Police Jokes

[GeneralMelchid]

i know i probably should of posted this somewhere else, but this is this place that has the most traffic, whatever here are some.

Parking Tickets: I went to the store the other day. I was only in there for about 5 minutes, and when I came out there was a damn motorcycle cop writing a parking ticket. So I went up to him and said, "Come on, buddy, how about giving a guy a break?" He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. So I called him a pencil-necked-nazi. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having bald tires! So I called him a piece of horse sh*t. He finished the second ticket and put it on the car with the first... then started writing a third ticket! This went on for about 20 minutes. The more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote. I didn't give a damn -- my car was parked around the corner.

White Collar Crime: The stockbroker was nervous about being in prison because his cellmate looked like a real thug. "Don't worry," the gruff looking fellow said, "I'm in here for a white collar crime too." "Well, that's a relief." sighed the stockbroker. "I was sent to prison for fraud and insider trading." "Oh nothing fancy like that for me." grinned the convict. "I just killed a couple of priests."

Late for work: For thirty years, Officer Johnson had arrived at the police station at 9 A.M. on the dot ready for duty. He had never missed a day and was never late. Consequently, when on one particular day 9 A.M. passed without Johnson's arrival in the briefing room, it caused a major sensation. All announcements and patrol assignments ceased and the sergeant himself, looking at his watch and muttering, stormed out into the corridor. Finally, precisely at ten, Johnson showed up, his uniform dusty and torn, his nametag missing, his face scratched and bruised, his shield bent. He limped painfully to the time clock, punched in, and said, aware that all eyes were upon him, "I tripped and rolled down two flights of stairs. Nearly f^&*in' killed myself." And the sergeant said, "And to roll down two flights of stairs took you a whole hour?

[6Tango]

-- my car was parked around the corner.



Classic- Keep em comming!:D

[NYCAPO]

Parking Tickets: I went to the store the other day. I was only in there for about 5 minutes, and when I came out there was a damn motorcycle cop writing a parking ticket. So I went up to him and said, "Come on, buddy, how about giving a guy a break?" He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. So I called him a pencil-necked-nazi. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having bald tires! So I called him a piece of horse sh*t. He finished the second ticket and put it on the car with the first... then started writing a third ticket! This went on for about 20 minutes. The more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote. I didn't give a damn -- my car was parked around the corner.

ROTFLMFAO That is one of the funniest cop jokes I have ever heard.:D:D

[jerkyg]

How many cops does it take to throw a suspect down a flight of stair???

None...he fell.


True story, an OG (Old Guy) motorcycle cop told me that many years ago...he was finishing writing a ticket to a motorist. When, some "Adam Henry" drove by and was hanging out the window, flipping him off. He got on his cycle and pulled him over. Gave him a ticket for having an extended object out the side of the vehicle without a red flag per the vehicle code. The guy took him to court...but, the commissioner/judge sustained the violation. Gotta to love it...

[jerkyg]

A canine unit sends his dog after a suspect...hours later, his dog does not return. He searches for his dog to no avail. Eventually, he is tired and goes to the local donut shop to get some coffee...sitting there is his dog looking at him with a glazed donut in his mouth.

[DEcop989]

Two blonds are driving down the road at about 110. Pushing the car to 120, the pair pass a Highway Patrolman running radar.

Passanger Blond: Oh no - we passed a policeman!
Driver Blond: It's ok. Has he pulled out behind us?
PB: Nope. But now he's following us!
DB: He can't want us. Are his lights on?
PB: Yes - no - yes - no - yes - no....

[jchughes05]

Hahahah!!!!

[GeneralMelchid]

Good News, Bad News: "I have good news and bad news," the defense lawyer says to his client." "What's the bad news?" The lawyer says, "Your blood matches the DNA found at the murder scene." "Dammit!" cries the client. "What's the good news?" "Well," the lawyer says, "Your cholesterol is down to 140."

The Good Partner: The patrolman had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet his partner of 20 years stood by his side every single day. One day, when he came to, he motioned for him to come nearer. As he sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. Every time I got brought up on departmental charges, you were there to support and cover me. The three times I got shot during those narcotics busts, you were there. When I got kicked off the force and lost my house, you were there for me. When my wife left me, you were still by my side. You know what? "What?" He gently asked, smiling as his heart began to fill with warmth. "I think you're fu%^in' bad luck!!"

