a frequent drop zone I would suggest using a smaller type tile. I put 8x8's down in my kitchen and I've got a few that have sustained cracks from things being dropped on them, like plates & glasses, etc. So, when you buy the tile buy enough for the job at hand and some for repairing damaged ones. If all of the tile is not from the same batch, the color and patterns vary when they come out of the kiln at the factory or may be discontinued.
Anyway, Home Depot, Lowes, etc. can give you all the advice you need to complete a tile job. I know Home Depot has had "how to" classes on the installation of tile.

How about a hardwood floor?? I like the look of red oak with a water based clear applied. :D I did the floors, window sills, stairway facia, made a handrail......

[InSane1]

I'm putting Cedar basboard in case of any moisture. And pine wood panels on the lower half that I've stained with a colonial Maple. OH MAN.... Once its finished I'll post pictures someplace on the web. I have mostly Maple throughout my house and I wanted the decor to match somewhat. I have planned on making a bar area in the ceraminc part and plan on carpeting the dry area of the basment, (where the entertainment center will go) I still have to think about what type of entertainment center I'm going to buy.
This portion of the basement is about 40'X 16'. I'm trying to do it slowly but want to have it finished in about two months, before the holidays so I can have my mom and dad over. I CANT BELVIEVE I CAN ACTUALLY INVITE MY SISTER AND HER HUSBAND OVER WITHOUT WORRYING ABOUT MY H! I love the thought of having my own space and Life. If I end up alone at least I'll have a really really nice basement... teeheehee... :)

[207]

I know what you mean.. we close this Friday on the house, which has a full basement, we're going from a 1372 sq ft condo to a 2700+ sq ft house plus it has a 2 car garage that also has 2 storage rooms attached to it. Lots of room... so, I have a feeling my wife is going to buy a lot more stuff... unless she has already. :confused:

[InSane1]

I went to the hardwarte store today and figured out it is going to be about as much as I thought.... now im just picking oput the colors...

Now on a second note.... my H closed on the house today.. its officail.. he actually bought the neighbors house.. scarey huh?... from the sounds of it he will be moving on Friday.. YAY.. although.. I know what is in store.. It will be a day of fighting about how much help I should give him while moving. ...

Thing is.. its my birthday on Friday and I plan on going out with some cousins to celebrate...... I think I should have the kids sleep at my sis's house so they aren't subjected to his verbal reprimand for not helping him... I know him too well. I know he will yell at them for stupid shiznit.

I KNOW I will help by being scarce. NOT..lol.. man.. I just cant wait until all his stuff is out.. is thAT bad????

he continues to remind my children that Im taking all his money and that he will now be broke...

I find myselfg defending my position to them now too... its hard because all I find myself saying is.."dad is going to be okay, he's a little upset with mom right now, but he will be okay...."

[Don]

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Insane:
<strong>Anyone know how to put in a ceramic floor?</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You can follow 207's advice here if you like. Just be sure that you have a good set of knee pads, and then have some Ben Gay on hand. You will likely make a few mistakes and have to do a few over, but when it's done, you will know two things: 1) YOU DID THIS, and it's something you will always be proud of, and 2) There isn't enough money in the world to get you to do it again.

OR, you can do what I did the last time and hire some yo-yo to do it. Then bitch for years because you aren't happy with the job they did. :rolleyes: :mad:

[InSane1]

well the most recent update:

he's almost done moving his stuff out. It's been nice, because I have been reorganizing everything in the house. I need to take a couple more days off real soon to complete it. I have a lot to give to charity. At this point, I cant even fathom having a garage sale. All I think is.. Who's gonna want this junk? its mostly books and stuff.

Oh... and yesturday I caught him trying to sneak out something that is MINE MINE MINE...... My collector edition Metallica album(s). Man, I wonder how much I can get for it on EBAY. JK.

Otherwise he's been real good about taking only his things and everything else we agreed on. Hopefully by monday night it will all be out. I sorta feel funny asking for my keys to the house but I will do that once the last sock has left. or Monday night, whichever comes first.

I cant beleive how much I am enjoying the independance so far.... I'm afraid it just hasnt sunk in. Wonder if it gets better or worse. I cant imagine it getting anything but better. Now, Sept. 30th cant come soon enough!

My only fear now is that the judge will deny the divorce. I think I'll just go ape***** if that happens!!! Then again, why would he?

[InSane1]

Today, I had a wonderful experience! My H came over to my house after work and decided he wanted to yell and scream. Fortunately I was the only one in the house at the time and I was actually in another room than him, but once he started screaming at me, I just made eye contact with him and said, "GET OUT OF MY HOUSE IF YOU ARE GOING TO YELL! LEAVE!" And the craziest thing happened... HE LEFT! LOL.... I LOVE THIS.. then he called me five minutes later and started talking to me and then he started to YELL.. so I hung up on him.. LOL

[Blonde Heat]

I am worried about this divorce thing. My mother in law whom i love very much makes me uncomfortable because she treats me like i never left. She calls me more now that i am not with her son then she ever did when i lived with him. I remember always telling my husband "Why does everyone who calls always say is ---- there?" Never how are you or whats up? I used to get so frustrated cause i thought no one cared about me.

My husband had her leave flowers on my truck. The note said " I forgive you, Will you forgive me my mistake. I love you and i want you back"

WTF!? Mistake! My leaving his sorry ***** was not a mistake. And i certainly don't call knocking the **** out of me a mistake. So i jerked theflowers off my truck and headed straight for a trash can. And finally i can have my kids for the weekend but instead of me picking them up from the bus stop alone like i used to, My MIL wants to be there in case i forget them. :mad: I wted to tell her that after not seeing them for 2 weeks i don't think i would have any problem finding my way to the bus stop without a chaperone. :mad: The lawyer helps me file my paperwork tommorow. :)

[SGT Dave]

Proud of you... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="wink.gif" />

[klar]

Blonde Heat, I would not let the MIL come with you they are your children and you know where they are going to be and what they look like you do not need a person watching over you especially a MIL. I hope everything keeps going ok with you. Like you said it was not a mistake for leaving him. Good Luck on everything.

Klar

[InSane1]

Heat-

The part about his note that ****es me off more than anything is the whole "I forgive you" Ahhhh WTF. FORGIVE YOU?.... Ahh gee thanks A-hole. WTF do you need to be forgiven for? Opening your eyes? Screw that! He thinks he has you all figured out and he's trying STILL not to take responsibility for his actions. Why should you be sorry for wanting to go to school? YOU SHOULDN'T!

What the hell does "I forgive you" mean?... grrrrrrr...... Im so mad I just want to jump a plane come down there and and ring his sanctimonious little neck.

He's going to do a bunch of things to make you think about forgiving him. and yanno what... Go ahead and forgive him, but dont forget to tell him ... "I'LL NEVER FORGET". Forgiving is easy, forgetting is not. BASTARD. I hate him for you!

Thing is.. he actually thinks he was justified, in his own little mind. He probably sits and rationalizes all of his actions. And I bet if he tells his story to anyone else, they will realize he sounds pathetic.

I hope the divorce is quick for you. it sounds like it is definately going to be UGLY though. Keep your chin up and vent in the Big D when you just have to tell someone.

The cool part about it is that you can take it all back by editing.. lol....

Peace darlin~!

[Blonde Heat]

Well, I spoke to him for the first time in 2 weeks and it just sucked. He yelled, cried, threatened and told me i deserved that beating and that i better look up at the sky and thank God everyday my son was in the car. Because its the only reason i am alive. :mad: I finally got to visit with my kids friday and sat. But the 11 year old hates me i think because he refused to stay the weekend with me. I feel like a failure as a mom. :( My husband brainwashed him into thinking i walked out on him and the family. Its not true and i told my children i left thier dad not them. MY 2 oldest children had a great time with me. I made sure not to do anything that would give them the impression that i was tryin to buy thier love. I also explained that i cannot take them to do anything that costed alot of money. Because i was paying the mortgage and my apartment payment which equals 1600 a month and money was tight. They were so cool and suggested we sit on the floor and play board games and paint sun catchers. These are teenagers and i was very impressed with the way they acted. It made me feel so good to know they understood the whole situation and did not blame me for leaving. And to think i was the same person complaining about ungrateful children awhile back. I took them to thier grandmothers and cried all the qway back to my apartment because i truly felt alone and it sucked. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="frown.gif" />

[klar]

Blonde, It is hard to be away from your kids and every day your away from them hurts. BUt Look at it from a view point of happiness. If your happier being out of that situation then your kids will notice that and will know that you deserve to be happy. I hope the 11 year old comes around and he probally will just give him some time. I think that what your X said to you just proves that you did the right thing. I would seek to have a intermediatary so that you do not have to face him at all while you pick up your kids. Him threatening you with your life is not right at all. Also it may be mean but stop paying the mortgage for him make him have to pay it. Your not living there so you should not be responsible for it. Maybe that will wake him up some.

KLar

[InSane1]

Heat-
I read your post earlier, but was still piping mad at your H. From teh sounds of it, your older ones realize what happened and realize why you have left. Their hearts are yours. They know you love them. The younger one is still unsure I suppose, but rest assure that in time, his eyes will open as well. If his older siblings havent told him whats really going on yet, be sure that they will soon. (And that's not such a bad thing either) There will come a moment in time when they are all in the mood for talking about what happened. Once he is older, he WILL ask you what happened. And by then, he will understand better. Your relationship isnt lost with him. He saw what happened. They teach kids in school now days that abuse is wrong. He will realize it, when you least expect it.

Who knows what your husband is feeding into his head. But keep your faith because its what is going to hold you together.

And I understand why you are paying the mortgage. He's got the kids and you feel responsible for them. or it might even be that you dont want him comming back saying you totally abandonned him with a house and kids to support. I would recommend that you find out what the child support schedule is in your county.

I did find a calculator for you I'm not sure how well it works but check it out. Maybe you can save yourself a little money. All I can do is pray for you. Good luck.

<a href="http://www.supreme.state.az.us/childsup/pdf/arizsup2.pdf" target="_blank">AZ CALCULATOR</a>
<a href="http://www.supreme.state.az.us/childsup/" target="_blank">AZ CS home page</a>

<small>[ 09-23-2002, 02:59 AM: Message edited by: InSane1 ]</small>

[InSane1]

My worst nightmare came true. Today at court, the judge denied my divorce and said "what makes you think I'm going to allow you to only get $650.00 in child support per month? Then told my husband he had to pay me $940.00. So now the papers need to be redone. That and some paper for the house saying that the kids get it and not my husband (if I die). I was so depressed most of today.... Well I got the papers to say what the judge wanted... but when I went rescedule the court hearing... they told me NOVEMBER 5th!!!!! :(

GR WTF... I called and practically harrased the court clerk. I was like.. YOU DONT UNDERSTAND...I WAITED FOR EIGHT WEEKS FOR THIS COURT DATE!!!!!!! I cant wait five more.

So needless to say.. I think my husband was releived we are still married.. but Im just devistated. This is a nightmare come to life. I was actually ill at the thought and practically called in sick to work tonight.. but its my last night on for a couple days..

On a lighter note.. I'm almost done with my basement floor.. heh... :(

Man, *sigh* What if I go there on 11/05/02 and the judge thinks of something else that needs to change... what if I have to reschedule again? this is just going to drive me insane. Apparently they only have family court once week a month... and this week he happens to have a civil case booked for the rest of the week. (otherwise I may have been able to still get in this week.) I practically begged the clerk guy to ask the judge if he could squeeze me in. I'm at their mercy. This just SUCKS!!! SUCK SUCK SUCK SUCKSSSSSSSSSS! BLAH---ICK --- ACK -----UCK.... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="frown.gif" />

[jellybean40]

I'm sorry that happened... i guess i didnt realize the judge could deny the divorce. did lawyers look over your papers first?

anyhow, in Jersey you have to wait 18 months from the time of separation, so i know how youre feeling in wanting it over with. it felt like 4 years when i had to do the waiting! good luck.

[InSane1]

I had paralegals do the paperwork, They advised me not to ask for less because this might happen, but I did anyway because my H was not happy about the whole 30% thing ($900.00) So I tried to justify only getting that much, but the judge wouldnt let it fly. He pretty much said NOPE.

And the house thing... we decided that if either of us died that the other would get the house, because we both built and renovated it equally. but the judge said... NOPE, "I'm not going to allow you to do that. You have to leave it to the children." So the judge apparently has the right to say who I leave my effin house to. Grrrrr... I guess I understand, but the thing is.. if I died, I want my H to have the children and vise versa. What difference will it make?

I cant understand why I have to reschedule this for five weeks.. I asked if there was another judge who could see the case sooner. this is goign to make me nuts!

[InSane1]

GOOD NEWS.. I think... The judge has given me a new court date, OCT 9th... but Im having a problem find a "FLOATING LIEN" form to have legal services draw up. Does ANYONE know WTF a "Floating Lien" is? The judge said we had to have a floating lien and I think its just your standard Quit claim deed, but I cant be certain. One law office said that its just the "language in the decree" of a quit claim deed that makes it a floating lien, but I cant be certain. I have a feeling this judge wants me to go out and get a lawyer so I can take my H for alkl he's worth. THIS SUCKS!... If anyone knows what Im talking about.. LET ME know. POR FAVOR...

[InSane1]

I've been busy! My divorce was final on 10/09/02!!!!!!!!! YES!!!!!

And I bought a '01 Grand Prix GT on Tuesday.

LIFE IS GOOD!

[Piper]

Congrats hon, I know you were wanting this for a while, take care of yourself ya hear?

:)

[InSane1]

I have been. I have been taking excellent care of myself. I was so glad when I left court. if you all only knew what this past week was like. but the past two days made up for the crap I was enduring.

yesturday afternoon I finished my floor in the basement (I put grout on it) it looks "***** HOT!!!" just awesome!

I'm going to do more clean up on it tonight. I am awaiting the carpet bids. MAN I cant wait!

I'll have to make a HOME IMPROVEMENTS thread. Soon.. soon... Peace out. And thank you everyone for everything in the Big D. It helped me a lot. I like the stress releivment of it.
I know I dont know any of you IRL, but if I did, I'd have to admit, you are a great bunch and have helped me a lot! THANK YOU ALL!

[Blonde Heat]

This divorce thing sucks so bad. He will not sign and he is dragging it out to the bitter end. Its always something. He won't eat, sleep, and constantly begs me to come back. My kids hate me and only 2 out of the three want to live with me. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="frown.gif" />

[InSane1]

:( How long can he drag it out? Did you get a lawyer?

[Blonde Heat]

Yes, i got one and he keeps disagreeing to the stipulations agreed on. So of course it just drags on and on. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="frown.gif" />

[Evnings]

Mine has been dragging on since July 24th. Her lawyer is such a dumby that he isn't making reasonable offers about swapping her half of my retirement while we were married for my share of the equity in the house. She wants my retirement and all the equity in the house. That ain't happening I've worked too long and too hard to give up my retirement. I'll give up the house, but not my retirement

One of them doesn't seem to understand that we will both still own the house and that my giving up the equity in the house is actually a better deal for her because the house will continue to increase in value while " her " money in my retirement will remain constant and she won't be able to touch it for years.

<small>[ 10-19-2002, 07:34 PM: Message edited by: Evnings ]</small>

[Blonde Heat]

Well, i know exactly how you feel. My (not soon enough ex) stole my truck tonight. And since i did not have my truck he beat me to the place where my kids stay when there is no school and got them too. What a jerk. :mad:

[InSane1]

Heat.... I'm SO ready to kick your NOT SOON ENOUGH TO BE EX's ***. I have nothing but total disgust for the man. I sure hope both you and evnings get through this quickly. I think I was so lucky to not have such an evil battle. Again.... I sure hope things get better, not worse.

~hugs ya both~

[Blonde Heat]

Thanks Insane, I am just so ****ed. Unfortunatly i can't do anything. The divorce is not final. the kids belong to us both, and the truck has him on the title. So according to the law neither are stolen. Nevermind that i pay for the truck. :( :mad: I feel like i let my kids down. Because the 14 year old that seen me get the butt whoopin begged to live with me and did not want to go back to his dad. And there is nothing i can do till court.

[Piper]

Evenings and Heat, you guys will be in my thoughts...I hope things will be over quickly and in your favor soon. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="frown.gif" />

[Don]

I'll echo Piper's post here.

[Sotex]

And add another echo.
Hopes and prayers for a quick resolution for both of you.

[InSane1]

*disregard* I've moved on. :)

<small>[ 11-08-2002, 06:59 AM: Message edited by: InSane1 ]</small>

[SGT Dave]

Updates anybody??????

Just needing to know who to flirt with at the O.com Convention :)

Just kidding...

But seriously, if anybody has any updates post them!

[InSane1]

Maybe we should start a "POST BIG D" topic. I swear, things are just weird. IM SO MOVING. MOVING.. MOVING!!!!!!!!!!

[Piper]

Moving... that's a good word... move ahead and move along and don't let the past hurt ya.

I've learned that myself.

(I hope that's what you are referring to or I'm gonna feel like a dumbass...) :o

[Evnings]

Still working on reaching a settlement. She still wants the whole equity in the house and a chunk of my retirement. I think her shyster is just plain stupid

[InSane1]

ARE YOU SERIOUS? she wants whole equity? That is pretty stingy. You should just have it appraised and get a hold of the current balance due. FIDY FIDY. Thats what I did with mine. Now that I'm finishing the basement. I hope I can get about 20K more.

Half of your retirement? Here in MN, they give half if you've been married over 10 years. I was only married 9 1/2, but I didnt want it. Just another thing he would bitch at me about. **nag** "you're taking me for evertything I got"

I suppose if she never worked while you were married, THEN I can see her wanting... even needing it. Especially if she bore your kids.

I'm so glad my ex and I agreed on so many things. It made it so much easier.

I wonder how Heat is. good luck you guys.

[jellybean40]

I was wondering how she was too, Insane. i am glad you got your house thing worked out, wasnt he trying to keep some kind of lien on it or something? i'm glad it's working out. that's what my ex- and i did. i got the money and he stayed in the house, and still lives there.

My sisters were married a long time, and got portions of the retirement and i think they'll even get some of their ex's social security eventually. they were each married close to 20 years tho, i was not married for 10.

Good luck to you also, Evnings. i dont know why the lawyer is trying for so much. here in Jersey the law is pretty cut and dried as far as i know. i know all of it sucks, tho.

[Evnings]

Talked with the little woman last night. She's deceided that holding on to the equity that is in the house and that will build up in the house is better than the finite amount plus interest she would get out of my retirement after I retire ( thankfully Texas State Law governs my retirement and the money cannot be pulled out until I start drawing benefits ).

All the other side issues we were already pretty much in agreement on.

So hopefully my divorce may be final before Thanksgiving. The attornies just have to get a decree worked up and a hearing set.

[Snoopy1]

I'm glad to hear things are working out for everybody.

Mine was easy, or at least it seems that way now. It was rough at the time. We didn't have anything to fight over except child custody. My ex never said he wanted them and only visited them off and on for a few months. Then he took off for parts unknown. I felt so lucky to have him gone that I never tried to find him to collect child support. He was too fond of liquor and a few other things married men shouldn't be fond of. :D

[InSane1]

Well, the ex smashed into a tree at 50 mph on his 4 wheeler the other night. I'm the first one he called. I was at least an hour away and I was like.&gt; DUDE CALL 911. :mad: Fortunately his roommate was home and dropped his drunk azz off at the ER. (AND LEFT HIM THERE) By the time I got there My mom was already there filling out forms for him. He was completely incoherant.

He's alive, no broken bones, but plenty of puncture wounds and skin seperations. He looks like he got into a fight with a tree... and lost.

Doc's said if he hadnt had a helmet on he'd be dead or brain damaged. I sat in the room with him for a while after they finished with three CAT scans and a series of ex-rays. he just looked at me and I was like. "Stop trying to self destruct". He just cried like a baby.

At first I thought it was a ploy to get me home, but it wasn't. I'm really disappointed, but maybe he will see himself the way I did.

scarey part, I think he's more like his father than he even knows. :(

I must be nuts to care. :confused:

[Mitzi]

I can only approach it from a 32 year marriage.. We have virtualy no married friends. Almost all of our friends are divorced.
People have asked me so many times what I attribute our long marriage to. I never have a pat answer. I don't really know. It has not been an easy marriage and there were a few times I was ready to call it quits. I'm sure there were times he wanted to also. We are both headstrong people and the greatest stress on our mariage was when our son got sick. It was going to be my husbands way of handling it or the highway. But he also knew it might not be ME on that highway.
It's still not easy. But I guess we are both just committed to our marriage. I love the big lug, that's for sure.
He never tells me he loves me but he shows me. I heard him tell his new boss the other day that he was NOT traveling 2 weeks out of every month because he could not and would not leave me that long. I almost fell out of my chair. He told him I was having a hard time with our son being ill and getting ready for new brain surgey. He said, "NO, I'm not leaving her that long" And his boss caved!
And later, he said,"Do you realize I would see you vitually HALF the year? That's not going to happen." That's how I know he loves me even though he never says it.

<small>[ 12-02-2002, 01:16 AM: Message edited by: Mitzi ]</small>

[Evnings]

My decree is in its final draft and I signed off on it.

I got to keep my retirement, what a relief. I'm paying a little more in child support then I wanted to, but she's locked into this amount unless she takes me back to court. Within 12 to 18 monthes, I'll be better off support wise.

The judge should bang the gavel on it next week.

There is light at the end of the tunnel. Everyone said there would be. There actually is.

What is really neat, is she can tell me her tail of whoa's about stuff breaking ( like the car ) and I can just nod my head, say I feel for her, and move on without giving her a dime and not feel guilty. She wanted independance from me, well she's got it now. :D

Likewise, I have discovered that there are other females besides her in the world. :p

[InSane1]

Evnings, I'm glad you see the light. Still, there will be some hard days when you first meet their "friend". and YES, other women (in my case men) are out there. I thought all the good ones were taken, but there are still a few to choose from. I have been VERY lucky. I think I may very well have met my adonis. (how that spelt?)

Somedays I just cant believe how lucky I am to have found someone so perfect. I'm looking for the flaw... but I CANT FIND IT,.... besides the fact that he's a lil younger... heh...

You're gonna find yourself an aphrodite!

[Snoopy1]

Evenings, it's over and you did survive. WE TOLD YOU SO. :D

I have been told I have a warped sense of humor.

<small>[ 12-06-2002, 10:57 PM: Message edited by: Snoopy1 ]</small>