How spouses cope with a LE career?

[Mackey]

I am now entering in the world of LE and I think the reality has set in for my wife. She is extremely supportive, but is nervous about what to expect from our change in lifestyle and the dangers of the job. Anyone have advice, tips? :confused:

[ 02-11-2002: Message edited by: GPD ]

[SGT Dave]

GPD:

First, (and don't take this personally) I would suggest double-checking your spelling since you will be writing lots of reports.

Go back and reread the original post-ONE LETTER ("T" in the third word) changed the entire meaning of what I believe your intended message was. :D

Anyway, to answer your question, support groups of other spouses work great, but we don’t have any around here. You guys might have one-I don’t know. I’m sure you can ask some of the officers. I’m assuming you’re male, so this is written accordingly, but if I’m wrong, I apologize, and just make the necessary adjustments.

The main thing that the relationship will have to have is trust. A close second is patience. The spouse HAS to be committed to the job, no “ifs”, “ands”, or “buts.” It WILL be a huge sacrifice for them. I would humbly offer that if you have true love, it should work.

TRUST-
“Trust” doesn’t even BEGIN to cover what will be required from your spouse in this job. Your spouse will have it more difficult than ANY one else they know.

*You will often have to work over without being able to call (although the age of cell phones is making this less and less a point) them and let them know. They will just have to understand and they must be able to TRUST that you are working on a case and not working on a waitress down at TGI Fridays!

*Often, the dispatcher will call you and give you a “name and number” for a “speak with officer” call. Often, you will have no choice but to jot it down on your hand or on a scrap sheet of paper. If you forget to throw it away, then you spouse finds a note in your uniform pants “Christina-555-1234.” Most other relationships, that would be grounds for a breakup, or at least a good heated domestic! In this one, she’ll have to TRUST that it’s work related, and go on. It happens so often to me, we don’t even talk about it.

*You will meet more people than you’ve ever known in your life. You will not be able to go anywhere (by 2 years into the job) and not run into people you know from the job. Of course, many will be women, and they will say “Oh, hi! How are you?” Of course the wife will say, “Who is that?” and you have to explain. Sometimes, I can’t even remember, and that looks about as bad.

*The uniform will make women more attracted to you. YOU will have to understand that it’s the uniform, and not “get the big head” and think you are now “Mr. Stud.” When you and the wife are fighting, it’s SO easy to go to work and flirt back with them. You must control it, and not let “it” control you, so you KEEP the TRUST you have earned.

If you haven’t heard this already, you will. There is a saying that states there are three things that account for 99% of all officers fired-liquor, money, and p…uh, WOMEN. After about 14 years, I’d say the number is pretty true.

PATIENCE-

You will ask your spouse to endure inconveniences and hardships not put on many other spouses.

*Working dayshift, and planning an anniversary dinner that evening at your favorite restaurant. She’s dressed in that nice black dress with the sexy little shoes (you know the ones I’m talking about… ;) ) and all you need to do is get off at 6 PM, shower, and change. I PROMISE you, you will get a 3-car MVA Fatal with Haz Mat at 5:30. BET ON IT. Or, one car is in the shop, and you’re on nightshift, and she’s needing you to take her to work, you’ll get a domestic at 5:30 AM, and have to fight the guy, and take him to the hospital, blahblahblah, and she has to call a friend at 7AM to come get her. The point is you can never guarantee plans. They will have to sign off on this horrible lifestyle to support you.

*Here’s one you don’t hear much-it’s happened to me twice and I’ve talked to other officers it’s happened to. You come in on Sunday morning after working a crazy summertime nightshift. You’re loaded with adrenalin, and try to sleep. The house/apartment is about 75 degrees. You start having nightmares (dang-I should have never ate those two tacos at 2:00 AM from Taco Bell drive through!) Suddenly, you wake up because your wife is screaming. You realize you are lying on top of her with her arms behind her back for handcuffing! The times it happened to me was very early in my career, when my mind hadn’t totally adjusted to LE, and I was having trouble sleeping for lack of air conditioning, AND always after bad fights with bad guys. But it does happen occasionally.

My wife is GREAT about the job, but others aren’t so lucky. My first wife mentioned it OFTEN, and for her, it was an issue in the breakup.

There is a book called “I Love A Cop” by Ellen Kirschman. It doesn’t cover it all, but it’s pretty dang good if your spouse is willing to read it and put it into practice. I have it, and if you’ll send me an address by PM or by the email, I’ll send it to you as a gift (to make up for the jab I took at you on spelling!) Just read it, have your spouse read it and put it into practice.

TRUST and PATIENCE!

The danger isn't usually as big an issue as you'd think. I PROMISE myself and my spouse I will take only "calculated" risks, and never be stupid. If the worst DOES happen, God forbid, I've told her to understand this is not a job, but indeed a CALLING, and that I will have died doing something I was called to do, and that I LOVE, and to find peace in that as best she can. Past that, don't you (OR HER) dwell on it.

God bless our spouses. They TRULY are “unsung heroes.”

dk@copmail.com

[ 02-11-2002: Message edited by: SGT Dave ]

[tcsd1236]

My wife hangs out with the following crowd; she might find answers to her concerns there: http://boards2.ivillage.com/messages/get/rlcopwives63.html

[Mitzi]

Wow! I never even considered some of the stuff you said, Dave. It truly must be one of the hardest jobs in the world on spouses. And, what is it about uniforms?
My husband loves to umpire and the umpiring outfits are very spiffy. He is a very tall, good looking man. He says that, when people see him out of uniform, he is hardly ever approached except by those he knows. He said, "But, put on that uniform and I have ladies bringing me supper before a game or wanting to go to supper after a game." I now attend most of his games! lol
I trust him. But, one time, he introduced me to a lady that came flying up to meet him. She gave me the dirtiest look, said hello and walked off. I looked at my husband and he said, "What? Huh?" LOL!

[Don]

Uh-huh it IS the uniform. Wave to a bunch of junior high or high school girls when you are in uniform. They wave back (some even use ALL of their fingers!) and think there goes Officer Friendly.

Wave to that same bunch out of uniform and they think "look at that Dirty Old Man, what is he THINKING of???" :eek:

Another thing that helps, is for your spouse to believe in your ability to do the job, and to take care of yourself. I've known many an officer whose spouse was a continual basket case because they had no faith in that officer's ability to come home at the end of watch.

[SGT Dave]

So true Don.

I've often heard my wife tell other LE spouses and significant others “No, I don’t worry about him-I know he’s careful, and takes his survival seriously, so I don’t let it bother me.”

[Mitzi]

I would probably be one of those continual basket cases because I was a born basket case! lol It is hard for me that I have 2 nephews and a neice, all police officers. I keep telling them I want them to quit and open a pizza parlor or open an ice skating rink of something.
They just smile at their crazy old aunt. They all love their jobs and are good police officers. It's hard not to worry, though. I remember these police officers as blonde haired babies with big brown eyes!
My neice is the most gung ho about her job though. She has wanted to be a police officer since I can remember and started in the Explorer program. She just LOVES her job. She is always making me laugh. They all do. I was chasing them all around my father's acreage on Christmas Day telling them I could still kick their butts! lol (Yea, right)

[Blonde Heat]

My spouse asked me a couple days ago to just give up. He is the one person who will not give in to me being a cop. Do any of you think this will create major conflict in my marriage. I have given up everything in my life to satisfy and maintain stability and peace in my house since i was sixteen. I do believe its my turn. But want to create the least problems for my marriage. I am at a loss. I no longer speak about how excited i am that i am so close or any kind of goals for the future as an officer because he refuses to budge. So far i am just doing it and going with the flow. I make sure nothing conflicts with his schedule so the less he sees me trying the more peaceful my house is. I want this so bad and have come so far. I hate that i might have to choose him or a career. He even suggested i pick something else. I feel this is a control issue and need advice too. Will this also affect my interviewing process because i heard they ask how supportive your family is. The kids accept it but the spouse will not. :( :confused:

[Mackey]

My initial feelings were that if my wife wasn't 100% supportive during the application process, it would only get harder after I took the job.

I would try to understand where his concerns lie, resolve them if possible and stress your drive/desire to be a cop. Hopefully if he sees how much it means to you he will come around.

Good luck!!

[jellybean40]

Originally posted by SGT Dave:
<STRONG>
The main thing that the relationship will have to have is trust. A close second is patience. The spouse HAS to be committed to the job, no ?ifs?, ?ands?, or ?buts.? It WILL be a huge sacrifice for them. I would humbly offer that if you have true love, it should work.
</STRONG>

I was an LEO spouse for 10 years, and you make some great points, Dave. i would also add that you (not you personally) need to remember your married life also does not revolve around you and your job only.

And as for the trust, the husband (or LEO) has to have trust for the spouse too. remember, you will be working alot of shifts when your wife will be home alone, also.

The husband (LEO) has to have the patience with his wife also. and understand her concerns, reassure her, and understand what she is feeling, not just expect her to be able to go along with everything even if she has fears.

The husband (LEO) also has to support his wife in her career, and her interests and friends, sometimes having to sacrifice a little sleep while on shift work, to go to a function that's important to his wife.

it all works both ways, and i personally still believe that a career in LEO definitely means it may take more work to keep the marriage happy, but of course in the long run it's worth it.

[ 02-13-2002: Message edited by: jellybean40 ]

[Don]

ftrphxcop, check your PM.

[InSane1]

"My spouse asked me a couple days ago to just give up."

Don't Give it up. I know that when I see something like this there seems like a control issue there. I'm no marriage counsellor, but I remember when my husband literally would NOT come home so on my exam nights just because he was so against it. Fortunately he came around.

If your ol man says things like "and YOU want to be a COP?" after you did something silly, then its time to think about what it is you want more.
Him or a career. I wish I could say so much more and if you want to talk more
mnsunshine1@yahoo.com email me.

[ 02-23-2002: Message edited by: InSane1 ]

[ 02-23-2002: Message edited by: InSane1 ]

[SGT Dave]

Posted by jellybean:

The husband (LEO) also has to support his wife in her career, and her interests and friends, sometimes having to sacrifice a little sleep while on shift work, to go to a function that's important to his wife.

jb: I'll agree with you to a point. You hit on a "pet peeve" of mine, as I feel it must have been for you. I'll try to state my point and still respect your point of view. On something like this that I believe in, I'm PASSIONATE about it, so don't let my "in your face" writing style offend you. I'm just going to give the "other side" some equal time. ( :D Buddies???)

I'm on day shift, but do work the rare nightshift. I also VIVIDLY recall what it's like on permanent nights.

I (as many of you have) discovered that practically NO ONE respects the third shift worker. Sometimes a rare exception is found, and more often than not, it is merely another third shift worker. I felt that if I didn't take charge of assuring that I got sufficient sleep, NO ONE else would.

Examples:

Telephone marketers-I believe in summary execution for these folks. Nuff said.

Bill collectors-they should stand behind the telemarketers. :rolleyes:

(Bear in mind that many officers just lay the phone off the hook, and I've been known to do that. One agency that was too chintzy to issue pagers made a policy that you couldn't even do that in case they needed you. Now before any of you scream lawsuit or tell me that they can't do that, it was much easier to figure out they did NOT have a policy against covering it in another room with a large quilt :D and cutting the ringer off on the one in the bedroom. Also, the points are still valid, as many simply don't do this, or as I did several times, FORGET to do this before hitting the sack. Often, the ring or the message doesn't wake me, but the answering machine itself with all it's clicking and beeping noises!)

Friends and family-although some are very sympathetic, it's usually the more distant ones that you don't interact with as often that decide to call or come by ( "Oh

[jellybean40]

I agree with you SgtDave. an errand or chore is NOT worth losing the sleep over. i only meant an important function, like a family wedding or something like that.

I totally respected my ex-'s need for sleep and believe me when he was on midnites he did nothing all day and i didnt care.

There are also many mothers who are up all nite with babies and sick children who get up and go to work in the morning...i know because i work with them. Granted they're not doing a dangerous job and risking their safety, but then again if they're driving while they're that tired, that is dangerous enough.

All marriages need to strike a happy medium regarding understanding and give and take. It's just harder in an LEO marriage because the LEO knowingly risks his life everyday...he needs to make sure he's not tired, or going to work with marriage problems on his mind. I have seen that affect officers in a bad way also.