Your thoughts plz.

[Spectre]

Okay I just got out of the academy a couple weeks ago. While in the academy we go out in 2 week spurts of field training (riding with and FTO and doing regular shift work)

Now that I am out of the academy I have 3 more month long phases of being with an FTO. So far all my FTOs have been great. Very helpful, friendly, and have showed an interest in me succeeding.

Before I started the academy being a cop was the only thing I could see myself being 20 years down the road. The academy was a good experience and I learned alot. I had a lot of fun first phase and second phase but it was around that time that I started having these weird feelings and thoughts. Nothing bad happened during any of my phases mind you to set this off. But for some reason I have these feelings like I shouldn't be doing this job. I will wake up and get ready for work and I just get this feeling like "why am I doing this, this isn't me" I continue to have this feeling all the way into lineup where thoughts of "why am I here" run through my head. I get done with lineup, hit the streets and everything seems fine for the most part. Those thoughts and feelings don't seem to bother me or even come around when I am out on duty. As soon as shift is over though and I am driving home here they come again. For some reason I seem to get over-emotional when I am driving home even if nothing has happened.

I'm not sure if this is normal or if anyone else has experienced this. Maybe it is just me. I know that I beat myself up if I make the smallest lil mistake...even if it really isn't a mistake just something I didn't do or say I beat myself up about it. But it goes beyond that...I have never felt this way before. I know my career has just started but I don't know if I can or should continue if I have thoughts of "why am I here, I don't belong here, this isn't me I shouldn't be doing this" running through my head.

I used to think that police work would be what I would do till I was old enough to retire but lately I can't help to think that maybe I am not the person for this job.

Anyone have thoughts or comments? I am open to anything.

Signed:
:confused:

[SpecOpsWarrior]

Man, your not even out of FTO phase and your already sounding like a burnout.

Two things come to mind here. The first being that maybe law enforcement isn't for you. There is no shame in deciding that this line of work isn't your calling. If you honestly feel this way, get out now, and find something more to your liking.

The second thing that comes to mind is that maybe your apprehensive about the dangers involved with this type of work. Now I know your thinking I'm full of *****, but here me out. You say you have an uneasy feeling about going to work, and you have the same feeling when you leave work, but while your actually on duty, you dont have this problem. I personally think you might be worried about the inherent dangers of police work, and this is the cause of the feelings you describe. I know you said you dont feel this way while your at work. Do you think that may be because your riding with an experienced officer, and you have a sense of security because of his presence?

I could be wrong, it's just the first thing that came to my mind when I read your post. Also, dont take that as a criticism, it's not meant to be. It's just that some people are naturally more apprehensive then others, when it comes to police work.

I wish you luck and hope everything works out for you.

[ 04-24-2002: Message edited by: SpecOpsWarrior ]

[occiferdave]

hmmm...

A trainee from our department is going through what you are going through....

Unfortunately, during this 'finding himself' phase, he was involved in an OIS. He was chasing a suspect on foot, but ran out of steam after 2 or 3 blocks, another officer came out of his car to give chase, leaving the boot to lag behind.. just then, the suspect turns and fires. Hitting the second officer 4 times... gun battle ensues... to make a long story short, boot never fires... regrets it... now IOD for psych...

If you are having those feeling now. I highly suggest you sit down with a loved one and talk about it, re-evalute why you are doing this, can you bear the thought of getting hurt or killed on the job? what about the death of a coworker? what if you had to shoot someone?...

if you answer no to any one of those questions, this job might not be for you, THERE IS NO SHAME IN THAT, but it's better to get out now than to find out later when you are at a friend's funeral or your own.

Good luck to you.

..

[Spectre]

Thabks both of you for your responses. As I went through the academy we are always told to try to picture ourselves in bad situations. What would we do if we were in a shooting, what about if we were shot, what about if a partner was shot. What would our reactions be. I had thought about that alot and always thought that if the time came to shoot someone because if I didn't they would kill me, my partner or another citizen I could do it. Of course that is all thoughts and I really don't know what would happen till the time came. SpecOps you brought up a good point about maybe feeling better when I am with that experienced officer. I never thought that might have something to do with it. It might, I'm not sure.

Could this be burnout? I am only 23 and have only been on the streets for about 6 weeks total. I can't imagine burnout after that short of time but I guess it could be.

I know you guys said there is no shame in deciding maybe this career isn't for me, but do you think I have given it a fair try? My girlfriend brought up a good point that maybe it is just because I am so new and that if I did decide to not pursue this career that I would regret it later in life. When I got out of high school this is what I wanted to do. It took be two years from the date I took the written test for my department till I started the academy. I went through a lot to get to this point. I think it would be a big let down for my family and friend that supported me as well as a let down for me personally if I quit. But I don't think these thoughts are soemthing that I wnt to be carrying around with me in the field.

Heh, sorry for my rambling but it helps to talk to you guys. Thanks for being there.

[SpecOpsWarrior]

"Heh, sorry for my rambling but it helps to talk to you guys. Thanks for being there."

No problem man, thats what brothers are for. I dont have the time to really post right now, otherwise I would address some of the stuff you said in your last post. If you want to email me I will try and help in whatever way I can. My email address is at the bottom of my post, just click on it, feel free to use it whenever you need to.

[Don]

I have a feeling that SpecOps and I are thinking along the same lines. As I DO have the time, let me see if I can help.

Originally posted by Spectre:
<STRONG>Thabks both of you for your responses. As I went through the academy we are always told to try to picture ourselves in bad situations. What would we do if we were in a shooting, what about if we were shot, what about if a partner was shot. What would our reactions be. I had thought about that alot and always thought that if the time came to shoot someone because if I didn't they would kill me, my partner or another citizen I could do it. Of course that is all thoughts and I really don't know what would happen till the time came. </STRONG>

This is true with all of us, not just cops but all humans. Until we are actually tested, we don

[Chase]

Originally posted by Spectre:
<STRONG>I know you guys said there is no shame in deciding maybe this career isn't for me, but do you think I have given it a fair try? My girlfriend brought up a good point that maybe it is just because I am so new and that if I did decide to not pursue this career that I would regret it later in life. </STRONG>

Personally, I do not think you have given it a fair try. Maybe police work isn’t for you, but I think it's too soon to tell. At least wait until you get out of FTO training and you're on your own. Police work is a lot different (and more enjoyable) when you don't have a FTO sitting next to you and critiquing everything you do.

[Montana]

I've been in a sort of similar situation. Law enforcement is what I have wanted to do for years, and the first department I was hired by I didn't make it through the FTO program. I was hired by my current department 7 months later and am in week 12 of the FTO program. I haven't been to the academy yet and probably won't till at least September.

I have felt many times that maybe this line of work isn't for me. I mostly feel this way when my confidence is low. In all honesty, I have very little training in physical self defense, and, as a female officer, I feel that if I get into a wrestling match with somebody, well, I'm going to have to either shoot them or spray them. Which isn't exactly a confidence builder. But I'm not a quitter, and I know if I quit I'll always wonder if I could have done the job and been good at it or not.

And the more I'm out on the street, the more things I feel like I can handle. Things that scared me to death my first time around don't bother me now, like what I would do if I actually found someone in a building on a building search. So I feel pretty confident now, that this is what I want to do.

I don't know if this will help or not, but that's my persective for what it's worth.

[Bonk]

Realistically, I think you need to give it more time, at least until you get off FTO. I know during most of my FTO time I was more nervous about screwing up in front of my FTO than I was about screwing up in front of a citizen.

I think you've invested too much time and effort to bag it right here and now. Give it some more time, get out on your own, and see how it works. If you can get to the point where you have given it a fair shots by your standards, and it's still not working, then there is no shame or dishonor in going and doing something else.

[Spectre]

I really appreciate all your comments. It has helped me to know that others have experienced the same type of things that I am. Yesterday was a much better day for me, I think talking about this with you and my girl friend helped alot. If anyone else has any thoughts on this please post them.

[Spectre]

Just thought I would update you guys on what is going on.

I talked with my family extensively about this, and I even talked to my FTO and SGT. Of course then the FTO administration contacted me and talked to me about. Well needless to say they had me take 2 days off to kinda reflect on my thoughts and try to decide what I wanted to do. On the second of those two days I went out to dinner with some of my friends from the academy. Boy did that help. I really needed to see them and talk to them and just have their excitement for the job and motivation rub off on me. I think I was feeling a lil lonely and isolated at my command, but seeing my academy mates really made me realize that I do like this job, I only have training for 3 months then I will be out on my own and it will be a lot more fun then.

Since then I have returned to work and am feeling much better. My FTO even commented that since those two days off I am more upbeat, and eager to do things.

I want to thank you guys again for being here and listening to my problems. You really helped also in helping me get it off my chest. Thanks.

[Urban Jedi]

Spectre,

I know I work the other side of the pond, but when i first started on what you call FTO, I had precisely the same feelings. I was unsurew whether this was for me. Every day before shifts, I would be nervous and apprehensive, with butterflies in my stomach, and almost nauseous. I was somewhat withdrawn and quiet (although that was part of my policy for keeping my mouth shut as the new guy) and was not particularly proactive. Soon, however, it just clicked into place. I love street policing, and, without blowing my own trumpet, think I am rather good at it. I still get butterflies, but through a sense of nervous anticipation of what lies ahead that day.

If you enjoyed your training, had no problems at the academy, just give it time. It will all fall into place once you establish yourself (both in your own mind, and at your place of work) as a good copper. Then you'll enjoy it all the more.

Good luck.
:)