Need Parental Advise

[sandie]

My 9 year old son was diagnosed with ADHD and is on the medication concerta. I am not totally sold on this whole concept of ADD and medication to make your child behave, I think its more like the society pushing kids beyond what a childs mind can handle. Anyway, he has been giving me a hard time all year long this year, worse then ever when it comes to school, and basically everything. Its like he wants to be in trouble all the time. I compliment him on good behavior and I tell him how happy I am with that and BAM he starts fights with his brothers, and other things. He gets up when everyone is sleeping and plays, or eats. He lyes constantly, I cannot believe one word he says anymore. He has ALWAYS been difficult. NO FORM of discipline works, Ive tried them all. Ive read books, watched conferences, talked with teachers. I am at a loss anymore. What scares me is he is this bad at age 9, what will he be like when he's a teenager?? Now, he tells me he hates his life and wants to die. He is depressed for whatever reason, and he just keeps pushing and pushing. He knows right from wrong, ive asked him. He just choses to behave badly. He does see a child psych due to his meds, but he tells me that Mikey is good at the office. He behaves when he is with other people, its me. He has always tested me, to see my reaction, to see what I would do. Its a power/control issue. His one teacher, after observing him for awhile, told me he does what he does to see what my reaction is. He is playing games with me. He ONLY does it with me. What do I do??
There are days I want to give up, and just let him run amuke, then other days I refuse to give up. But I am tired, real tired. I always hear, its the parents as to why a kid does what he does. And that statement bothers me because I try everything. My other two respond to me, listen to me, respect me and they dont play games with me. I dont do anything different with one then the other. I am just convinces my son hates me, always did since he was a baby. Ya may giggle at that, but its how I feel anymore.
Help!?!?

[sandie]

let me also mention he is hyper intelligent but choses to not show it unless he thinks noone is paying attention, especially me.
He had an IQ test at age 4 and scored very high. He is a natural artist but would rather scribble *sigh* He is also the "middle child" if that says anything.

[Pnutt]

Sandy,

I raised four sons, #3 son was hyperactive. Like you, I didn't believe in medicating a child for those reasons but what I did believe in was innovative punishment for bad behavior. For instance, when he was three years old he learned to climb up onto the roof by watching his older brothers, problem was, he couldn't get down. Every time I turned around he was up there and nothing I did or said could break him of it. One day I got so exasperated I threw his blanket up with something to eat and told him he was going to stay up there forever, then went back into the house. Guess what? He never got on the roof again. When he would tell me he didn't like me, my answer was always the same, "You don't have to like me, that is not in my contract, but you do have to mind me." My objective was not to have them like me, but rather, what kind of men they would grow into. If they ended up liking me, that would be a bonus. This same kid decided he was going to run away when he was eight, but he was going to go in style with a piece of my luggage. I told him, "No way", gave him a grocery bag, made him a sandwich and wished him luck. Plan A failed and he knew darn well plan B would also fail.. :D He soon discovered that an action would always generate a reaction, and not the one he expected.. After all, I was the boss, not him, and my word was law. There were times I would scream inwardly, "God, why me!" Btw, now that he is grown, we are very close.

My #2 son's teenage daughter was giving her mother a bad time. Her dad is a Psychiatrist and mom is a school teacher, even they have problems. The first time she got a warning, what she cherished most, her privacy, would be taken away, 2nd time, the lock was taken off her bedroom door, 3rd time, the door was removed. It worked!

If your son is always fighting why not get him some boxing gloves and a few lessons in the manly art? Actually, if he were my son, I'd go to the library, get a book and teach him myself. The other son would also get boxing gloves and lessons so he could defend himself. Stay cool mom, and be innovative. :) :cool:

[ 04-13-2002: Message edited by: Pnutt ]

[InSane1]

Sandie,

wow thats a tough one. All I can do is throw out suggestions. I was having trouble with my daughter at one point. yanno, she was doing poor in school, not listening, mouthing off and lying.. OH THE LYING!..grrrr. Finally, I read something that said to create "unexpected" time with them. Its at this point that they start talking to you and telling you whats on their mind.

So I decided to go pick her up at school one day for a "mommy's day out" She didn't know I was picking her up. When came to her class and said "Hey cryssy, lets go... she was like.. 'where we going?'.. and I said.. anywhere you wanna go today," she was excited and we got in the car and she just started talking to me about everything that was on her mind. we had a good time going out to eat and shopping. we went to go see a movie too. Ever since that day she has been getting better and respects me more. I think its because I actually took the time out for just "us".

One other thing I do is say "I love being your mom" I say that a lot when I am alone with one of my kids. I read somewhere that it makes them feel good.

so, those are a few things that worked for me... hope you can use them too. Good Luck!

[ 04-13-2002: Message edited by: InSane1 ]

[Don]

No one ever said that raising kids was easy sandie. It's the one thing that no textbook can cover.

I really don't know what to say here to help you, as I don't know you or the child. But one thing I see in your first post, is that the child is seeing a "shrink." I would think that it might be worth your while to have a few sessions with this same analyst. I realize this is a "child psychologist" but taken in context with helping your son, he should be willing to do some counseling for you as well. Perhaps you and your son could schedule a few visits together.

One thing I can tell you is that there is NO magic pill for this situation. It is one that you are going to have to work through, one step at a time.

I wish you the best with this situation.

[Joseph]

Insane1 you answered my question feel better. Sandie it looks like Pnutt has the handle on this thing.I'm not sure how I feel about the medication thing my oldest son was on Retalin for a while. You have a tough road ahead of you. I would take notice however about him talking about suicide. Good Luck with your battle. Don't let him get the best of you because if he realizes it then you in real trouble. Hope everything works out. How long ago did all this start?

[Blonde Heat]

Get a seciond opinion and a third. I ran into this problem with my son and was very disappointed to see a teacher who not handle him as a energized child crowded him into the category of ADD. What a joke! I think they are just little boys who need an energy outlet and these doctors are just too willing to drug them just to make them behave.

[sandie]

This all started years ago, but it progessivly got worse as he got older. his 2nd grade teacher did an intervention meeting with me, his dad and school psych and the principle all telling me to get him on meds. And I agree with the boys needing an outlet, but also like I said before, I feel its society expecting so much out of the kids these days. They are doing things now in 4th and 5th grade we did in 6th and 7th. Not all kids can handle this stuff that early, the maturity just isnt there. Then when they cannot keep up, their self esteem gets knocked down then you are stuck with a kid who gave up on themselves. Then ya get the teachers saying "ritalin - ADD" I really dont like him on concerta (the 12 hour ritain), in fact I just decided to not give it to him on weekends just as I did when he was taking ritalin. He needs the "sedation" to keep up with his school work, but on weekends I want him to be a typical kid. He is really into art, so klar and I bought him a scetch pad to draw anything he wants in it. We told him when he feels sad, or mad, or happy and he doesnt know how to express it - just draw it. So far that seems to calm him a bit. I also spoke with my minister and we are going to seek some christian counceling see if this helps. They dont work with meds, only with talk and support and GOD. Thank you all for your input on this issue, its GREATLY appreciated.

[Bill R]

Sandie, I personally think that the majority of kids diagnosed as ADD aren't. I'm really not even sure if there is such a thing. In the cases that I am personally aware of, they are all BOYS. Young boys are a handfull, some are two or three handsfull. IMHO the medication thing is mostly used as an easy way out for the adults. I don't envy the challenge that you have. I would look for some help from someone that doesn't just want to peddle pills. I think your thoughts and feelings are correct. He is your son, you know. Best of luck and God Bless.