In Too Far: A man and a woman were dating. She being of a religious nature had held back the worldly pleasure that he wanted so bad. In fact, he had never even seen her naked. One day, as they drove down the freeway, she remarked about his slow driving habits. "I can't stand it anymore," she told him. "Let's play a game. For every 5 miles per hour over the speed limit you drive, I'll remove one piece of clothing." He enthusiastically agreed and sped up the car. He reached the 55 MPH mark, so she took off her blouse. At 60 off came the pants. At 65 it was her bra and at 70 her panties. Now seeing her naked for the first time and traveling faster than he ever had before, he became very excited and lost control of the car. He veered off the road over an embankment and wrapped the car around a tree. His girlfriend was thrown clear but he was trapped. She tried to pull him free but alas he was stuck. "Go up to the road and get help," he said. "But I haven't anything to cover myself with!" she replied. The man felt around, but could only reach one of his shoes. "You'll have to put this between your legs to cover it up," he told her. So she did as he said and went up to the road for help. Along came a police car. Seeing a naked, crying woman along the road, the officer pulled over to hear her story. "My boyfriend my boyfriend!" she sobs, "He's stuck and I can't pull him out!" The officer, looking down at the shoe between her legs replies, "Ma'am, if he's in that far, I'm afraid he's a goner!

[jerkyg]

OMG...I just had to let you know that the shoe joke had me in tears. That was way too funny. Can't wait to go to work tomorrow and tell it.

[zeroryde]

How many cops does it take to throw a suspect down a flight of stair???

None...he fell.


True story, an OG (Old Guy) motorcycle cop told me that many years ago...he was finishing writing a ticket to a motorist. When, some "Adam Henry" drove by and was hanging out the window, flipping him off. He got on his cycle and pulled him over. Gave him a ticket for having an extended object out the side of the vehicle without a red flag per the vehicle code. The guy took him to court...but, the commissioner/judge sustained the violation. Gotta to love it...

My training sgt said he would really write those... there's a code for it too, extended body part from a vehicle.

[GeneralMelchid]

Prison Fly: A prisoner at the Edmonton Maximum Security Prison, doing 40 to life, started training a large fly to do tricks. For years and years, day and night, for thousands of hours, he worked with the tiny insect. After 5 years he taught it to walk across a miniature high wire. Another 5 years passed and he taught it to ride a tiny one-wheel bike, balance on a pair of stilts and sing songs from PHANTOM OF THE OPERA. "When you and I get out of here," the jailbird said to the fly. "we're going to tour the night-spots and make a fortune." Finally the day arrived. With the fly safely tucked away in his pocket, (inside its matchbox home), the ex-con made his way to a local bar to celebrate and show off his new talented friend. Once seated at the bar, he brought out his trick fly and placed it on the bar counter. On cue, it started moon walking. "What about this fly, eh?" he pointed out to the bartender. In one swift motion, the bartender reached for his copy of the local newspaper, rolled it up and squished the fly with a mighty swipe. "Glad you saw it," muttered the bartender. "Blasted things are everywhere

Stolen Cop Car: Two cops, Ben and Earl, pull up to a Burger King on a meal break. They go inside and Earl holds a spot while Ben places the order at the counter. Earl looks out the window, notices someone taking off with their police cruiser and runs outside. Ben, hearing all the commotion, runs outside and asks Earl what happened. "Ben! Ben! Someone just drove off with our cruiser!" "Did you try to stop him?" Ben asked, "I did better than that! I got the license plate number!"

Great Excuse: A man in his 40's bought a new BMW and was out on the highway for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair, and he decided to open her up. As the needle jumped up to 80 mph, he suddenly saw flashing red and blue lights behind him. "There's no way they can catch a BMW," he thought to himself and opened her up further. The needle hit 90, 100.... then the reality of the situation hit him. What the hell am I doing?" he thought and pulled over. The cop came up to him, took his license without a word, and examined it and the car. "It's been a long day, this is the end of my shift, and it's Friday the 13th. I don't feel like more paperwork, so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before, you can go." The guy thinks for a second and says, "Last week my wife ran off with a cop. I was afraid you were trying to give her back." "Have a nice weekend," said the officer

[NYCDep]

One day a traffic cop stops a driver for failing to stop at a stop sign.

"Why are you stopping me?" the driver asks.

The officer replies "You failed to stop at the stop sign."

"I slowed down!" the driver whined.

"But you didn't stop" explained the officer.

"what's the difference??" the driver complained.

At that point the frustrated officer drags the driver out of the car, throws him to the ground, begins to hit him with his night stick, and asks "Now do you want me to slow down, or stop?"

[GeneralMelchid]

NycDep hahaha

[NYCAPO]

One day a traffic cop stops a driver for failing to stop at a stop sign.

"Why are you stopping me?" the driver asks.

The officer replies "You failed to stop at the stop sign."

"I slowed down!" the driver whined.

"But you didn't stop" explained the officer.

"what's the difference??" the driver complained.

At that point the frustrated officer drags the driver out of the car, throws him to the ground, begins to hit him with his night stick, and asks "Now do you want me to slow down, or stop?"

ROLMAO:DI love that joke.:D:D:cool: